Backwards

Note to Reader: Before you read this, just know. None of these references are about any one person. They are all just referring to observations that I have made over the past couple of months that keep proving true.


Why is it that things in life are always backwards?
The ones we adore are the ones that ignore us, yet the ones that we ignore are the ones that adore us.
The ones we love couldn't care less, and we couldn't care less about those that love us.
The people with the biggest hearts suffer the most heartaches and get treated the worst, and those who take everything for granted are the ones that get everything handed to them and have the world at the tips of their fingers...?

There are so many amazing people in my life, but when I sit down with them and talk to them, and we start to swap stories about the good things in life, the heartache, the way things have turned out, there's always one consistency. Those who thank God every night for what they're blessed for, and ask Him every morning for the day to be a good one, are the ones that get used, walked over, made fun of, taken advantage of, and mistreated. They are the ones who get the bad guys to treat them well until they get what they want from him/her, and they are the ones left out at the end of the day with nothing left.

Yet when I look around me, those who have so much going for them, good looks (but a rotten personality under it all), more friends than they know what to do with, and take everything for granted, are the ones that get the most. They're the ones who get the good guys to fall for them, they're the ones with the best clothes, and they're the ones who never seem to have a dull moment.

The girls with the biggest hearts and are always willing to put their heart on the line for a guy, are always the ones who land the biggest jerks, who get played all the time, and are the ones that fall hardest for the guys that never treat them right. &They're the ones who, even at the end of a day when nothing has gone the way they wanted, they're still smiling.
Yet those who are rude to everyone and take what they have for granted, are the ones that land the good guys in life, who have a great family, an amazing support system behind them, and have people who would do anything for them, are the ones who always make it seem like they have the worst life. They over dramatize all of the nonsense. They make the smallest things out to be the biggest, the guy who didn't say hi to them is made to be the end of the world, and when someone says something to them in a 'tone' they think it's acceptable to throw a fit.

Why is it, that those who are honestly thankful for what they have, and wouldn't trade anything, no matter how bad things may seem, are the ones that work the hardest for what they have, and still make it out at the end of the day with little?
Why is it that those who take life for granted and think the world should be handed to them on a silver platter, are always the ones who land the best guys in life, have the best family and have everything going for them, always the ones that make it seem to the world as though their life is absolutely terrible?

Those in life who truly need a break, never get it, but go on without complaint. &Those who have all of the time in the world, can waste their whole day, and still complain that they need a break.
Those who bend to the point of breaking are the ones who manage to still be able to hold it all together at the end of the day when the world would understand if they broke down. Those who have nothing to worry about complain about the smallest bit of stress on their plate and claim they are going to lose it if one more thing goes wrong in even the smallest way.

Maybe it's just me, but I think that's wrong. I get it, those who have been to hell and back and are still alive are going to be more thankful for the things they have. Versus those who have had it all their whole lives and don't know any different.

But really? KARMA. At what point in life does all of the good stuff start paying off and all of the bad stuff come around to bite people in the butt?


Just an observation... Maybe you agree, maybe you don't. It doesn't matter. Either way, this is the way I see it.

Artwork Schmartwork

Can I please just share with you both of these absolutely amazing pictures?!

Life Life Life

Let’s see…
Next pay day, I’m going to get my telephoto lens(: For my birthday I’m getting a photoshop/lightroom combo pack! &I’m taking pictures all of the time.
Amazing the things you realize when you’re truly happy. The other day I went to the Memorial Skate Park to take pictures of the guys there, and I was having such a good time, without needing to scream with or to people, no car dancing, no needing to impress others… Just me, my camera, (Nicki of course!) and blank canvas of possibilities in front of my eyes for hours. That, to me, is my complete and utter happy spot. If I could spend the rest of my life with my camera in my hand, a good friend by my side, surrounded my people who are genuinely happy, and the world in front of me just waiting to see what I’ll do with it, my life would be complete. I wouldn’t need anything else. Ever.

Epiphany

I'm more secure and confident in myself when I know that someone hates me.
I hate not knowing if someone is mad at me, or thinking they are but not knowing why.

I like knowing that someone is mad at me. It just eases the mind.

Current Day Society &The Flaws That Go With It

Don't you love it when society goes from confronting someone face to face, all the way down to technologically attacking each other? But then face to face denying to the person it's about, that it's actually about them.

Baby doll, I am calm. Completely calm, cool, and collected. You're no longer in my life, because apparently to you, having a boyfriend justifies ditching all of your friends. Well, I'm not the kind of person to sit back and let you walk all over me just so in the end you can come running back to me. I may not always know what I want, what I deserve, or anything about life, but I do know when someone is using me and just expects things out of me, that I'm not okay with.

