I just want to live with a group of friends in a loft in the South of France.

Realization:

In less than two weeks I will be on my way to SoCal. <3

In all honesty, though,

I don't care if you're a fan or not, you have to admire the fact that he is one of the few stars anymore that can do an acoustic performance and sound the same live as he does on a track. I, personally, am not a huge fan, but he gained some major points in my book for this performance. Just take a listen and decide for yourself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5xLoSLsde8

They sacrifice the rights that we all take for granted, shouldn't someone be willing to sacrifice their life for them?

But in the end, people shouldn't be saying these things, feeling these feelings, claiming these claims, just because of what happened today. People should be saying these things, feeling these feelings, claiming these claims EVERY DAY. Don't let death be the reason behind why love should happen across the world. Shouldn't it be happening regardless of what goes on?

Today,

Was a really good day.(:

That moment when, after a semester of not doing homework, you suddenly feel guilty about not ever doing your homework on time, so you really want to be productive and do your homework.
And that even worse moment when you realize the only homework you really have still to do requires sunlight, and it's the dead of night.

So I'm officially trying this new thing where I actually fight myself to make something last, instead of always giving into myself because giving up is so much easier than actually trying.
Wish me luck.

:/

Ahhh, shoot, I just scored myself a hot date for... Uh, well, I don't actually know when...

I know what I want for Christmas.
The only thing that I would absolutely love to unwrap in 16 Days:

A complete compilation of poetry by Sylvia Plath.

Dude,

I'm about to go buy like 50 scrabble games just for the sake of having that many wooden letters at my constant disposal.

Forget passive aggressive, I'm about to get wooden aggressive. TAKE THAT, WORLD!

My gosh, he's a charmer.

































































































Not.
-__-

When will it finally be my chance? I'm sick and tired of waiting.

I feel like the harder I try to stay in touch with people, the more it's starting to bite me in the butt.
Since when is doing everything to keep your friendships in tact a bad thing? Because I definitely missed that memo...
:(
the harder I try, the more I seem to lose.

"When you cuddle you must always be the spoon because you're so tall."

Screw you, sir. just because I'm taller than you, does NOT mean there are no guys taller than me. Gah, just go away. -__-

Deja Vu

I just want to fall hopelessly and irrevocably in love;
Is that really so much to ask for?

Story of My Life. ((But Not Really))

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKNcuTWzTVw

&Yet, people still think I have ulterior motives.
Believe it or not, people,
I am a twenty year old girl, with guy friends too. And no, I don't plan to hook up with you when it's just the two of us hanging out. Whether you want to believe it or not, what you see with me is exactly what you get. I just want to hang out with you to either get a break from everyone else, or because I actually just want to hang out with you.
I know, crazy concept, but get used to it. I am able to have platonic friendships with you guys, PLATONIC relationships. Can we please move on now?!
My gosh. Grow up, seriously.

And another thing, why in the hell are there certain things people feel they can only say via technology.? I mean come on, we were just together, yet as soon as you walk through the door, you're texting me saying something because you were too afraid to say it to my face? AWESOME. If you can't say it to my face, then why the hell are you even bringing it up?



"Think you're funny, Think you're smart, Think you're gonna break my heart. Think you're funny, Think you're smart, Yeah you may be good looking but you're not a piece of art."
Thanks, Marina, for always having the words. (:

And as they look out over the city,
She whispers, "I love it up here; it's the best view in the world."
He looks at her and says, "It most certainly is."

And they live happily ever after, blah blah blah.

Forever Alone

I think too much,
Feel too little.

I fall to fast,
And hate to easy.

I realize too late,
To feel even later.

I hate myself,
And you really should too.

I would understand,
I really would.

I take it back, I take it all back.
It was a terrible idea to wish for just myself in my head.
Turns out that me alone is worse than someone else being stuck in my head.

Somebody come save me from myself. PLEASE!

My mom asks, "Are these late nights at target starting to get to you?"
(( In reference to why I'm so tired to day ))
My vocal response, "...maybe a little."
My response to myself, "or maybe it's those long chats on Skype that you don't want to end and you don't end up going to bed until nearly 4am, and then have to wake up four hours later..."

Maybe, just maybe, it's the latter as to why I'm so damn tired. But in the end, so worth it. (:

Confession: before I die I want to kiss someone with a lip ring.

Lately I've been really good at getting to the point in a very round about way...

Hmmm, this better not turn into a habit!

I'm an open book; if you don't take the time to read, you'll never know.

Hypothetical situations,
Ponies that Derp,
Similarities with an old manager and a current one,
If Target had a sleepover,
The possibility of being serenaded,
and so much more.

Yep, that basically sums up my night thus far.
<3 (:


Guh'night, all you bloggers!
Sweet dreams!

I'm really good at answering a question without an actual answer, I'm good at saying things without saying anything at all.
I'm a master of beating around the bush when I don't know what to say.

As she babbles on and on about things nobody really cares about, do you think she notices that half of the class is on their computers, while the other half of the class is near sleep?
Probably not. Old people don't notice those little things.
But hey, it's true.

I mean, I'm just proving my point. As she babbles on about God knows what, I'm updating a random internet page that someone may or may not eventually ever actually read...
But this is what I do in my spare time. Write. Check every random site and I either subscribed to, a member of, or I just like visiting.

Oooo, let's go online shopping!
BYE!!!!

:D

School work:

Late Assignment, all caught up

Assignments due tomorrow, still have to do

Assignment due Friday, Manitou later! 

:D 

I feel like I might actually pass this semester. haha, that's a weird feeling. 

And I won't be passing because a teacher feels sorry for me, I'll be passing because I actually did the work! Wow, it's been a while. 

