{{ Insert Title Here }}: October 2011

Is why I never keep friends around for any given amount of time. I'm more of the loner type.
I don't deal well with people not telling me thing.
I hate it when I make plans with someone, and then they go and do said plans with someone else.
I hate it when my friends have nothing else to talk about but the guy their into.
When I'm with my friends, I want to find things to laugh at, I want to have a good time, not talking about a guy, or what someone did to make them mad this time, or holding grudges against people that I talk to.
This is why I hate having a group of THREE friends.

I'm always the one that gets cut out. I do everything I can to include both of them, I spend time with both of them, I make plans for all of us to spend time together, and what do I get for doing everything I can to be a good friend? I end up being the one to get cut out of the plans.

I'm the one that's always being forgotten about. I get left out on plans. They choose each other over me, the one they've known longer than they've known each other. They leave me in the dark when I was the only person that would talk to them; the only person willing to go out of their way to make them feel comfortable and welcome.

&what do I get in return? I get left out.

I'm always the one that find things out through, take a guess, facebook. Yep, they don't have the decency to tell me to my face...

This is why I read books, I'm addicted to music, and why I love spending so much time on my photography. None of these activities require anyone else there to do it with me. I can do it all alone. When I have the day off work, I'm free to just get in my car and drive. To wherever I want to. Blasting whatever music I want to, going wherever I want to. It allows me to just drive and drive, with any idea of where exactly it is that I want to end up. I'm free to lose myself in life.

I just wish that one day, I would be able to find the one person that would actually treat me like the friend I try so hard to be. I kill myself every day trying to make friends, and doing everything I can to make them last.

&after over 15 years of sucky friendships, anymore, it's a lost cause. It's tedious. Getting attached to someone, hoping with all of my heart that this friend will finally be the one that I've always wanted. The one that will treat me the same way I treat them. One that can take it as well as they can dish it. Someone who has bad days and has really good days. Someone who is willing to just sit, in the quiet with me, and be totally comfortable...

&now I realize, it's not a friend that I'm lacking. It's a soulmate. It's the one person that will accept me for me, want to actually spend time with me, and not make me feel like crap.

I'm so tired of spending all of my time and energy and the little trust I have left on people that will leave me as soon as something better comes along. I just want that one person in life, who won't ever leave me, no matter what I say or do to push them away, they'll always be there for me, just like I'll always be there for them.

Yes, I will continue to be friendly to 99% of the people that I talk to, but at this point, I'm just tired of looking so hard for that one person, who will treat me like a true friend. I just want to find a friend, that in 70 years, I can look back and be able to say, 'wow, they really have been there for me through everything, even if I didn't realize it at the time."

Yep, that day in life, you're more than welcome anytime now, really!

In case anyone was wondering, this is what I have to say about it.
So before you go and call me a bad friend, accuse me of not trying hard enough, not reaching out to the other person, and telling me that I'm the one doing everything wrong, read this. Talk to me about it.
But don't EVER tell me that it's all my fault.
There are two people in every friendship. One person may do something wrong, but it takes BOTH people to stop talking to each other. It takes BOTH people for a friendship to fall apart. NOT ONE. NOT ME. BOTH OF US.

So before you go and start taking sides, you've heard hers... Now listen to mine.

So, I had this friend, we'll call her Sam for all intensive purposes.
Sam and I were really good friends. I don't know if I would say that we were best friends, because I haven't had a best friend since middle school. But we were definitely really close. I would tell her 95% of the things that were going on in my life, I would tell her the things that made me mad, stupid things that happened at work, and everything else that seemed to hold any importance to me at all.
We would talk for hours and never really run out of things to talk about. We would hang out every single day of the week, even if it were only for an hour some days, to ALL day other days of the week. We could sit together in the car and not talk, and be completely okay with the silence. She was the most comfortable with someone I had been in a very long time. So as soon as I let myself get attached to a friend, I hold on with everything inside of me. Which is exactly what happened.

