Tonight, however, I would say my life was as perfect as it's ever been(:
Work
Dinner at home
Walk with Kristen and her Dad
Visit Sierra at work
Mate factor
Wander around Manitou
Adventures on Tejon
Near run in with the cops
Rooftop times
Almost to the top of the Antler's Hilton
Never have I ever, in many different forms
And laughing all the while with some of the bet people I've ever met
It's nights like tonight that keep me going, they remind me that there are things to live for, even when it seems there is no light left at the end of the tunnel. If perfection could be summed up into one thing, tonight would be that night(:
29 March 2012
28 March 2012
"Some days I just want to run away; not to see how far I can get, but to see who will chase me."
I just want to run away. Not to see where I get, or to see who would chase me. I just want to run away for the simple sake of running away. I want to get away from all of the terrible people that are here. It doesn't matter how hard I try to escape it all, it doesn't matter how fast I run, or how far I get, my problems are always faster. They are always right behind me.
I just want to go to sleep one night, and wake up as a different person. I want to crawl into a corner and never come out. I try and try to keep my heart open, because I truly do want to believe that people are worth fighting for, worth trusting, and worth IT in general, but the harder I try, and the more trust I put in people, the more I learn that I'm placing what little trust I have left into the people that least deserve it. &It's a sucky feeling.
I know what I look for in a friend, and when you don't possess those particular attributes, you won't be in my life very long. I have made poor choices in friends my whole life, and I'm sick of it. So now that I'm raising my standards on who I will and won't be friends with, that makes me a bad person?
The idea of never being able to please anyone is finally setting in. &that's exactly why I want to leave. RIGHT NOW. I can't please my mom, I'm not good enough to have friends. When I'm being myself, I'm the bitch who isn't worthy of any friends, but when I try to be friends with everyone, I'm not happy and I just become a worse version of myself. So at the end of the day, why wouldn't I just be who I am? Because that causes even more ridicule. and the fact that I keep hearing the same stupid things over and over and over, day in and day out, it makes you question yourself, who you have in your life, the things you want, and whether or not you're really worth it at the end of the day. And after being told by so many different people that you're not good enough, nor will you ever be, you really start to believe it.
I try to be as honest with myself and the ones around me, that it always turns out that me being honest makes me a bad person. Yet when I try to be a 'good person' that's never good enough either.
This is exactly why I don't have friends. Nobody knows what they really want, what they believe in, or anything else that truly matters. When I go a day without hardly talking, something is automatically wrong. Yet when I'm in a good mood, I'm loud and obnoxious. When I'm sad, I'm being a drama queen and only want attention. When I'm happy, I'm annoyingly optimistic. When I try to fit in, I'm told to do everything I can to stand out. When I try to be unique, I'm ridiculed even more for trying to be my own person.
You truly can't make anyone happy these days. And everyone always says make yourself happy first, and those around you will be happy for you. WHAT A LOAD OF BULLSHIT. When I'm trying to be myself, there is always that one 'friend' that is right there whispering in my ear that it isn't good enough, I'm not good enough, and I never will be. I try so hard to be happy, but anymore, it seems like the ideal of happiness is just another far fetched dream.
So yeah, sometimes I do just want to run away. Drive out to the West Coast and just walk up and down the beach all day, listening to the sound of the waves crash on the beach. But then reality hits me. I have work. I have my mom. I have people who just EXPECT me to make them my first priority when I'm nobody's priority.
I try to be a good friend and I'm told that I need to grow a backbone. Yet when I stand up for what I believe in and what I want in my life, I'm told that I'm being stuck up and I have too high of standards.
The bottom line is that I do know what I want in a friend. And a liar is NOT even close to being on that list. So if you lie to me, you're gone faster than you can blink an eye. &I'm not joking. Lying is one thing that I absolutely don't tolerate. Especially if you think I won't find out about something. Words has this crazy way of spreading like wildfire, and if you think it won't reach me, you're incredibly mislead. Never underestimate my ability to find things out.
