http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTowId2CWHA
No, this link does not go to the Sara Evans song, sorry. It goes to something that goes right along with where I am right now. At this very moment. So, enjoy...
Do you ever feel like you're all alone, when you're surrounded by people? Do you ever feel like something is missing, even though to the outside world, it seems as though you have everything? Do you ever feel, like you alone, are the only person who feels this way?
I feel like there is something missing in my life. I have no idea what it might be, but I can feel that there's something missing. A boyfriend? Eh. My friends? Absolutely. But it seems like something more.
I don't have any idea what I want to do, what I want out of life, who I am, what I want to be, or who I want to be. I don't know where I want to go to college, I don't know who my true friends are, I don't know who will really be there for me when I really need it. I don't know who to trust, I don't know who to forgive, and who to forget. I don't know anything anymore, and I don't know how I feel about it. Sometimes I just feel as though I'm just floating from day to day, not even making a difference. That, in my mind, is the worst thing that can happen. The one thing that I want out of life, and this I know for sure, is to make a difference. I don't necessarily want to change the world. 1, because that's extremely cliche. 2, Do you have any idea how hard it would be to POSITIVELY affect every single person in the world?!
I know I want to change the lives of people that seems to have nothing left. I want to be the person that friends look to for hope. I want to be the person that someone can look at and say, 'Even when things fall to pieces, that smile never leaves her face.'
I want to make an impression on the world. I want to travel around the world, I want to go on mission trips with my church, all over the world, not just the country. I WILL travel to every country on the planet, before I die...
I just don't know anymore.
I don't know how to go about that. I don't know if I should go to college first, or try to travel first. Should I try to find that special someone that loves me for me, and then see if he wants to travel with me, or do I travel now, and find him along the way? Do I devote my life to God, or promise my life to my own hopes and dreams, regardless of His plans for me.?
I don't know anymore, and it makes me sad. I have days when I know exactly what I want to do with my life, without a single speck of doubt in my mind. Then, I have days like today, when I just can't make up my mind even if my life depended on it...
:(
I'm terrified of the idea that I will soon start forgetting. I will forget the people that once meant so much to me. I will forget the laughs, and the memories, both good and bad. I will forget the days that made me want to give up, bend over, and just cry until there was nothing left inside me. I don't ever want to forget the times, the people, and the memories that now seem so vitally important. But, I fear that one day, they will all be lost, somewhere in the vast folders of my memories, unable to pull them to the front, to look back on them.
I fear that one day, the people that swore they would never forget me, will forget me. One of my biggest, if not THE biggest, fear that I have, is being forgotten by the people that I won't ever forget. I fear that one day I will look back at the memories from years prior, and just know, that those people, wouldn't look twice at me if they were to see me on the street. I fear that the things that are my life right now, will soon be nothing.
I want to move on, but I'm terrified. I'm scared to leave all that I know, for something that is completely new, completely unknown, and completely out of my comfort zone. I love change, but only in moderation... I don't like it when I'm thrust into something totally new without knowing anything about what might be coming...
I'm scared, for the first time in forever, of what life has in store for me. Will it be good? Will it make me work for it? Will it land in my lap? But the most important thing that I ask myself every day...? Will the life I was given, give me the power to change the lives of people around me, and more importantly, will it be worth remembering and fighting for?
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