SUCCESS!

I officially have two jobs.


CHA CHING!

Mehhh,

Looks like it's time for just another day in the life of me.
And then tonight, homework,
Tomorrow, homework,
Tomorrow night, MOVIE!
And then, probably, more homework....


-________-

I hate school. I hate people.
Can't I just sleep my life away? That's easy and FREE!

&Yet, I still can't stand people. Crazy how some things never change.


I need to move. Sincerely. I need a new group of friends. I need a separate group of friends, I need multiple groups of friends.
I need a new job. I need a new city.
I need new scenery.


I just need NEW.
And at this point, I'm willing to do just about anything to get there, even if it means pissing a few people off.

It's so sad when your friends remember your birthday... And you don't...

#awkwarddd

The future, the options... I find it all to be extremely terrifying. What to do, what to do, when your future is right in front of you.

Today was an epic day. Like, epic beyond epic. So, really good.(:

Ahaha, the irony in my life.

I seem to be the most sincere towards the one person everyone else seems to be hating on at this point in time...

Catch 22

If you think this is about you, it has nothing to do with you. And if you don't think it has anything to do with you, it's all about you.

The sexiest thing about a guy, or about anyone really? The use of proper grammar, full sentences, complete thoughts, and the correct uses (and forms) of words.

The harder you try, the less I want to do with you.

Facetious, Extremely

He held my hand!
Guys, he actually held my hand!
OH.
EM.
GEE.
He showed me different ways to hold hands, what they all meant.































And then he let go and ran away.















Bahahahahaha, Anthony. What a tool.

In other news: shut up.

Goodnight, you weirdos.

&The longer I stay, the farther I want to go.

Guys, I need a new job. I just don't even know where to start looking. Help?

But at the end of the day, I don't know if you're really there for me, or if you're just still there because I want you to be.

So much changes in so little time. It makes me sick.

I look every kind of sick right now.
In other words, SEXAY!

Oh, dear body, I am sincerely sorry. If it were truly up to me, you could sleep this whole thing away. But school says I'll fail if I don't show up; Work says I'll get fired if I don't show up. But trust me, if it were up to me, you would have slept every day for the past week, just so you could get better.
Eyes, I'm really sorry to you, too. And head, I know you're pounding, but can you please just hang in there a little longer? As soon as class is done, sleep is all yours. That much, I can promise you. So PLEASE just hang in there a little longer. PLEASE.

Given recent happening, you've voluntarily given up that right. 

Well done. Just, well done. 

But due to your choices, you now have to live with the consequences. 

I just hope that's something you're ready for. 

Because if not, well, you're straight up SOL.

Note to self:
Figure out why you have commitment issues
Fix said issues
Live Happily Ever After.

Those days when I don't like you?
Those are the days when you remind me of him most.

Last night was magical beyond magical.
If I could tell you about it I could write you a novel.
There were so many amazing things that happened,
Things that I hope my memory will never erase,
Things I hope my heart will always hold near and dear.

No matter what happens,
Nights like last night,
The magic and amazement that was last night,
Needs to happen much more often than just once a year,
And more often than only at LIGHTS concerts.

Last night was magical,
And no matter what happens, Ever,
Last Night will always be a Night to Remember.
<3

Goodnight, world.
Goodnight, friends.
Goodnight, future husband.
Goodnight all that I love and will love.

Goodbye, October.
Hello, November. I just wish you had waited a little longer. I'm not quite ready for you yet.

I almost do.

I bet you think I either moved on or hate you / 'Cause each time you reach out there's no reply / I bet it never, ever occurred to you that I can't say hello to you / And risk another goodbye.

--Taylor Swift

Looks like all of my wishing and crazy dances worked out for the best!
Snow dances, that is.
(:
Because, well, take a look out your window. It's white.
And still snowing. (:

Earth, Wind, Fire, Water

As the evening grows darker and colder, the technology slowly turns itself off.
I lay in bed, watching the flicker of my bedside flame bounce around the walls of my room, an experience so completely mesmerizing and calming. Just before sleep takes over my entire being, I blow out the gentle flame, and watch as my eyes adjust to the darkness.
As I turn over between my sheets, I notice the moonlight pouring into my window and flooding the top of my quilt, just as my overactive imagination decides to employ possible scenarios and run every thought from the day back through my mind.
As much as most despise those thoughts that their minds can't seem to get enough of at night just as they're trying to let the sweet sound of nothingness congest their heads, it's those thoughts exactly that gently lull me to sleep.
Knowing that I will sleep safely tonight, with the gentle moonlight wrapping me in its embrace; my multiple layers of blankets keeping me safe from the monsters in the closet and under the bed.
You say you're scared of the dark, I say the night is the best time of the day.
Only when the moon is highest in the sky do things take on the purest form of reality. Not only are words more pure, but thoughts have the freedom to roam at their own pace, dreams to push themselves even closer to the stars.
Only when the sun is on the other side of the earth, do we finally realize what is important to us most, do we realize we're safe and loved, do we realize, everything is magical, even when in the simplest form.
After all, the most magical thing at night is nodding off to sleep while watching the flame flicker back and forth to the slight winds seeping in through my cracked window, letting in just enough of the brisk Autumn air to be pleasant, finally giving my overactive imagination the chance to run away with itself.

Finally allowing my thoughts to overtake my mind, letting the possibilities of life resonate.

I really need the first snow to come already.
I need the snow so I have a reason to spend an entire day sitting on my couch, sitting hot tea, watching as the angles have the most glorious pillow fight of the year.
I need the first snow because then I will have to get my glasses.
I need the first snow so I can finally turn on Christmas Music, pull out a new book, and bury my nose in it all day long.
I need the first snow so I can finally lose myself to the fantasies of some of the greatest authors in history.
I do need some new books, as well.