I know exactly what I look for in anyone and everyone that is in my life. It might sound bad, but I really don't care. I'm not going to surround myself with people that refuse to make me a better person. I won't be around someone who will influence me in all the wrong ways.
&If that means standing alone, then so be it. That's how it's been my whole life, so it's not like it's something I'm not used to. I'm just so sick of being stuck around crappy friends and horrible people. I'm sick of society justifying the bad things people do. I want better, and I will get it one way or another. Even if that means standing alone and being my own best friend.
I just want to run away. Not to see where I get, or to see who would chase me. I just want to run away for the simple sake of running away. I want to get away from all of the terrible people that are here. It doesn't matter how hard I try to escape it all, it doesn't matter how fast I run, or how far I get, my problems are always faster. They are always right behind me.
I just want to go to sleep one night, and wake up as a different person. I want to crawl into a corner and never come out. I try and try to keep my heart open, because I truly do want to believe that people are worth fighting for, worth trusting, and worth IT in general, but the harder I try, and the more trust I put in people, the more I learn that I'm placing what little trust I have left into the people that least deserve it. &It's a sucky feeling.
I know what I look for in a friend, and when you don't possess those particular attributes, you won't be in my life very long. I have made poor choices in friends my whole life, and I'm sick of it. So now that I'm raising my standards on who I will and won't be friends with, that makes me a bad person?
The idea of never being able to please anyone is finally setting in. &that's exactly why I want to leave. RIGHT NOW. I can't please my mom, I'm not good enough to have friends. When I'm being myself, I'm the bitch who isn't worthy of any friends, but when I try to be friends with everyone, I'm not happy and I just become a worse version of myself. So at the end of the day, why wouldn't I just be who I am? Because that causes even more ridicule. and the fact that I keep hearing the same stupid things over and over and over, day in and day out, it makes you question yourself, who you have in your life, the things you want, and whether or not you're really worth it at the end of the day. And after being told by so many different people that you're not good enough, nor will you ever be, you really start to believe it.
I try to be as honest with myself and the ones around me, that it always turns out that me being honest makes me a bad person. Yet when I try to be a 'good person' that's never good enough either.
This is exactly why I don't have friends. Nobody knows what they really want, what they believe in, or anything else that truly matters. When I go a day without hardly talking, something is automatically wrong. Yet when I'm in a good mood, I'm loud and obnoxious. When I'm sad, I'm being a drama queen and only want attention. When I'm happy, I'm annoyingly optimistic. When I try to fit in, I'm told to do everything I can to stand out. When I try to be unique, I'm ridiculed even more for trying to be my own person.
You truly can't make anyone happy these days. And everyone always says make yourself happy first, and those around you will be happy for you. WHAT A LOAD OF BULLSHIT. When I'm trying to be myself, there is always that one 'friend' that is right there whispering in my ear that it isn't good enough, I'm not good enough, and I never will be. I try so hard to be happy, but anymore, it seems like the ideal of happiness is just another far fetched dream.
So yeah, sometimes I do just want to run away. Drive out to the West Coast and just walk up and down the beach all day, listening to the sound of the waves crash on the beach. But then reality hits me. I have work. I have my mom. I have people who just EXPECT me to make them my first priority when I'm nobody's priority.
I try to be a good friend and I'm told that I need to grow a backbone. Yet when I stand up for what I believe in and what I want in my life, I'm told that I'm being stuck up and I have too high of standards.
The bottom line is that I do know what I want in a friend. And a liar is NOT even close to being on that list. So if you lie to me, you're gone faster than you can blink an eye. &I'm not joking. Lying is one thing that I absolutely don't tolerate. Especially if you think I won't find out about something. Words has this crazy way of spreading like wildfire, and if you think it won't reach me, you're incredibly mislead. Never underestimate my ability to find things out.
