Note to the Unknown Reader

Don’t try to solve my problems. Just listen.
I don’t want to tell you my problems. Don’t force them out of me.
Don’t blame me for finally telling you what’s really on my mind. Suck it up &take it.
You think I’m mad, I say I’m not. Deal with the answer &move on.
When I tell you what’s on my mind, don’t pity me. Just sit there and pretend to listen.
People say they’re not made to date. I’m not made to date or have friends.
I don’t know what the word ‘trust’ means. &There’s a 99% chance I don’t have it for you.
I don’t want/need a boyfriend. I just want someone who will lay with me for hours &not have to say anything.
I hate most people. You’re no exception.
My highs are higher than yours. But my lows are much lower.
Don’t judge me before you know me. You WILL be wrong.
I’m sarcastic, I don’t lie.
I’m not mean, I’m just more honest than most people.
I love laughing. You won’t be able to tell the difference between the fake one &the real thing..
I want a relationship, but I DON’T KNOW HOW to be in a relationship.
I want a true friendship, but I DON’T KNOW HOW to be at true friend.
Things piss me off. All the time. &I won’t ever let you hear the end of it.
Don’t blame me for one thing, when that’s not the reasoning behind it.
“Put on your big girl panties, and get over it.” Yes, PLEASE.
I want forever. I know forever is a lie.
I’m a mess of emotions. Can’t handle it? Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
I want you to fight for me. Show me that you want me in your life. Even when I do everything I can to push you away.
I like having guy friends more than girl friends. I hate making new friends.
I say what I mean &I mean what I say. I don't say it for reassurance from you or so that you'll contradict me. I say it because I MEAN IT.
“Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to thin the sun shines out of your ass.”
Don’t try to make me do things. Ask me nicely.
Don’t expect me to dress up for you. I’ll do it if I want to.
I hate staying at home. I’m a homebody.
I won’t tell you how I feel about you. I expect you to tell me exactly how you feel about me.
Don’t judge me based on what you see once, what someone who hates me has to say about me, what you overhear me saying to someone, or what I wear once in my life. I can’t be summed up, not can I be taken seriously for once. I’m a walking joke, a world class hypocrite, and an overly honest person. Can’t take it, no ones stopping you from leaving &you wouldn’t be the first person to do it. I’m screwed up. For many reason. Reasons that you’ll probably never know. No one sticks around long enough to find out. I laugh too loud, I’m too emotional, I’m strong when I should be weak and I cry when I should be sucking it up. I attack when I’m hiding what I’m really feeling, and I take all of the crap when I don’t want to fight. I have no fucking idea what I want out of life, who I am, or anything else of any importance. I’m a mess. That’s the bottom line. I hate my life &odds are I hate you. Goodbye and goodnight.

Get Mad For Once in Your Pathetic Life.

Do you ever just want to be able to get angry? Say what’s really on your mind &not have to think twice about eh repercussions of it all? Do you ever just want to be able to get into an argument and get heated about how you really feel, and have the other person have the balls to yell back at you? Do you ever just want to be able to say exactly how you feel, the moment you feel it?

Yell at the top of your lungs. Scream at someone. Not have to hold back the tears until you’re alone. Tell them what you mean, and mean what you’re saying.

Do you ever just want to be 100% honest with the people around you, and not have to worry about whether or not they’ll still be your friend afterwards?
I do. All the time.

Just once, I wish I could be so riled up and not think twice about saying what I feel. Just one, being able to scream in their face and know that they won’t get offended, or even if they do, they’ll come back with something besides the usual comment that makes you seem like you’re the bad guy for actually feeling something?

Do you ever wish that you didn’t feel inferior to those around you? Like for once, you would have a story that they would all be WANTING to hear, instead of always being the one on the sidelines listening to the stories being told?

Do you ever wish you didn’t have to cry yourself to sleep, because your pillow is the only person/thing that really knows how you’re always feeling? The one thing you never feel obligated to hide anything from. You hug it when you’re happy, you smile and laugh, it’s your shoulder to cry on when life seems to be crumbling down.

Do you ever just wish, you could run away from everything? Just pack up and leave whenever you feel like it? Just be able to get away from reality & maybe even get a new one? Do you ever find yourself wishing you knew different people, and not the ones you currently know?

Do you ever wish that things were… different? Honest? REAL?

Walking Flaw

I take things for what they aren’t.
I over exaggerate everything.
I over analyze basically every situation.
I read too much into things.
I find flaws in everything around me before I find the beauty.
I laugh too loud.
I’m too sarcastic.
I come across as rude to people I don’t know.
I find reasons to hate people because my friends hate them.
I judge people before I know them.
I’m a world class hypocrite.
I judge others for the same flaws that I have.
I don’t know what I want out of life.
I want change but at the same time the thought of it terrifies me.
I have gotten so used to covering up what I really feel, I don’t know how to feel what I feel.
I want people to trust me, even if I don’t trust them.
I retract myself from those around me when the smallest things don’t go the way I want them to.
I hate it when my friends get boyfriends.
All I want at this point is to get out of this town and meet new people.
I suck at staying in touch with people.
I twist things around to they are in my favor.
I hate my job, but I’m too lazy to look for another one.
I don’t like a lot of girls.
I have been told that I come across as abrasive.
I hate the fact that the previous statement has happened more than once.
I know the kind of person that I want to be, I just don’t know HOW.
I don’t see flaws in anyone but myself.
I have low self esteem, but talking to me, most wouldn’t think so.
I’m always afraid of being judged for the things I do, say or how I look.
I suck at being a good friend.
I don’t know how to have friends, keep friends, or be a friend.
I’m a homebody and like spending time alone.
I find it easier to keep a smile on my face than to explain what’s really wrong.
I don’t know how to show my real emotions anymore.
I’ve spent my whole life being strong for those around me, I don’t really know anymore how to be weak.
I believe in love, but I often doubt love believes in me.
I’ve lost the brutally honest person that I used to be. I miss being that person.
I’ve tried so hard to mold myself to the people around me, I’ve lost myself in the process.
Music always manages to say the things I can’t.
I’ve learned to live vicariously through those around me.
I can’t wait to move out and get my own place just so that I can decorate it the way I want to and not have to worry about others having a choice in it.
I want to be hugged and have it last more than 2 seconds.
I am the most insecure and clueless person you will meet.
I don’t want a ‘prince charming.’ I just want someone who will love me at my best and my worst.
I hate being around people that are overly negative.
I want people to look at me and think, ‘wow, she’s really genuine and always finds the good in people, and her heart is pure.’
I want people to want to know me for that reason, and that reason only.
I wish I had a much larger vocabulary than I currently do.
I’ve been hurt and let down by so many, I don’t know how to trust anyone.
I’m really good at faking the things I know others want to see or believe.

In the last 18 years of my life, I’ve found myself and lost myself too many times to count. I’ve had friends, and I’ve had people who have stabbed my in the back. I’ve been let down by those closest to me. I’ve betrayed people myself because of my doubts. I’ve learned too well to hid what I really feel, and to keep to myself what I really think. I’ve learned how to compose myself in public; in the process, I’ve lost ME. I don’t know who I am, where I’m going, or who will be with me through it all.
I myself, am the worlds biggest flaw, a walking train-wreck.
And because that’s all I see, I believe that’s all others see.