These are many reasons why I sincerely need it to snow. And I do mean pronto.

RED by Taylor Swift is okay, at best. Sadly though, I will probably still buy it, because there are still a few songs that have decent lyrics. She has turned into a sellout, and that's putting it nicely.
Her best album by far was her debut album, followed by Speak Now. But the latest one?

In my opinion, she's gone downhill since her last album.
I think she need to go back to her country roots, and look into employing a little less of the autotune.

&Tonight even words aren't enough.

Everyone has different battles, and people fight different ones.
You've got to pick your own battles.
If it's worth fighting for, never give up the fight,
If it's worth the risk, honey, risk it all.

Eight days ago.
Oh how things can change in such little time....

Let me get this right...

You have me blocked on Facebook, made your Instagram private, but follow me on Tumblr...?
Really? Yeah, you're cool. &To imagine, we used to be best friends.

So you're telling me that I don't have a boyfriend because I have standards? What in the world has society today come to?!

People always think to themselves that they aren't good enough for anyone around them. Like whenever anything out of the norm happens, it just reinforces in their mind, why they aren't and never will be, good enough for anyone around them, anyone important to them, or anyone in their lives that they love.
But have they ever thought that instead of never being good enough for anyone else, maybe they just aren't good enough for themselves?
Just food for thought.

Adam Young

"Throw a lamp on this load of ice. Okay, suddenly it’s all become crystal clear and there’s no other way of saying that the 10MG we suggest is actually worth the billions of diamond shards in your eyes because they make you see things that aren’t there; but the more you look, the more you realize they ARE there. Dust in the eyes. Very skinny people in the pantry, climbing the shelves, hand over hand in a dangling daisy chain that reaches down to the tile I’ve always done a bad job keeping clean. But that isn’t even right, so we forget about those and we just stare at each other with big cow eyes and wonder what’s gonna happen next. So we drove and drove and wound up in Florence and there was clam chowder somewhere on the way back. She was so pretty. I was dizzy but somehow it was like the first time I really paid attention to anything. Later my hand slipped into hers and I still don’t know how that happened but I guess she liked it and it made me feel real — because even ghosts tire of living like ghosts sometimes, I’ll be honest with you…… Those eyes and the way she looks at you with them…. makes you wanna do things you don’t know how to do, like prick a hole in the milky way galaxy and thread a needle and pull it down like a big milky parachute for her to twirl under and collapse into. And then suddenly our faces are closer than I thought they probably should’ve been given the scenario and who’s mother might be around. And then I remembered there are no mothers in the industrial part of town when two kids are twirling with a parachute in a parking lot. For some reason my hand found hers and I don’t know how that happened, it was just so natural yet abrupt, I felt like I should say sorry or at least get down on one knee and apologize like a gentleman. Suddenly there wasn’t one growl, there were two of them and they were on opposite sides of the park and we didn’t know what to do. But we walked slowly and made it to the car and our throats were okay. The rest was blurry, beautifully so. This was a glass ring around the perimeter of a venue ceiling that caught the light and made me wanna climb things. And then I thought about islands and The Endurance and the journey I’ve got planned which is almost like a book with the last 10 pages ripped out. I like that though because it keeps me guessing; I don’t wanna know the end.

But the insects under the counter try to bite me with their long quills and sharp brittle black legs cut like razors and that keeps me distracted."

--Adam Young

&As she looked at her reflection in the mirror, the only thought that crossed her mind was, "I want so much more for my life than just this.

The easiest way to my heart?

Just walk with me. 

We don't need words. 

Just take me on a walk, hold my hand, and let me listen to the sound of the leaves crunching beneath our feet.

Just go for a walk, and just be with me. 

Words just complicate things.

I'm lost, in myself.
I'm lost, in this maze they all call life.

I'm lost, and I don't know which way to go in order to un-lose myself.

Do you ever just want to get in your car and drive away?
Not necessarily in order to get from point A to point B,
But just to see where you end up.

Just to see where it is that your heart takes you?
But have you ever gotten in the car, had the key nearly into the ignition and stopped?
Have you ever wondered what that was that was stopping you?
Fear?
Denial?
Anticipation?
The idea that it's too... something?

All the damn time. That's me, all the damn time.
I get into my car and want to just drive, but what is it that actually stops me?
Reality.
Reality hits me, and I get scared.
What will happen if I venture down this road?
Will it take me somewhere I need to be?
Or will something bad happen and make me regret ever getting into the car that late at night?

Like, instead of driving the same drive you drive every day... Instead of always going right, go left and see where it takes you.
In my case, go East, and don't stop. Drive past the towns that are right next to me, and just go.
Don't stop, don't look back. Just do it.
Instead of going through the nothingness that is Falcon, go through Black Forest, on roads that I haven't been down since I was in grade school. Just to see something new, to venture down a road you have yet to try.

I dream about it, day in and day out.
I dream about getting away from here.
Away from this town, away from the people, away from my job.
Just a fresh start somewhere no one knows me.

Somewhere up in the mountains where I can live with the bare minimum, not worrying about being further tainted by the hand of modern day technology.
Get back into hand written letters, memorizing people phone numbers, going to people's houses, dropping by and staying for a spell.
The way that I was raised, I want to get back to that, so bad.
I never thought I would want to live the same way I was raised,
But the further I get from that upbringing, the more I long for the simplicity.