You've never seen me truly riled up. So before you go and TELL me to calm down, you might want to check yourself first.
&Before you go and start blaming me for this 'sucking' for you, why don't you take a look around. Do you see me anywhere in your life anymore? No. Your happiness is not my problem. You are responsible for your own happiness and sorrow. If you were truly happy, you'd ignore my nonexistent snide remarks just like you used to. You wouldn't get mad about me being sarcastic, or me not talking to him.
Well excuse me for not giving him a reason to think I hate him, and there is no way in HELL that I will be 'proving' to him anytime soon that I don't hate him. He has no reason to believe that. I've never talked to him in my life. And I won't be 'proving' anything to anybody any time soon. As soon as I start to care that random people think I hate them for absolutely no fucking reason, I'll let you know. Until then, SHUT UP about it. Gosh.

You are just so full of bullshit. You put yourself in these spots in life, not me. Don't blame me for something when I have nothing to do with it. You want to be happy? THEN BE. Ignore me. Let me leave your life without starting stupid drama. People come and go. Apparently I was only there for a season, not a year. So be it. Whatever. I'm over it. I have new friends. I'm good at making them. But if you're going to let something as trivial as a BOY tear us apart, apparently what you thought was a 'great friendship' wasn't so great after all.

&It's not me causing all of this. Have you ever thought that tumblr is for posting pictures. Do you ever just see a picture and you're like, "Dude, this is my life in an icon. How sad is that?!" I do, all of the time. Hense the hundreds of pictures on my tumblr. Just because there's one that's on there that might have the slightest resemblance to you, does NOT mean it's about you.
Just because you're self conscious about something, doesn't mean that the world is out to get you. We were friends. You got a boyfriend. Now we're not. That's all it is. Let it be &just move on.
I don't feel obligated to be your friend when you're just going to treat me like I don't exist when you are with him. Not gonna fly, sweetie. I've moved on, now it's your turn.

Bottom line. If you're not happy, how about you look inward for the problem, instead of just blaming it all on me when I have nothing to do with it. You make or break your own happiness. We haven't talked in weeks. How in the Hell could this be even slightly my fault?! When you figure out how to balance a guy and a 'friend' let me know, then we can reevaluate this situation. Until then, I'll be having fun with friends who enjoy actually hanging out with me.


&Why am I saying this over blogspot instead of to your face, you ask? Because I haven't see you in weeks. "Best Friends" my ass. Stop blaming me for your 'unhappiness.'

&Just for the record, no, that wasn't about you. It was a picture that has applied to me my whole life. Just because it also works for you, doesn't mean it's ABOUT you. It's true for 99% of my life, and you just happen to fall into that percentage. Get over yourself.

The Hypocracy in all of Us.

I want to be the one others trust. I don't know how to trust.

I want people to come to me for help. I hate asking others for help.

 I want to be friends with everyone. I hate it when my friends make other friends.

I like having guy friends. I hate it when the guy I like has girl friends.

I hate it when people are rude to me. I'm sarcastic because it's a sneaky way to tell the truth.

I love it when people vent to me. I HATE venting to people.

I want to be the best friend, the ONLY friend they turn to. I have a million friends, that I never turn to for anything.

I judge others before I know them. I hate being judged prior to people getting to know me.

I'm a hypocrite. I don't want to be, but I am. THE BIGGEST. It's sad, really.

Best Friends

It's a title, not a promise.
&It's a title that no one can seem to hold onto anymore.

I guess I'm just better off on my own. Good thing I don't depend on others for my own happiness, because if I did, I would be fucking suicidal by this point. Ha

Best Friends. It's a ten letter lie.

Figure Yourself Out

Don’t ever tell me that I’m overreacting. Maybe to you, I’m making more of it than necessary. But this is me. I overreact to the small things in life, because to me, the smallest things are the things that end up meaning the most in life.

Don’t ever make me your second choice. Odds are, you’re my first, and I’m not the settling type.

Break the rules, NOT laws. Broken rules make for life changing stories.

Don’t give up on someone just because they screwed up once. No matter how badly they may have done you wrong, everyone has bad days. Even you.

Don’t hate people you don’t know. They could be fighting something that is trying to end their life. Smile and take them for who they are. You don’t like them? That’s fine, but don’t expect those around you to hate them as well.

Find a little beauty in everything around you, even when people say there is none. There always is, but sometimes it’s deeper than the surface.

Apparently ‘friendship’ means something different to me than other my age... Maybe that’s why I don’t keep friends for very long.