We would spend every day together, and there was always something new to talk about, or something we could do together. We were practically sisters, and I loved that. I hadn't had that in so long, and to have the feeling back was like I'd found a part of me that had been lost for ages.
So this guy from work, let's call him... John. When Sam and John started talking, it was totally cool. I was so happy for her. She had finally found a guy that seemed like a good guy. Hell, I'm still happy for her. If she's happy, then I'm happy for her. I'm not saying it to make me seem less 'mean', I'm saying it because it's true. It's who I am.
So when Sam and John started talking, I was happy for them... Until I started to lose my best friend to this guy that she had only been talking to for a few days. Now, before you go and start judging, let me clarify. We spent literally, EVERY DAY together. And then she starts spending more time with this seemingly random guy. I get it, you get attention from a guy, you want to give him a chance, I do it too. But it's hard when you spend so much time with someone, and then all of the sudden you have to start sharing that little bit of time with someone else, which takes limited time with said person to an even lower amount of time you get to spend with said person.
So, yes. I was getting mad about the fact that she was spending more time with him, and less with me. But I got over that. Sharing, I get it. You have to have it to live. Fine, Awesome, Whatever. I'm over it.
But then, Sam started spending less and less time with me. I would text her every day asking her if she wanted to do something, and it was always a no.
"I can't today."
"No, I already have plans."
"I'm already doing something."
Ar first I took it with a grain of salt. I let it slide. Until that's all I started getting from her every time I texted her. I got the picture, that's for sure. Loud and clear. So I stopped texting her always trying to hang out with her when clearly she no longer wanted to make time for me. I figured she'd text me when she decided to talk to me again, and start being my friend again.
It never happened.
So, I made new friends. I've started talking to my old friends. I've gotten the chance to catch up with friends that I haven't seen in years, and it's all thanks to my little friendship break with Sam.
Is it great to be able to make new friends? Absolutely!
Is it nice being able to see the friends that I haven't talked to in years? You have no idea!
Is it nice losing one of your closest friends, just because a guy came into the picture? It's the worst feeling in the world.

I feel it's necessary to explain at this point, that I have a tumblr that I get on every day and post way too many pictures that I find from sites that apply to my life all too well. Half of the pictures are pieces of photography or art work that I find extremely inspiring and exactly what I want to do with my life. The other half are pictures with quotes &sayings on them that sum up my life in 20 words or less. They aren't ever meant for any one particular person, because when something happens, there's a 100% chance it has happened before. So when I see that one quote that somehow applies to my life at all, I post it to my tumblr.
Now, knowing that, I posted a picture on my tumblr that said something along the lines of, "Hey, remember me? Yeah, we were friends when we were single."
Keep in mind that I don't post pictures with any ONE person in mind. I have had so many friends in life that have dropped me like last season's fashions more times in my life than I can count, so when I saw this quote, of course I was going to post it. Sam read it and took it as a personal blow, which it was not meant to be.

So, I posted this picture on my tumblr, Sam saw it, and from there, all Hell broke lose. NOT what I wanted to happen. To me, it was just another picture that has applied to me my whole life. I have always been the friend that gets ditched when a guy comes into the picture. I've always been the best friend, until something better comes along. &then when things go South with the guy, I'm ALWAYS the friend that they run back to. I've always been the shoulder to cry on. I've always been the friend that has been ditched for the guy, and has been expected to still be there at the end of the day when they need someone to vent to. &Silly me, that's who I've always been.
To be frank, I'm getting tired of being THAT friend. Yes, I will always be a friend to those who need one, and I will always be a shoulder to cry on for those who don't have anyone else to turn to.
But at the same time, I will no longer be the second choice for a friend, just because SOME GUY has showed the least bit of interest in them.
I've been that friend my whole life. &After almost 19 years of it, it's getting really old.
So, I posted that picture just as another, "Oh hey look, yet another picture that sums up that part of my life. Cool."
Sam took it as a personal blow, which is understandable seeing as how rocky our friendship had been lately. YES, that part is my fault. I wasn't thinking about it, so I will gladly take the blame for that. &I hate to say it, but I think that was the thing that pushed this whole thing over the edge. We had a falling out a few times before, but me posting this, unconsciously, was the reason we are where we are now.
But is it all my fault? Hardly. As I said earlier, I texted her every day for nearly a week and a half suggesting we do something, just to be shot down. Every single time. &At a certain point, you can only take so much rejection from one person before you're bound to move on. &I had reached that point. I was sick of being the one to initiate it every day, and be told NO in a different way every time. &It's one of those things, even if she had, just once, said "Hey, I can't today but, maybe Tuesday" or something along those lines. Even with a no, I think people should give an alternative route. Especially after turning someone down more than two times in a row.
I mean, common sense. Put yourself in my shoes. If you asked anyone to do something, and got shot down every single time, at what point would you stop trying? You wouldn't be the one to wait around forever, I can guarantee you that. &Neither am I.
I had spent the past few weeks spending every day with Sam, and all of the sudden, she was hardly talking to me. Awesome. Cool. I lost a friend. Well, I guess it's time to find a new one since the one I had previously referred to as my best friend no longer had room in her life for me.
So that's just what I did. I found a friend in, let's call her... Lauren.
So Lauren and I started talking, and Sam and I stopped.
And then I notice that on her tumblr page, of which I still follow, said something along the lines of blaming me for the fact that when a guy comes into her life, her friendships fall apart. And she is saying that it's my fault for making it 'suck' for her, when I didn't do anything to make it suck. And first of all, since when in your happiness in the hands of other people. If you want to be happy, then be. There will always be those in the world that will want to see you fail, but honey, I'm not one of them. I'm honest and sarcastic. You have gotten very good at ignoring it, so why is this any different?! Don't even start blaming me for you not having any friends. I tried, and tried, and tried, to find time for us to hang out. But at some point, everyone is going to write it off as a lost cause and move on. &That is exactly what I did. You weren't being a friend to me, so I went and found someone who would.
I found a new friend, and you have your boyfriend. I have friends outside of work, and you have your boyfriend. I have time for me, and time for each and every one of my friends, and you have your boyfriend. Congratulations, we're so extremely opposite.