The simplicity of knowing that everyone is friends with everyone. But even if you don't like someone, you can still be civil with them. The idea of actually enjoying the company people can be. The idea of knowing the home phone number of all of your best friends, but always being able to just walk five minutes down the road, knock on the door, and lose track of time just doing things outside.
I'm so sick of everything that is today.
I'm tired of the fact that if you lose your phone, you don't know what to do with yourself.
If you can't update your facebook, twitter, or tumblr everyday, you feel so far out of the loop.
I miss playing outside until dark, and having to call my dad to come pick me up because,even though out neighborhood was beyond safe, the idea of a girl walking alone at night was nearly a crime.
I miss having my horses to just saddle up and right whenever I wanted to. I miss having litters of puppies around me.
I mean, after all, who in this world is a better listener than the pet you grew up with?
Absolutely nobody.

I miss the simplicity of my childhood. It's just that easy. I miss knowing that your group of friends were just that, FRIENDS. Anymore, as soon as you don't agree about something, you're free to move on. Why do so few people feel the need to actually talk about something, and work something out, when disagreeing on a given topic? What ever happened to the beloved for of communication, talking?
Like, actually, sitting down with someone and being able to just talk for hours...?

Honestly, what has this world come to?
They say that you should be the change you wish to see in the world.
But that's really hard to do when this world is full of copycats who won't believe something were it to be permanently tattooed on their forehead.


Seriously, though. I'm still a teenager, but I feel like my life is just pitiful. I mean, were I to die tomorrow, what would I have to show for it? Some funny moments and a few decent memories? That's not good enough anymore. I feel like everyone is meant for so much more, but constantly chasing that little bit of 'better' is so exhausting. If life were a distance race, I would be in last place, that's for darn sure.

I just want my life, to fee again, like it's mine. I'm sick of feeling like I'm living in a dream, because to be honest, at this point, even my dreams, as few and far between as they really are, are much more desirable than being awake.
I'm ready for the tables to flip in my direction and remind me what it was that I've been working for all this time, because anymore, I just don't remember.
And if I can't remember what I wanted when I was five, then really, what's the point.
After all, everything was so pure when you were five;
Everything was possible,
And no dream was out of reach.
The world was literally at the tip of our fingers,
And all I remember wanting,
Was to grow up faster.


Now? I would kill to have those days back. I would do anything, just to have that simplicity and carefree ideal of life back. Anymore, things are just too complicated. And really, how much of it is actually worth it at the end of the day?

Pretty Please

Someone save me, please.
I'm drowning, and the harder I swim, the faster I get pulled under.
Someone steal me away from myself, if only for a moment.
Show me a life full of thrill and enjoyment.
Someone save me, please.

Dear God

I feel like I'm stuck in my life.
I know you have a plan for me,
but I have a hard time believing that what I am currently doing
is what I was made to do.

I know I have a bigger reason for being,
I just need your help.
I'm begging and pleading,
What is it?

I feel stuck, and I'm on my knees begging you for answers.
I know they say that some of Your greatest gifts are unanswered prayers,
but I need something.

Please.

I feel stuck, and I need your help getting unstuck.
Please, just show me the way,
because I know that
You are the only way.

Please, just show me something.
Please help.

Crying sucks.

It's a very widely known fact that anyone in the world can be linked to any other given person by the seven degrees of separation, in my opinion, seven or less.
And I guess that ideal hasn't really hit me until today.
I was browsing through my friends on facebook and came over one of the people I went to middle school and high school with. As I'm casually facebook stalking him, I notice his family list, and on it is a guy who looks awfully familiar.
So, what do I do? Click on his profile, of course. Low and behold, he's the cute guy that sits across from me in English.
Okay, I can deal with that.
So, more facebook stalking happens.
And as I'm looking through his pictures, I see a name that looks insanely familiar.
Vanbebber. Now where in the world have I heard that last name before?
Oh yeah, the Laird household. Huh, that's a little eery. But anyway, moving onto the next picture.
Who is in the next picture?
None other than Tanner.
Sierra's-used-to-be-Tanner
SMALL WORLD.

So how do the seven degrees (or less) of separation come into play?
I went to school with Peter Jordahl,
Peter's brother is Dan Jordahl,
Dan Jordahl is friends with Tanner,
Tanner used to date Sierra,
Sierra is my best friend

WHAT A SMALL WORLD it really turned out to be.
I just can't get over it. UNCANNY! Like, seriously?!



Jordyn Vanbebber, Dan Jordahl, Tanner, Sierra.

Do you ever just wake up feeling like a horrible person?

It's almost midnight and sleep is nowhere near.
Thoughts are racing, threatening to never slow down.
So many possibilities, but which is the right path?
Things that have been, things that are, and things that could be.
Do I say yes, do I deny?
Which is the right path?

Ask, beg, pray for you life.
I ask for the answers I can't muster;
No response in the foreseeable future.
Right or left? Up or down?
Which is the right path?

Him or no one?
School or travel?
Learn or experience?
There are pros and cons to each,
but at the end of my life,
which would have been the right path to have gone down?

Thoughts, possibilities,
Dreams and aspirations;
They're all present, but none bolded, italicized or underlined.
None standing out from the crown, so
which is the right path?

Voices screaming and songs blaring
There are words everywhere,
but they're jumbled and make no sense.
I beg and pray for them to stop.
And they do.

Nothing but silence.
But the silence is deafening, like an explosion in my head
that renders me unable to hear.
No voices, no whispers, no racing thoughts.
Suddenly, the chaos is highly desirable.

So as I sit down to put words to the chaos,
the voices come back,
racing and twirling, and screaming louder than ever.
But which is the right voice to listen to?

There are so many options, but with just me in my head
none seem to be choosable,
for they are all flawed greatly, and one desires perfection.