I know exactly what I look for in anyone and everyone that is in my life. It might sound bad, but I really don't care. I'm not going to surround myself with people that refuse to make me a better person. I won't be around someone who will influence me in all the wrong ways.
&If that means standing alone, then so be it. That's how it's been my whole life, so it's not like it's something I'm not used to. I'm just so sick of being stuck around crappy friends and horrible people. I'm sick of society justifying the bad things people do. I want better, and I will get it one way or another. Even if that means standing alone and being my own best friend.
25 March 2012
I really enjoy those talks with friends about absolutely nothing, but manage to say absolutely everything. When you start on one topic, but end on something completely different. Those conversations when you have to go back and figure out how in the world you managed to get from point A all the way to point Z when they have nothing in common.
Those conversations when you don't really communicate, but what's said is always understood, appreciated, and usually agreed on.
I love being able to hang out with a friend, and know that everything that's said, is in confidence, and won't go beyond the ears or lips of the very person you're talking to.
I just love, knowing I have finally found a friend worth finding.
&Let me tell you, the wait was very well worth it. Hard at times, but in the end, a true friend is hard to come by, but so very worth all of the crap you went through to find said person.
TRUE STORY.
Goodnight, my lovelies.
Those conversations when you don't really communicate, but what's said is always understood, appreciated, and usually agreed on.
I love being able to hang out with a friend, and know that everything that's said, is in confidence, and won't go beyond the ears or lips of the very person you're talking to.
I just love, knowing I have finally found a friend worth finding.
&Let me tell you, the wait was very well worth it. Hard at times, but in the end, a true friend is hard to come by, but so very worth all of the crap you went through to find said person.
TRUE STORY.
Goodnight, my lovelies.
23 March 2012
Long time no Therapy
What's up, BlogSpot?! I feel like I haven't been on in ages... Hmm, maybe because I truly haven't been on in AGES. Whoa. Crazy stuff right there.
I had a huge therapy session last night with my journal. &I mean intense. It resulted in like 3 pages of very rude words towards people I can't stand, scribbles that stand for me feelings towards said people, and countless holes all over the pages from pressing the pen down too hard. It was good though.(:
You know those people that just rub you the wrong way, but no matter how much you tell them, or make it very clear you don't want to be friends, they just don't get it?! Yeah, try having two of those in your life.
#1, this guy who is annoyingly relentless. He got my phone number from a friend. Mistake number one. He then texts me, WHILE I'M OUT OF TOWN, to ask me out. Keep in mind, he does this... OVER TEXT MESSAGE. And when I don't give him an answer, he then goes to tell me EVERY reason why it never would have worked out anyways. So when I get back into town, he pretends none of it ever happened, and starts hitting on me again. And he keeps telling me how much he wants to be in a relationship with me. FUN PART! He had a girlfriend the entire time. A true winner right there, huh?!
Basically, everything that a guy can do wrong when he claims to like a girl, was done in this particular scenario. Yeah, I'm currently not talking to him. But he clearly doesn't understand that seemingly simple ideal. He still thinks we're friends. My gosh, how dumb can people be anymore!?
#2, stupid girl. Don't you hate it when you sign up to be friends with what a person shows initially, just to find out that who you first saw is nowhere near who they really are? Yeah, it's called being two faced. When they put on a front, but turn out to be the total opposite. &The worst kind of a two faced person? When the side the show everyone else is this little innocent girl who is so nice and can do no wrong with an amazing sense of humor... But who she is, is the girl nobody wants to be friends with, and she's the girl that drives guys insane, and I'm not referring to the good kind of being driven insane. It's the kind of insane that makes them all come up to me and say, literally, "Wow, you really weren't kidding. When I don't reply to her text messages, she sends 10 more. And she sends the dumbest things just to get attention. Seriously, I thought you were kidding."
My response?
"Well, I warned you. Now you're just another name on her list of victims that she won't ever leave alone."
