Have you ever looked back on times you never thought you'd think twice about, just to realize that you do actually miss them? Gah, why does this always happen to me?
I always think somebody is so friendworthy, I let them in, just to let myself get hurt. I trust people I shouldn't just because they seem like the kind of person that is super chill, and just because I want to be able to say that I'm friends with them. And then, my luck, I end up despising them; and all the while, they don't get the memo that I really don't like them.
What is it about me that attracts all the weirdos? I can be mean to the people that I love the most, and they lose their trust in me. Yet when I'm rude to people I really don't like, they just don't seem to get the message that I really don't want to talk to them. EVER.
I take one thing, and turn it into another. And at the same time, I look at something as nothing, when it's the biggest thing. Get it? Good.
I hate saying sorry first. I know I should be the bigger person in any given situation, but I hate putting my ego out of the picture and saying sorry. I hate laying my feelings on the line, just to have people make fun of them, run over them, and use them against me. I hate being the vulnerable one in a situation, and because of that, I don't like to say sorry, even when I know I should. I hate being the one that gets torn up inside over the smallest things, when I know that the other person should care less what happens in the end.
I hate when people look at me after I lay my heart on the line in front of them, tell them what I'm feelings, let them know what I think I should do, and tell them everything about a situation, and have them look at me and say something like, "They're stupid, just forget about it." Obviously, if it was that easy, I would have no problem in life. But, that's NOT how things go. I do one thing, and after the fact, it ends up eating at me for days, weeks, even months afterwards. Something that I hated in the moments, I would give anything to have back. And things that I thought I wanted so badly, I wish had never happened.
I hate PDA. So very much. I can laugh with friends, guys and girls, I can make a complete ass of myself voluntarily, but as soon as it comes to PDA, I freeze, I lock up, and I put my walls right back up, full throttle. I hate giving people hugs in places where I know everybody. I hate holding hands, and kissing? Well, if you can't figure out the answer to that, just leave. RIGHT NOW. Seriously. Affection is for personal use, not to show off to the world. I hate when I see people making out in the middle of a place where there are tons of people around, I mean, you're kidding, right?!
(I always loved your hugs, and whenever I see you giving one to someone else, I secretly wish it were me that you were hugging like that. But here's the thing. I did love your hugs, and maybe I still do, but I don't like getting them in the the middle of work, with peers and coworkers around when I know they're looking on with judgmental eyes. You may not find it awkward, but I do, and probably always will. I miss your hugs so very much, but the sad part is that you will never read this, therefore you will never know this. I miss your hugs, I miss you. I want your hugs, they made me feel safe, and made me happy. The one thing that you will NEVER know, is that in your arms, I felt safest. I felt like I knew what love feels like, how it feels to have somebody that truly cares, and somebody that knows the real me. I'm just not the kind of person to do stuff like that in front of everyone I know. I'm a love in private, not love in public, kind of person. No, I'm not ashamed, I just don't like having everyone watch what is only mine, or used to be. I miss you, so much. &what I fear more than anything, is that I will never get to have another one of your amazing hugs.)
What is it with me being able to spill my guts in writing, but when it comes to actually facing someone, I wimp out and can't find the right words? I know that it's easy for me to write, and when I do, words just flow naturally. Why can't they just come to me when I'm in the moment. Sometimes they do, but when I look back on it, the words that came, usually aren't the ones that I wanted. It's easy for me to say sorry to a blank canvas of nothingness, but when it comes to facing an actual person, my ego gets right back in the way, and I can't bring myself to do it. In my mind, I always want to make things better, but then my mind gets in the way, and I start over thinking everything. For example, I've tried to go to bed three times, and each time I've needed to get back on here to add something, fix something, or rewrite something. I over analyze, over think, and under-do EVERYTHING. I can run a scenario out in my mind, talk myself through it by myself, carry on conversations with myself! Yet when it comes down to it, I can't ever seem to find the right words, when I really need them.
So here it is. I'm sorry. The person that I want to read this probably never will. But I guess this is as close as I will be getting for now.
&Yes, I could easily just write this ONE person a note, but that seems like a wussy way out of things. Like, if I write the note, how will I ever know if this one person actually reads it, or takes one look at it, and throws it away as soon as I'm out of sight? Do you see the terrible things my mind does to me?! In a daily basis?! It's really a problem. I do this. For everything in my life. It's TERRIBLEEE!!!!
And what is the deal with girls being so self conscious when they're alone, but as soon as the guy they like walks into the room, they act like they own the place and like they're best friends with everyone? Honey, I hated you before he walked in, I will hate you when he's here, and I will STILL hate you when he's gone. Just because a guy is around doesn't mean that my feelings toward you will change. Sorry to burst your bubble, but that's just how things go. Learn to deal.
On another note, I hate 99% of the people that come into Target. So very much. I mean, how many people shot by coupons anymore?! Apparently crazy people who have nothing better to do with their time than sit on the couch, cutting hundreds of coupons a day, and storing the in binders. SERIOUSLY?! And what is it with people being convinced that people who work in places like Target are incompetent? I'm sorry I'm only 18, have no college degree, and work in Target because it's a paycheck until I can move onto something better? Come on now, let's get serious.
&Just because a price was 23c off, you're seriously going to ask to see a manager. If you're worried about a quarter, you shouldn't be at target. You should be taking your fancy fanny down to the local dollar store &shopping there. Get a life. Don't come to Target every day of your life. Go find a hobby, have a kid to take up your time, SOMETHING, anything to get your sad butt outta my place of work. Thanks, SO much.
Well, that's my rant for the night. I have a lot to think about, so I get to lay in bed until the thoughts learn to control themselves and let me fall asleep so I can be somewhat rested for work tomorrow.
&&The best part of the whole blog? How many girls would actually have the courage to write this, and then publicly post it for everybody (if anybody) to see it? Very few. The one thing you can always count on from is honesty. I don't really care to save people's feelings. When you ask me something, I will give you my honest answer. And other than that, when I vent, I don't hold back. Clearly.
Sweet Dreams, you fellow bloggers! (: <3
--KGosnell, RBahu, HMills, SWilliams, SLaird, JGarcia, EAlexander
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