I guess I will lay my head to rest once more,
and just pray for an answer,
"God, which is the path to take?
"Am I Right or am I Wrong?
"Can't I get an answer, because I'm lost and begging for any assistance.
"Where are you?"
And last but not least,
Which is the right path to take?

Are any of them worth venturing down even in the slightest?
Or am I looking in the complete wrong direction?
God, Which path is the one for me?

Do you ever just want to run away?
From work?
From the stress?
From every sense of reality?
From your life?


Welcome to my life.
This year was supposed to be the best year of my life.
It has yet to even be one worth remembering.

People always tell you that money doesn't buy happiness. But if you don't have enough money to provide you the things and opportunities that make you happy, then isn't it all just a huge lie?

Gosh, sometimes I just wish I were smart, and skinny, and funny, and pretty, and in control.
Instead I will simply wallow in self pity and hate myself and just wish I were better.

Music has the power to change the world.

11 September 2001

Eleven years ago today, many lives were lost. Don’t let those lives ever be forgotten, don’t think those lives were lost for nothing. And more importantly, if you see a man or woman in uniform today, be sure to go out of your way to thank them for everything they do to serve this country.

“Home of the free, because of the brave.” 

We were alive through a piece of history; it’s our job to make sure that history is never forgotten.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvj6zdWLUuk

Changes

After reading through blog posts that I published over a year ago, I've really started to realize just how much has changed. The people who used to be my best friends are no longer in my life. People that I didn't even know last year are now some of the most important people in my life.
I feel like I used to be such a deep person, my writing used to reflect things I couldn't bring myself to find the words for. What happened? What changed?

Did life happen? Did something occur to make me feel like something trivial was more important than the time to myself every day when I would sit down and just write?
What ever happened to me wanting to be a writer? What ever happened to me being able to find something amazing in every day to sit down and want to share with my blog?
People might not have even read it, but just being able to sit down and find words to put parallel to the emotions, what happened to that?

I miss setting aside that time every day, literally, and being able to analyze my day; Tell myself the good things that happened, along with learning to accept the bad. I just miss my time that I had for me.
But the worst part? It's completely my fault. Reading through blog posts from over a year ago, I was so ambitious, I wanted so much out of life, the next five years; I wanted to accomplish so much, I had goals set... What happened? At what point did my dreams take a back burner to work, and just the trivial day-to-day stuff that stresses me out anyways?

I feel like I used to have so much time to sit down and get my feelings in order and I would have time to spill them onto the keyboard, only stopping when my fingers were sore from hitting so many buttons. What happened in my life, that has caused so much to change?

And more importantly, what do I have to change in order to get that time back?

The weight of the world

Isn't it amazing, what just getting your thoughts out does for a person? Even if you're not actually voicing those words to someone who can hear them, just putting them somewhere that's not your mind can do great things for someone.

Writing letters does just that for me. It allows me to release what I'm feeling inside and forced me to take the time to put words together, to form complete thoughts that actually make sense. Writing allows me to put words to my feelings, and it always amazes me just how much better I feel once I get done writing.
It forced me to slow my mind, to actually take the time to figure out just what it is that I feel about something or someone.
In talking to someone, noises, sighs, smiles, and grunts can be enough to get the emotion across, but when you're just talking to a non responsive piece of paper? Those things won't get you anywhere.

But now for the hard part. I've managed to put my feelings out on the paper, now I just have to get that little piece of paper into the hands of the recipient, and hope for the best.
The easy part is done, now it's just for the sucking it up part, which is always the hardest for me, especially when it comes to my ego.

Welp, here goes nothing. Wish me luck. Seriously.

He's everything that my better judgement tells me not to fall for, yet here I am, losing my balance on the edge of a cliff. &Who decides to finally shut up? My better judgement.

Dare I hope that it might actually be a good thing, despite the warnings of friends.?
Only time will tell. All I know is that there has only been one other guy who has ever made me feel like this.
I don't get nervous around people. But he makes me nervous. The thought, is absolutely terrifying. But it's the thrill of it all the I love. At least I think that's it. Again, only time will tell. &I it's meant to be, it will be.

The First Time, In A Long Time

Standing in the middle of my living room, I'm listening to my mom talking. I can hear my brother rev his motorcycle engine in the garage. A turn on the ball of my foot and walk out to see him, and before I know it, he and I are conversing. The whole thing is such an out of body experience. I go back into my living room and stand at the back door, just listening.
Listening to the music playing upstairs in my room, by brother working in the garage, my mom talking and laughing, and the birds chirping, noticing the simple way the tree limbs sway slightly in the soft summer breeze.
Meanwhile, I'm just standing there, with a cup of tea in my hands, listening. Observing. Enjoying. Peaceful.
Going back over the memories of the past few days that have made me laugh so hard they've brought me to tears. The experiences I've gone through lately, and just life in general.
For the First time in a long time, I can truly tell you that I'm happy. Nobody is fighting or bickering. No one is holding grudges. No one is dying to get out of the house and away from each other. Things are just how they're supposed to be. For me. For once. I don't feel like my life is flashing it's way by.
I may be out of my body and mind, but for once, I feel like I'm more me than I have been in years.
The family is together. We're all safe and healthy. We're not breathing down each others necks.
For the first time, we're all individuals, but all completely in harmony, in unison, and completely together.
I look around and think to myself, "My life, as far from perfect as it is, in this moment, is my definition of perfection."

