I'm lost, in myself.
I'm lost, in this maze they all call life.

I'm lost, and I don't know which way to go in order to un-lose myself.

Do you ever just want to get in your car and drive away?
Not necessarily in order to get from point A to point B,
But just to see where you end up.

Just to see where it is that your heart takes you?
But have you ever gotten in the car, had the key nearly into the ignition and stopped?
Have you ever wondered what that was that was stopping you?
Fear?
Denial?
Anticipation?
The idea that it's too... something?

All the damn time. That's me, all the damn time.
I get into my car and want to just drive, but what is it that actually stops me?
Reality.
Reality hits me, and I get scared.
What will happen if I venture down this road?
Will it take me somewhere I need to be?
Or will something bad happen and make me regret ever getting into the car that late at night?

Like, instead of driving the same drive you drive every day... Instead of always going right, go left and see where it takes you.
In my case, go East, and don't stop. Drive past the towns that are right next to me, and just go.
Don't stop, don't look back. Just do it.
Instead of going through the nothingness that is Falcon, go through Black Forest, on roads that I haven't been down since I was in grade school. Just to see something new, to venture down a road you have yet to try.

I dream about it, day in and day out.
I dream about getting away from here.
Away from this town, away from the people, away from my job.
Just a fresh start somewhere no one knows me.

Somewhere up in the mountains where I can live with the bare minimum, not worrying about being further tainted by the hand of modern day technology.
Get back into hand written letters, memorizing people phone numbers, going to people's houses, dropping by and staying for a spell.
The way that I was raised, I want to get back to that, so bad.
I never thought I would want to live the same way I was raised,
But the further I get from that upbringing, the more I long for the simplicity.

The simplicity of knowing that everyone is friends with everyone. But even if you don't like someone, you can still be civil with them. The idea of actually enjoying the company people can be. The idea of knowing the home phone number of all of your best friends, but always being able to just walk five minutes down the road, knock on the door, and lose track of time just doing things outside.
I'm so sick of everything that is today.
I'm tired of the fact that if you lose your phone, you don't know what to do with yourself.
If you can't update your facebook, twitter, or tumblr everyday, you feel so far out of the loop.
I miss playing outside until dark, and having to call my dad to come pick me up because,even though out neighborhood was beyond safe, the idea of a girl walking alone at night was nearly a crime.
I miss having my horses to just saddle up and right whenever I wanted to. I miss having litters of puppies around me.
I mean, after all, who in this world is a better listener than the pet you grew up with?
Absolutely nobody.

I miss the simplicity of my childhood. It's just that easy. I miss knowing that your group of friends were just that, FRIENDS. Anymore, as soon as you don't agree about something, you're free to move on. Why do so few people feel the need to actually talk about something, and work something out, when disagreeing on a given topic? What ever happened to the beloved for of communication, talking?
Like, actually, sitting down with someone and being able to just talk for hours...?

Honestly, what has this world come to?
They say that you should be the change you wish to see in the world.
But that's really hard to do when this world is full of copycats who won't believe something were it to be permanently tattooed on their forehead.


Seriously, though. I'm still a teenager, but I feel like my life is just pitiful. I mean, were I to die tomorrow, what would I have to show for it? Some funny moments and a few decent memories? That's not good enough anymore. I feel like everyone is meant for so much more, but constantly chasing that little bit of 'better' is so exhausting. If life were a distance race, I would be in last place, that's for darn sure.

I just want my life, to fee again, like it's mine. I'm sick of feeling like I'm living in a dream, because to be honest, at this point, even my dreams, as few and far between as they really are, are much more desirable than being awake.
I'm ready for the tables to flip in my direction and remind me what it was that I've been working for all this time, because anymore, I just don't remember.
And if I can't remember what I wanted when I was five, then really, what's the point.
After all, everything was so pure when you were five;
Everything was possible,
And no dream was out of reach.
The world was literally at the tip of our fingers,
And all I remember wanting,
Was to grow up faster.


Now? I would kill to have those days back. I would do anything, just to have that simplicity and carefree ideal of life back. Anymore, things are just too complicated. And really, how much of it is actually worth it at the end of the day?

Pretty Please

Someone save me, please.
I'm drowning, and the harder I swim, the faster I get pulled under.
Someone steal me away from myself, if only for a moment.
Show me a life full of thrill and enjoyment.
Someone save me, please.

Dear God

I feel like I'm stuck in my life.
I know you have a plan for me,
but I have a hard time believing that what I am currently doing
is what I was made to do.

I know I have a bigger reason for being,
I just need your help.
I'm begging and pleading,
What is it?

I feel stuck, and I'm on my knees begging you for answers.
I know they say that some of Your greatest gifts are unanswered prayers,
but I need something.

Please.

I feel stuck, and I need your help getting unstuck.
Please, just show me the way,
because I know that
You are the only way.

Please, just show me something.
Please help.

Crying sucks.

It's a very widely known fact that anyone in the world can be linked to any other given person by the seven degrees of separation, in my opinion, seven or less.
And I guess that ideal hasn't really hit me until today.
I was browsing through my friends on facebook and came over one of the people I went to middle school and high school with. As I'm casually facebook stalking him, I notice his family list, and on it is a guy who looks awfully familiar.
So, what do I do? Click on his profile, of course. Low and behold, he's the cute guy that sits across from me in English.
Okay, I can deal with that.
So, more facebook stalking happens.
And as I'm looking through his pictures, I see a name that looks insanely familiar.
Vanbebber. Now where in the world have I heard that last name before?
Oh yeah, the Laird household. Huh, that's a little eery. But anyway, moving onto the next picture.
Who is in the next picture?
None other than Tanner.
Sierra's-used-to-be-Tanner
SMALL WORLD.