I’m better at being on my own, than dealing with the stress and drama of others. I’m good with a carefree life and not having to deal with others’ bullshit.

Be the Bigger Person

Always be the first to apologize, no matter the situation. Any relationship is more important than your ego.
Laugh when you should cry. It shows people how strong you really are, even when they would understand if you broke down right then and there.
Do what makes you happy, no matter what others say. Because in the end, you’re the only one that has to deal with what you did and didn’t do to impress others.
Take too many pictures. Some day they’ll be your only type of time machine left.
Be confident in who you are. Don’t be so narcissistic that it alienates the people around you.
Be friendly, but don’t be a pushover.
Know when to stand up for what you believe in. Know when it’s okay to be quiet.
Don’t judge what you don’t know. Get to know someone before you claim you ‘hate’ them.
Watch what you say to who. One thing that makes one person laugh, could drive another to tears.
Take chances. You’ll be more disappointed in yourself for things you didn’t do than those few that you did.
Be careful, but don’t be afraid to get out of your comfort zone once in a while.
Say what you mean and mean what you say. Always.
Guard you heart. Those that truly want in, won’t stop trying to break through your walls/
Let go of those that hold you back.
Ignore the stupid comments of others. Odds are they’re jealous or don’t know the truth.
Always find the good in people. Even when all you’ve heard is bad.
Never lose faith in who you are and where you’re headed, no matter what anybody else has to say.
Make more friends than enemies.
There will always be people who dislike you. When they do, make sure they have a reason to.
Like people for what you find in their heart, not what you see on the surface.
If you don’t care, don’t pretend that you do.
Don’t wish bad for people. If it’s meant to be, then karma will find them.

Live your life for you. You’re the only one that can change things, you’re the only one that matters. If you can’t live your life for yourself, then why are you living at all?

Note to the Unknown Reader

Don’t try to solve my problems. Just listen.
I don’t want to tell you my problems. Don’t force them out of me.
Don’t blame me for finally telling you what’s really on my mind. Suck it up &take it.
You think I’m mad, I say I’m not. Deal with the answer &move on.
When I tell you what’s on my mind, don’t pity me. Just sit there and pretend to listen.
People say they’re not made to date. I’m not made to date or have friends.
I don’t know what the word ‘trust’ means. &There’s a 99% chance I don’t have it for you.
I don’t want/need a boyfriend. I just want someone who will lay with me for hours &not have to say anything.
I hate most people. You’re no exception.
My highs are higher than yours. But my lows are much lower.
Don’t judge me before you know me. You WILL be wrong.
I’m sarcastic, I don’t lie.
I’m not mean, I’m just more honest than most people.
I love laughing. You won’t be able to tell the difference between the fake one &the real thing..
I want a relationship, but I DON’T KNOW HOW to be in a relationship.
I want a true friendship, but I DON’T KNOW HOW to be at true friend.
Things piss me off. All the time. &I won’t ever let you hear the end of it.
Don’t blame me for one thing, when that’s not the reasoning behind it.
“Put on your big girl panties, and get over it.” Yes, PLEASE.
I want forever. I know forever is a lie.
I’m a mess of emotions. Can’t handle it? Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
I want you to fight for me. Show me that you want me in your life. Even when I do everything I can to push you away.
I like having guy friends more than girl friends. I hate making new friends.
I say what I mean &I mean what I say. I don't say it for reassurance from you or so that you'll contradict me. I say it because I MEAN IT.
“Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to thin the sun shines out of your ass.”
Don’t try to make me do things. Ask me nicely.
Don’t expect me to dress up for you. I’ll do it if I want to.
I hate staying at home. I’m a homebody.
I won’t tell you how I feel about you. I expect you to tell me exactly how you feel about me.
Don’t judge me based on what you see once, what someone who hates me has to say about me, what you overhear me saying to someone, or what I wear once in my life. I can’t be summed up, not can I be taken seriously for once. I’m a walking joke, a world class hypocrite, and an overly honest person. Can’t take it, no ones stopping you from leaving &you wouldn’t be the first person to do it. I’m screwed up. For many reason. Reasons that you’ll probably never know. No one sticks around long enough to find out. I laugh too loud, I’m too emotional, I’m strong when I should be weak and I cry when I should be sucking it up. I attack when I’m hiding what I’m really feeling, and I take all of the crap when I don’t want to fight. I have no fucking idea what I want out of life, who I am, or anything else of any importance. I’m a mess. That’s the bottom line. I hate my life &odds are I hate you. Goodbye and goodnight.

Get Mad For Once in Your Pathetic Life.