This is why I have very few female friends

I just don't get it. something. Wry personal happens when I'm hanging out with friends and causes me to need to go home. I leave crying and don't say bye to anybody for fear of completely losing it. &Because I don't say bye, someone thinks I'm mad at her? &then chooses to pick a fight? Over absolutely nothing? OVER TWITTER?!
Haha I mean, come on, get over yourself, before you think it's all about you. Ever cross your mind that unjust didn't wanna talk about it? You may vent about everything right then and there, but you know that's not me. You've known me since 6th grade, is this really a surprise to you? I just don't understand why you're trying to start something over nothing. That has nothing to do with anything. &you're freaking out about something I posted online... Something that has absolutely nothing to do with you, or anyone you know...
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THE FEMALE MIND!!!!
:'(
Meh, someone, please explain it to me.

The problem with working out

For me at least, there are several...

For starters, who really wakes up every day thinking, 'today, is going to be a spectacular day for working out!'? Not me, that's for sure. But don't get me wrong, I do enjoy working out, quite definitely. But let me run through my thought process.

Eh, I don't want to work out today, but I know I should.
I really don't want to work out today.
Meh, maybe I'll work out later.
I'm so bored. But I really don't want to work out.
:: hours later ::
Well, I still have nothing else to do, so I might as well workout. It's better than just sitting here.

Before any workout, I hate the idea of actually putting on my gym clothes and going to work out. But during my workout, I push myself as hard as I can for as long as I can. But the problem is, is that usually once I'm done, I never feel as though it was enough. 10 minutes after I'm done working out and have showered, the only thought on my mind is going back downstairs to workout even more until I'm happy with the results. My problem? I have a hard time grasping the idea that results don't just happen overnight.
I hate getting myself to work out. While I'm running and jogging, and everything else, I have a hard time getting myself to stop, and once I'm done, I'm hardly ever happy with what I did. Most of the time I wish I had done more.
I hate working out, but I do, then when I'm done, I'm convinced it's just not enough. If only I had done a little more.
Tonight I ran/jogged two miles and did 100 squats in the matter of approximately half an hour, among other floor exercises, and tonight is the first night in months that I actually feel pleased with what I did in a matter of one workout.  But looking down at my legs in the soft glow of the computer screen, they do look better than they did even a month ago, so I am slightly pleased about that. The one thing I strive for in a workout that I rarely get, but I do have tonight? The post-workout pains. (: The feeling of stretched muscles that will repair themselves overnight(: That is the one feeling that I strive for in a workout, but I hardly ever get anymore. But tonight, I got just that, so I will go to sleep one happy camper. :D

My gosh, my head is one major contradiction.

What gives you the right?

People who have the nerve to sit in front of a computer screen and type things like, ‘You need to kill yourself,’ ‘why are you still alive, you’re worthless,’ and ‘have you ever tried killing yourself, because you really should’ absolutely disgust me. Just because you’re on the other side of the computer and don’t see the immediate repercussions of those words doesn’t mean that they don’t hurt someone. Just the thought of someone even thinking about sending those kinds of thoughts to someone makes me want to vomit. But those of you who actually think it’s okay to voice those thoughts out loud? So you may have the freedom of speech, but what gives you the right to think it okay to cause someone to want to take away their freedom of life. Every life is special, whether you think so or not. And the fact that you then think it is okay to send ANYONE at all hate mail, texts, threats, is beyond revolting. What makes you think you’re any better than anyone else? What makes you think you have the right to cause someone to push themselves over the edge. You never know the battles that someone is fighting.
Just because you don’t like someone, give you absolutely NO RIGHT to tell someone that they aren’t worth the life they have been blessed with. Someone out there loves them, just as someone out there loves you.
&Just because you might not think that those words truly impact someone’s life, does not, in any way, shape, or form, give you the right to tell them to end their life. And the fact that you have even thought this about someone, is absolutely revolting.
So the next time you feel it’s okay to sit behind an anonymous, grey face on tumblr, telling someone that they’re not good enough, why don’t you just pray for them? Pray that whatever it is that you don’t like about them, gets improved. Pray that they get better. Pray for them to improve their life, not that they end it.
Everyone should watch the movie ‘CYBERBULLY’ with Emily Osment and Kay Panabaker. It jsut might hit you the kind of effect that your words can have on someone. And it just might cause a change in you. But next time anyone goes to send hate mail to anyone, just think that you could be the one person to finally push them over the edge. Do you want to be the one that basically took someone’s life? Do you want to live the rest of your life, knowing that the hurt and suffering of so many other friends and family members of this person will forever be on your conscience? No.
So next time you go to send something like that to someone, wishing for them to take their life, turn around and pray for them.

&You say the weather here is normal?

I wake up: Snowing
I get out of bed: Sunny with snow on the ground
I leave for Church: Breezy
I get to church: No wind, sunny
I get out of Church:Windy and freezing!
Get to restaurant: Breezy
Get out of restaurant: Sleet, wind, and suckiness
Come our of Kohl's: (See Above)
Get home: Overcast, breezy
Now: So snowy you can't see anything, windy, absolutely no snow adding up to anything, and suckiness

Cool, Colorado. Way to be.
-__-

Romance

Fake or Fiction?

This question has been stuck in my head for a while now. We all say that we want the perfect love, but what does that mean exactly? All of this coming only from the perspective of a female, keep that in mind.

We all say that we're lonely and that nobody wants us. Yet when a guy friend, or even a guy we hardly know, comes up to us, at one point or another, and they tell us how they feel about us, and about the fact that they have had feelings for us for some time now, we refuse it. We want love from a significant other, but we're picky about it. In my opinion, if you're complaining about being single, you should take what you can get. Because if you're really that desperate, it probably doesn't really matter who the affection is coming from. We want to feel wanted, but our problem, is that we only want to feel wanted by certain people.
My thing, is that, if you really are that desperate to feel needed, and wanted, and like you're a vital piece of something, you should be thankful for ANY kind of kindness from anyone. It may be the best friend that has a crush on us, or the weird kid in class, but if you're really that in need of feeling wanted, who are you to say that someone else's desire for you isn't good enough?