&the fact that she has the audacity to send the text saying, "I'm pregnant!" and then getting mad when she doesn't receive a response, is just beyond shocking. I just want to look at her and yell, "Dude, you're pathetic. The harder you try, the more you drive everyone away.'
My whole thing is... When a friend does something stupid, I'm the kind of friend that will stand by your side, no matter how wrong I know you were. I do everything I can to be like, "Well you know what, they're one of my closest friends, so no matter what they do, I'll back them up 100%"
But when you're doing so many things that I so strongly disagree with, I can't be that friend. She has changed so much since she's moved here. But the worst part? She would deny the whole thing. But you know what? I know what all of my guy friends have told me, I know what she's been saying to them over text message just for attention, and they will all back ME up if I ever call her out on it. And the fact that I have other friends telling me that she's truly psycho, is just another sign that I've made a good choice in NOT being her friend. I just can't stand it when I sign up for a friend, and they turn out to be absolutely everything I avoid in a friend.
How in the world can you be so wrong about a person you were so sure you know so well? That, is a question that has gone unanswered for so long, and this is just another example to add to the list...
And now said persons mentioned above are all buddy buddy! It's laughable, really. It just makes me that much more thankful for the fact that I can notice when someone is being fake, and not feel obligated to stick around. I would so much rather have just a few real friends, than have tons of fake ones... Ya know?
I could go on and on, but I won't. I got most of it out last night, so this is just another form of release for me. But it's not like anyone actually reads my nonsense. Haha, it's just another way to get my brain to slow down enough to put words and actual thoughts together with the feelings. It's a way of putting my thoughts into words so I can figure out exactly how I feel about a situation...
In other news, I'm on a kick and it feels so good. I've decided that since I leave for school in June, why not improve my life now so it's amazing when I get there? &I'm referring to every aspect of my life: psychically, emotionally, who are true friends, spiritually, and my overall mindset. It feels so good. I've come to the resounding conclusion that you really can do whatever you want if you just set your mind to it. All my life, I've always half assed things. And I mean everything. That's the problem with society today, though. We do something once or twice and expect immediate results. We don't like working for things...
Maybe that's why everything anymore isn't as good as it was 10 years ago...? Just a thought.
But I've decided that if I want to be in better shape and actually like what I see when I look in the mirror, I have to commit and not quite until I'm genuinely happy with the outcome. I have to do something and keep up with it until the results are truly what I want, and not stop just because I don't feel like doing it anymore. &Some days it's hard, really hard. But I just tell myself, instead of watching TV for a half hour, go work out. Then you can read a book to actually STIMULATE your brain, and not watch the nonsense that's on television these days. I've been working at it for about two weeks, and so far so good! (: Which is really exciting. Basically, I have until the end of June to better myself while in comfortable surroundings. After that, I'll be at school and EVERYTHING will change. &I'm praying it's for the better. So, wish me luck!
I had a huge therapy session last night with my journal. &I mean intense. It resulted in like 3 pages of very rude words towards people I can't stand, scribbles that stand for me feelings towards said people, and countless holes all over the pages from pressing the pen down too hard. It was good though.(:
You know those people that just rub you the wrong way, but no matter how much you tell them, or make it very clear you don't want to be friends, they just don't get it?! Yeah, try having two of those in your life.
#1, this guy who is annoyingly relentless. He got my phone number from a friend. Mistake number one. He then texts me, WHILE I'M OUT OF TOWN, to ask me out. Keep in mind, he does this... OVER TEXT MESSAGE. And when I don't give him an answer, he then goes to tell me EVERY reason why it never would have worked out anyways. So when I get back into town, he pretends none of it ever happened, and starts hitting on me again. And he keeps telling me how much he wants to be in a relationship with me. FUN PART! He had a girlfriend the entire time. A true winner right there, huh?!