Do I want the friendship I had with Sam to be over? Of course not! I hate looking back on times knowing how it ended because of one little thing. I hate it when friendships end over a stupid fight when it's something as trivial as learning how to balance your time. I hate losing friends. It sucks. Even after the amount of friends that I've lost, it still hurts. &It's hard, getting close to someone and losing them. Knowing they hold your secrets, the things you don't advertise, they know your past, they know the parts of you that nobody else knows, and yet, they're gone. For now, forever, no one ever really knows for how long. Or if you'll ever get that person back.

Okay, moving on. As soon as Sam and John start dating, Sam informs me that John seems to think that I hate him. For whatever reason. Keep in mind that I have spoken to the kid like twice in my whole life, and that was ONLY because I knew he had a thing for my friend.
And now all of the sudden he thinks I hate him?! The hell?!
&You want to know what she has to say about it? Sam tells me that I need to prove to him that I don't have him.
Uhm, excuse me, FIRST OF ALL, he has absolutely no reason to think that I hate him. SECOND OF ALL, I will NOT prove something to someone that I hardly know, based on something that is premature and has no reasoning behind it. THIRD of all, I'm sorry if your new boyfriend doesn't understand sarcasm like a normal person, but that's me, and I won't apologize for who I am.

And now she's telling people at work why we aren't talking. To be frank, I think that's the dumbest thing ever. We aren't talking for a reason. A reason of which isn't the business of every single one of our coworkers. For reasons that are between she and I. For reasons that are of no concern to anyone that isn't her or me. And people at work are taking sides without hearing both sides of the story.
I have a story to tell from my perspective. She has a story to tell from her perspective. Are they going to be the same? Of course not, they never are. We're different people with different outlooks on a situation.
People ask me what I did wrong. People ask me what she did wrong. I tell her that it's not entirely any one person's fault. It takes two people to make a friendship. It takes two people to make a friendship WORK. We have both failed at the latter. We have BOTH stopped trying to make it work. We have both done things wrong. We have both been in the wrong in one way or another.
You ask me what I did? I'll tell you I didn't do any one thing to make it fall apart.
You ask me what she did? I'll tell you it isn't entirely her fault.
You tell me that's a mature response? Not really, it's the truth.
I see no reason to blame it all on one person when the blame belongs on each of us equally. We have failed each other as friends.

AND NO, IT'S NONE OF YOUR EFFING BUSINESS

&No, I'm not going to go around telling people this because it's not their business, &the amount of people reading this (if any at all) will be so slim it won't make any kind of difference anyways.

Basically, that's my side of the story. Are there other things that have happened in this that I have left out? Yes. This is my side of the story. There are things that have been left out, for whatever reason, and you don't need to know them. So before you go around placing the blame where blame shouldn't be, make sure you aren't taking a side that may or may not be entirely true. This is MY side of the story.

Bottom line of the story?

Everyone leaves. Everyone has left. I don't see the point anymore of getting close to people when all that's every gotten me is broken hearts, broken promises, and a broken me. I don't trust. I just don't. Every single person I have ever trusted in my life has left me, blamed me for problems, and told me I am worthless. That's why I don't deal with people. That's why I have few friends. People cause drama, and I'm so sick of it all. I just choose not to have friends. Am I friendly? Always, and I will be. People lie, steal, cheat, and blame. That's just people. I get it. But I'm so over the immaturity of those around me. I just choose to be a homebody instead and spend my nights in my bed reading books with characters that are nonexistent. They are easier to deal with than real people.
Just once in my life I want a friend, a guy, SOMEBODY to tell me that they won't leave, and actually prove it to me. I want someone to make me a promise and NOT break it. I want someone to chase me when I try to leave. I want someone to fight for me to stay in their life. I want ONE PERSON to prove to me that not every person that comes into my life is a total waste. I want one person in my life, to come and not every have the intention of leaving and proving yet again, that everyone leaves sooner or later. I want ONE person, to have the guts to stick around.

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24 October 2011

&This my friends,

11 October 2011

I'm done aplogizing.

Small World

02 October 2011

My Side of the Story

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