So how do the seven degrees (or less) of separation come into play?
I went to school with Peter Jordahl,
Peter's brother is Dan Jordahl,
Dan Jordahl is friends with Tanner,
Tanner used to date Sierra,
Sierra is my best friend

WHAT A SMALL WORLD it really turned out to be.
I just can't get over it. UNCANNY! Like, seriously?!



Jordyn Vanbebber, Dan Jordahl, Tanner, Sierra.

Do you ever just wake up feeling like a horrible person?

It's almost midnight and sleep is nowhere near.
Thoughts are racing, threatening to never slow down.
So many possibilities, but which is the right path?
Things that have been, things that are, and things that could be.
Do I say yes, do I deny?
Which is the right path?

Ask, beg, pray for you life.
I ask for the answers I can't muster;
No response in the foreseeable future.
Right or left? Up or down?
Which is the right path?

Him or no one?
School or travel?
Learn or experience?
There are pros and cons to each,
but at the end of my life,
which would have been the right path to have gone down?

Thoughts, possibilities,
Dreams and aspirations;
They're all present, but none bolded, italicized or underlined.
None standing out from the crown, so
which is the right path?

Voices screaming and songs blaring
There are words everywhere,
but they're jumbled and make no sense.
I beg and pray for them to stop.
And they do.

Nothing but silence.
But the silence is deafening, like an explosion in my head
that renders me unable to hear.
No voices, no whispers, no racing thoughts.
Suddenly, the chaos is highly desirable.

So as I sit down to put words to the chaos,
the voices come back,
racing and twirling, and screaming louder than ever.
But which is the right voice to listen to?

There are so many options, but with just me in my head
none seem to be choosable,
for they are all flawed greatly, and one desires perfection.

I guess I will lay my head to rest once more,
and just pray for an answer,
"God, which is the path to take?
"Am I Right or am I Wrong?
"Can't I get an answer, because I'm lost and begging for any assistance.
"Where are you?"
And last but not least,
Which is the right path to take?

Are any of them worth venturing down even in the slightest?
Or am I looking in the complete wrong direction?
God, Which path is the one for me?

Do you ever just want to run away?
From work?
From the stress?
From every sense of reality?
From your life?


Welcome to my life.
This year was supposed to be the best year of my life.
It has yet to even be one worth remembering.

People always tell you that money doesn't buy happiness. But if you don't have enough money to provide you the things and opportunities that make you happy, then isn't it all just a huge lie?

Gosh, sometimes I just wish I were smart, and skinny, and funny, and pretty, and in control.
Instead I will simply wallow in self pity and hate myself and just wish I were better.

Music has the power to change the world.

11 September 2001

Eleven years ago today, many lives were lost. Don’t let those lives ever be forgotten, don’t think those lives were lost for nothing. And more importantly, if you see a man or woman in uniform today, be sure to go out of your way to thank them for everything they do to serve this country.

“Home of the free, because of the brave.” 

We were alive through a piece of history; it’s our job to make sure that history is never forgotten.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvj6zdWLUuk

Changes

After reading through blog posts that I published over a year ago, I've really started to realize just how much has changed. The people who used to be my best friends are no longer in my life. People that I didn't even know last year are now some of the most important people in my life.
I feel like I used to be such a deep person, my writing used to reflect things I couldn't bring myself to find the words for. What happened? What changed?

Did life happen? Did something occur to make me feel like something trivial was more important than the time to myself every day when I would sit down and just write?
What ever happened to me wanting to be a writer? What ever happened to me being able to find something amazing in every day to sit down and want to share with my blog?
People might not have even read it, but just being able to sit down and find words to put parallel to the emotions, what happened to that?

I miss setting aside that time every day, literally, and being able to analyze my day; Tell myself the good things that happened, along with learning to accept the bad. I just miss my time that I had for me.
But the worst part? It's completely my fault. Reading through blog posts from over a year ago, I was so ambitious, I wanted so much out of life, the next five years; I wanted to accomplish so much, I had goals set... What happened? At what point did my dreams take a back burner to work, and just the trivial day-to-day stuff that stresses me out anyways?

I feel like I used to have so much time to sit down and get my feelings in order and I would have time to spill them onto the keyboard, only stopping when my fingers were sore from hitting so many buttons. What happened in my life, that has caused so much to change?

And more importantly, what do I have to change in order to get that time back?

The weight of the world

Isn't it amazing, what just getting your thoughts out does for a person? Even if you're not actually voicing those words to someone who can hear them, just putting them somewhere that's not your mind can do great things for someone.

Writing letters does just that for me. It allows me to release what I'm feeling inside and forced me to take the time to put words together, to form complete thoughts that actually make sense. Writing allows me to put words to my feelings, and it always amazes me just how much better I feel once I get done writing.
It forced me to slow my mind, to actually take the time to figure out just what it is that I feel about something or someone.
In talking to someone, noises, sighs, smiles, and grunts can be enough to get the emotion across, but when you're just talking to a non responsive piece of paper? Those things won't get you anywhere.

But now for the hard part. I've managed to put my feelings out on the paper, now I just have to get that little piece of paper into the hands of the recipient, and hope for the best.
The easy part is done, now it's just for the sucking it up part, which is always the hardest for me, especially when it comes to my ego.

Welp, here goes nothing. Wish me luck. Seriously.