&The novel kind of love. Those pages we read in our favorite books that give us chills, cause us to look up from the words, take a breath, and gather our thoughts. Those words that cause us to tingle from the tips of your toes all the way though your being, all the way up to the tip of your forehead. Those scenarios that we read through, and wish they could happen to us. Honestly, if those scenarios were to actually present themselves in front of us, who would really take advantage of them?

Care for a few examples?

The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks
If you were at the carnival with your friend and some random guy came up to you and asked you to dance, would you? Probably not. Most people want the ideal love story, but nobody wants to abandon their comfort zone in order to achieve it. Anyway, so he asks you to dance, and you refuse. &He then proceeds to find you several times all over town, and doesn't leave you alone? How many people would actually be flattered?  In today's society, that's called being a creep. And nobody I know would think anything differently about that if said situation were to ever arise. Bottom line, put yourself in the shoes of the character, Allie. Can you HONESTLY tell me that you would handle the situation the exact same way in order to get her end result? If your answer is yes, then congratulations, you're one in a million. &If your answer is no, then you just proved my point.

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
As we are all reading through the books in this series, we all wish we could be Katniss. Because she's such a strong character, and she has no idea. There is so much about her that we all admire and wish we could somehow embody. Through the story, we all make the choice of who we think she's really meant to be with: Gale of Peeta? For argument sake, let's go with Peeta on this one. He claims he madly in love with Katniss, the day before they go into battle of kill to the death. At this point, how many of you would really be flattered? Personally, I'd be pissed of for just NOW sharing that little piece of information. But once you get into the game, to find out that that one person who just claimed his undying love for you, has apparently betrayed you? I'd say you would probably handle the situation just like Katniss did. I really don't think you would fall in love with him even more. Even when we find out that he's sacrificing for her, we, as the reader, are gushing about the romance behind it all, but if you were in that arena, would you be thinking, 'Wow, I'm finally getting to live out my ideal love story.' Absolutely not. And even at the end of the book, we get mad at Katniss when she reveals to Peeta that it's all been an act for her. We think, 'How can you not be in love with him?!'
I'll tell you why. Did he help to save her life? Yes. Did he declare his love for her nationwide, and then protect those feelings, even if meant losing his life? Yes. To us, it seems absolutely rational for her to love him back, after all he has done for her. &To a certain extent, she does love him, but she's not IN LOVE with her. &There's a big difference.

That's the thing, we as the reader, are submerged in the story, just with our minds. While the completely fictional characters are actually living out the scenarios presented. If we were in the story ourselves, how would our perseption of the story line alter? We say we all want the perfect fairy tale love stories, but when it comes down to it, nobody is willing to go through the things in real life, that the characters do in books or movies. After a movie or book, we are all, to a certian extent, part of the story. We picture people we know, or ourselves, as the main characters. Who would be the lead, who would be which characters. But if you were the lead character, can you honestly tell me that you wouldn't handle the situation the exact same way that it was handled in the book or movie?

But that's the beauty of it all. We all want something we don't or can't have. We all want the 'perfect' love story that we can tell to our children, who can tell their children, who can then tell their children, so that your love story is passed down through the decades. We all want the love story every one dreams about, but if you ask me, if the opportunity were to ever actually present itself, very few would even think to take advantage of it.

Tonight, however, I would say my life was as perfect as it's ever been(:

Work
Dinner at home
Walk with Kristen and her Dad
Visit Sierra at work
Mate factor
Wander around Manitou
Adventures on Tejon
Near run in with the cops
Rooftop times
Almost to the top of the Antler's Hilton
Never have I ever, in many different forms
And laughing all the while with some of the bet people I've ever met

It's nights like tonight that keep me going, they remind me that there are things to live for, even when it seems there is no light left at the end of the tunnel. If perfection could be summed up into one thing, tonight would be that night(:

"Some days I just want to run away; not to see how far I can get, but to see who will chase me."

I just want to run away. Not to see where I get, or to see who would chase me. I just want to run away for the simple sake of running away. I want to get away from all of the terrible people that are here. It doesn't matter how hard I try to escape it all, it doesn't matter how fast I run, or how far I get, my problems are always faster. They are always right behind me.

I just want to go to sleep one night, and wake up as a different person. I want to crawl into a corner and never come out. I try and try to keep my heart open, because I truly do want to believe that people are worth fighting for, worth trusting, and worth IT in general, but the harder I try, and the more trust I put in people, the more I learn that I'm placing what little trust I have left into the people that least deserve it. &It's a sucky feeling.

I know what I look for in a friend, and when you don't possess those particular attributes, you won't be in my life very long. I have made poor choices in friends my whole life, and I'm sick of it. So now that I'm raising my standards on who I will and won't be friends with, that makes me a bad person?
The idea of never being able to please anyone is finally setting in. &that's exactly why I want to leave. RIGHT NOW. I can't please my mom, I'm not good enough to have friends. When I'm being myself, I'm the bitch who isn't worthy of any friends, but when I try to be friends with everyone, I'm not happy and I just become a worse version of myself. So at the end of the day, why wouldn't I just be who I am? Because that causes even more ridicule. and the fact that I keep hearing the same stupid things over and over and over, day in and day out, it makes you question yourself, who you have in your life, the things you want, and whether or not you're really worth it at the end of the day. And after being told by so many different people that you're not good enough, nor will you ever be, you really start to believe it.
I try to be as honest with myself and the ones around me, that it always turns out that me being honest makes me a bad person. Yet when I try to be a 'good person' that's never good enough either.