Do you ever just want to be able to get angry? Say what’s really on your mind &not have to think twice about eh repercussions of it all? Do you ever just want to be able to get into an argument and get heated about how you really feel, and have the other person have the balls to yell back at you? Do you ever just want to be able to say exactly how you feel, the moment you feel it?

Yell at the top of your lungs. Scream at someone. Not have to hold back the tears until you’re alone. Tell them what you mean, and mean what you’re saying.

Do you ever just want to be 100% honest with the people around you, and not have to worry about whether or not they’ll still be your friend afterwards?
I do. All the time.

Just once, I wish I could be so riled up and not think twice about saying what I feel. Just one, being able to scream in their face and know that they won’t get offended, or even if they do, they’ll come back with something besides the usual comment that makes you seem like you’re the bad guy for actually feeling something?

Do you ever wish that you didn’t feel inferior to those around you? Like for once, you would have a story that they would all be WANTING to hear, instead of always being the one on the sidelines listening to the stories being told?

Do you ever wish you didn’t have to cry yourself to sleep, because your pillow is the only person/thing that really knows how you’re always feeling? The one thing you never feel obligated to hide anything from. You hug it when you’re happy, you smile and laugh, it’s your shoulder to cry on when life seems to be crumbling down.

Do you ever just wish, you could run away from everything? Just pack up and leave whenever you feel like it? Just be able to get away from reality & maybe even get a new one? Do you ever find yourself wishing you knew different people, and not the ones you currently know?

Do you ever wish that things were… different? Honest? REAL?

Walking Flaw

I take things for what they aren’t.
I over exaggerate everything.
I over analyze basically every situation.
I read too much into things.
I find flaws in everything around me before I find the beauty.
I laugh too loud.
I’m too sarcastic.
I come across as rude to people I don’t know.
I find reasons to hate people because my friends hate them.
I judge people before I know them.
I’m a world class hypocrite.
I judge others for the same flaws that I have.
I don’t know what I want out of life.
I want change but at the same time the thought of it terrifies me.
I have gotten so used to covering up what I really feel, I don’t know how to feel what I feel.
I want people to trust me, even if I don’t trust them.
I retract myself from those around me when the smallest things don’t go the way I want them to.
I hate it when my friends get boyfriends.
All I want at this point is to get out of this town and meet new people.
I suck at staying in touch with people.
I twist things around to they are in my favor.
I hate my job, but I’m too lazy to look for another one.
I don’t like a lot of girls.
I have been told that I come across as abrasive.
I hate the fact that the previous statement has happened more than once.
I know the kind of person that I want to be, I just don’t know HOW.
I don’t see flaws in anyone but myself.
I have low self esteem, but talking to me, most wouldn’t think so.
I’m always afraid of being judged for the things I do, say or how I look.
I suck at being a good friend.
I don’t know how to have friends, keep friends, or be a friend.
I’m a homebody and like spending time alone.
I find it easier to keep a smile on my face than to explain what’s really wrong.
I don’t know how to show my real emotions anymore.
I’ve spent my whole life being strong for those around me, I don’t really know anymore how to be weak.
I believe in love, but I often doubt love believes in me.
I’ve lost the brutally honest person that I used to be. I miss being that person.
I’ve tried so hard to mold myself to the people around me, I’ve lost myself in the process.
Music always manages to say the things I can’t.
I’ve learned to live vicariously through those around me.
I can’t wait to move out and get my own place just so that I can decorate it the way I want to and not have to worry about others having a choice in it.
I want to be hugged and have it last more than 2 seconds.
I am the most insecure and clueless person you will meet.
I don’t want a ‘prince charming.’ I just want someone who will love me at my best and my worst.
I hate being around people that are overly negative.
I want people to look at me and think, ‘wow, she’s really genuine and always finds the good in people, and her heart is pure.’
I want people to want to know me for that reason, and that reason only.
I wish I had a much larger vocabulary than I currently do.
I’ve been hurt and let down by so many, I don’t know how to trust anyone.
I’m really good at faking the things I know others want to see or believe.

In the last 18 years of my life, I’ve found myself and lost myself too many times to count. I’ve had friends, and I’ve had people who have stabbed my in the back. I’ve been let down by those closest to me. I’ve betrayed people myself because of my doubts. I’ve learned too well to hid what I really feel, and to keep to myself what I really think. I’ve learned how to compose myself in public; in the process, I’ve lost ME. I don’t know who I am, where I’m going, or who will be with me through it all.
I myself, am the worlds biggest flaw, a walking train-wreck.
And because that’s all I see, I believe that’s all others see.