&This my friends,

Is why I never keep friends around for any given amount of time. I'm more of the loner type.
I don't deal well with people not telling me thing.
I hate it when I make plans with someone, and then they go and do said plans with someone else.
I hate it when my friends have nothing else to talk about but the guy their into.
When I'm with my friends, I want to find things to laugh at, I want to have a good time, not talking about a guy, or what someone did to make them mad this time, or holding grudges against people that I talk to.
This is why I hate having a group of THREE friends.

I'm always the one that gets cut out. I do everything I can to include both of them, I spend time with both of them, I make plans for all of us to spend time together, and what do I get for doing everything I can to be a good friend? I end up being the one to get cut out of the plans.

I'm the one that's always being forgotten about. I get left out on plans. They choose each other over me, the one they've known longer than they've known each other. They leave me in the dark when I was the only person that would talk to them; the only person willing to go out of their way to make them feel comfortable and welcome.

&what do I get in return? I get left out.

I'm always the one that find things out through, take a guess, facebook. Yep, they don't have the decency to tell me to my face...


This is why I read books, I'm addicted to music, and why I love spending so much time on my photography. None of these activities require anyone else there to do it with me. I can do it all alone. When I have the day off work, I'm free to just get in my car and drive. To wherever I want to. Blasting whatever music I want to, going wherever I want to. It allows me to just drive and drive, with any idea of where exactly it is that I want to end up. I'm free to lose myself in life.

I just wish that one day, I would be able to find the one person that would actually treat me like the friend I try so hard to be. I kill myself every day trying to make friends, and doing everything I can to make them last.

&after over 15 years of sucky friendships, anymore, it's a lost cause. It's tedious. Getting attached to someone, hoping with all of my heart that this friend will finally be the one that I've always wanted. The one that will treat me the same way I treat them. One that can take it as well as they can dish it. Someone who has bad days and has really good days. Someone who is willing to just sit, in the quiet with me, and be totally comfortable...

&now I realize, it's not a friend that I'm lacking. It's a soulmate. It's the one person that will accept me for me, want to actually spend time with me, and not make me feel like crap.

I'm so tired of spending all of my time and energy and the little trust I have left on people that will leave me as soon as something better comes along. I just want that one person in life, who won't ever leave me, no matter what I say or do to push them away, they'll always be there for me, just like I'll always be there for them.

Yes, I will continue to be friendly to 99% of the people that I talk to, but at this point, I'm just tired of looking so hard for that one person, who will treat me like a true friend. I just want to find a friend, that in 70 years, I can look back and be able to say, 'wow, they really have been there for me through everything, even if I didn't realize it at the time."

Yep, that day in life, you're more than welcome anytime now, really!