Basically, everything that a guy can do wrong when he claims to like a girl, was done in this particular scenario. Yeah, I'm currently not talking to him. But he clearly doesn't understand that seemingly simple ideal. He still thinks we're friends. My gosh, how dumb can people be anymore!?
#2, stupid girl. Don't you hate it when you sign up to be friends with what a person shows initially, just to find out that who you first saw is nowhere near who they really are? Yeah, it's called being two faced. When they put on a front, but turn out to be the total opposite. &The worst kind of a two faced person? When the side the show everyone else is this little innocent girl who is so nice and can do no wrong with an amazing sense of humor... But who she is, is the girl nobody wants to be friends with, and she's the girl that drives guys insane, and I'm not referring to the good kind of being driven insane. It's the kind of insane that makes them all come up to me and say, literally, "Wow, you really weren't kidding. When I don't reply to her text messages, she sends 10 more. And she sends the dumbest things just to get attention. Seriously, I thought you were kidding."
My response?
"Well, I warned you. Now you're just another name on her list of victims that she won't ever leave alone."
&the fact that she has the audacity to send the text saying, "I'm pregnant!" and then getting mad when she doesn't receive a response, is just beyond shocking. I just want to look at her and yell, "Dude, you're pathetic. The harder you try, the more you drive everyone away.'
My whole thing is... When a friend does something stupid, I'm the kind of friend that will stand by your side, no matter how wrong I know you were. I do everything I can to be like, "Well you know what, they're one of my closest friends, so no matter what they do, I'll back them up 100%"
But when you're doing so many things that I so strongly disagree with, I can't be that friend. She has changed so much since she's moved here. But the worst part? She would deny the whole thing. But you know what? I know what all of my guy friends have told me, I know what she's been saying to them over text message just for attention, and they will all back ME up if I ever call her out on it. And the fact that I have other friends telling me that she's truly psycho, is just another sign that I've made a good choice in NOT being her friend. I just can't stand it when I sign up for a friend, and they turn out to be absolutely everything I avoid in a friend.
How in the world can you be so wrong about a person you were so sure you know so well? That, is a question that has gone unanswered for so long, and this is just another example to add to the list...
And now said persons mentioned above are all buddy buddy! It's laughable, really. It just makes me that much more thankful for the fact that I can notice when someone is being fake, and not feel obligated to stick around. I would so much rather have just a few real friends, than have tons of fake ones... Ya know?
I could go on and on, but I won't. I got most of it out last night, so this is just another form of release for me. But it's not like anyone actually reads my nonsense. Haha, it's just another way to get my brain to slow down enough to put words and actual thoughts together with the feelings. It's a way of putting my thoughts into words so I can figure out exactly how I feel about a situation...
In other news, I'm on a kick and it feels so good. I've decided that since I leave for school in June, why not improve my life now so it's amazing when I get there? &I'm referring to every aspect of my life: psychically, emotionally, who are true friends, spiritually, and my overall mindset. It feels so good. I've come to the resounding conclusion that you really can do whatever you want if you just set your mind to it. All my life, I've always half assed things. And I mean everything. That's the problem with society today, though. We do something once or twice and expect immediate results. We don't like working for things...
Maybe that's why everything anymore isn't as good as it was 10 years ago...? Just a thought.
But I've decided that if I want to be in better shape and actually like what I see when I look in the mirror, I have to commit and not quite until I'm genuinely happy with the outcome. I have to do something and keep up with it until the results are truly what I want, and not stop just because I don't feel like doing it anymore. &Some days it's hard, really hard. But I just tell myself, instead of watching TV for a half hour, go work out. Then you can read a book to actually STIMULATE your brain, and not watch the nonsense that's on television these days. I've been working at it for about two weeks, and so far so good! (: Which is really exciting. Basically, I have until the end of June to better myself while in comfortable surroundings. After that, I'll be at school and EVERYTHING will change. &I'm praying it's for the better. So, wish me luck!
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