This is exactly why I don't have friends. Nobody knows what they really want, what they believe in, or anything else that truly matters. When I go a day without hardly talking, something is automatically wrong. Yet when I'm in a good mood, I'm loud and obnoxious. When I'm sad, I'm being a drama queen and only want attention. When I'm happy, I'm annoyingly optimistic. When I try to fit in, I'm told to do everything I can to stand out. When I try to be unique, I'm ridiculed even more for trying to be my own person.
You truly can't make anyone happy these days. And everyone always says make yourself happy first, and those around you will be happy for you. WHAT A LOAD OF BULLSHIT. When I'm trying to be myself, there is always that one 'friend' that is right there whispering in my ear that it isn't good enough, I'm not good enough, and I never will be. I try so hard to be happy, but anymore, it seems like the ideal of happiness is just another far fetched dream.

So yeah, sometimes I do just want to run away. Drive out to the West Coast and just walk up and down the beach all day, listening to the sound of the waves crash on the beach. But then reality hits me. I have work. I have my mom. I have people who just EXPECT me to make them my first priority when I'm nobody's priority.
I try to be a good friend and I'm told that I need to grow a backbone. Yet when I stand up for what I believe in and what I want in my life, I'm told that I'm being stuck up and I have too high of standards.

The bottom line is that I do know what I want in a friend. And a liar is NOT even close to being on that list. So if you lie to me, you're gone faster than you can blink an eye. &I'm not joking. Lying is one thing that I absolutely don't tolerate. Especially if you think I won't find out about something. Words has this crazy way of spreading like wildfire, and if you think it won't reach me, you're incredibly mislead. Never underestimate my ability to find things out.
I know exactly what I look for in anyone and everyone that is in my life. It might sound bad, but I really don't care. I'm not going to surround myself with people that refuse to make me a better person. I won't be around someone who will influence me in all the wrong ways.

&If that means standing alone, then so be it. That's how it's been my whole life, so it's not like it's something I'm not used to. I'm just so sick of being stuck around crappy friends and horrible people. I'm sick of society justifying the bad things people do. I want better, and I will get it one way or another. Even if that means standing alone and being my own best friend.

I really enjoy those talks with friends about absolutely nothing, but manage to say absolutely everything. When you start on one topic, but end on something completely different. Those conversations when you have to go back and figure out how in the world you managed to get from point A all the way to point Z when they have nothing in common.
Those conversations when you don't really communicate, but what's said is always understood, appreciated, and usually agreed on.
I love being able to hang out with a friend, and know that everything that's said, is in confidence, and won't go beyond the ears or lips of the very person you're talking to.
I just love, knowing I have finally found a friend worth finding.
&Let me tell you, the wait was very well worth it. Hard at times, but in the end, a true friend is hard to come by, but so very worth all of the crap you went through to find said person.
TRUE STORY.
Goodnight, my lovelies.

Long time no Therapy

What's up, BlogSpot?! I feel like I haven't been on in ages... Hmm, maybe because I truly haven't been on in AGES. Whoa. Crazy stuff right there.

I had a huge therapy session last night with my journal. &I mean intense. It resulted in like 3 pages of very rude words towards people I can't stand, scribbles that stand for me feelings towards said people, and countless holes all over the pages from pressing the pen down too hard. It was good though.(:

You know those people that just rub you the wrong way, but no matter how much you tell them, or make it very clear you don't want to be friends, they just don't get it?! Yeah, try having two of those in your life.
#1, this guy who is annoyingly relentless. He got my phone number from a friend. Mistake number one. He then texts me, WHILE I'M OUT OF TOWN, to ask me out. Keep in mind, he does this... OVER TEXT MESSAGE. And when I don't give him an answer, he then goes to tell me EVERY reason why it never would have worked out anyways. So when I get back into town, he pretends none of it ever happened, and starts hitting on me again. And he keeps telling me how much he wants to be in a relationship with me. FUN PART! He had a girlfriend the entire time. A true winner right there, huh?!
Basically, everything that a guy can do wrong when he claims to like a girl, was done in this particular scenario. Yeah, I'm currently not talking to him. But he clearly doesn't understand that seemingly simple ideal. He still thinks we're friends. My gosh, how dumb can people be anymore!?

#2, stupid girl. Don't you hate it when you sign up to be friends with what a person shows initially, just to find out that who you first saw is nowhere near who they really are? Yeah, it's called being two faced. When they put on a front, but turn out to be the total opposite. &The worst kind of a two faced person? When the side the show everyone else is this little innocent girl who is so nice and can do no wrong with an amazing sense of humor... But who she is, is the girl nobody wants to be friends with, and she's the girl that drives guys insane, and I'm not referring to the good kind of being driven insane. It's the kind of insane that makes them all come up to me and say, literally, "Wow, you really weren't kidding. When I don't reply to her text messages, she sends 10 more. And she sends the dumbest things just to get attention. Seriously, I thought you were kidding."
My response?
"Well, I warned you. Now you're just another name on her list of victims that she won't ever leave alone."
&the fact that she has the audacity to send the text saying, "I'm pregnant!" and then getting mad when she doesn't receive a response, is just beyond shocking. I just want to look at her and yell, "Dude, you're pathetic. The harder you try, the more you drive everyone away.'
My whole thing is... When a friend does something stupid, I'm the kind of friend that will stand by your side, no matter how wrong I know you were. I do everything I can to be like, "Well you know what, they're one of my closest friends, so no matter what they do, I'll back them up 100%"
But when you're doing so many things that I so strongly disagree with, I can't be that friend. She has changed so much since she's moved here. But the worst part? She would deny the whole thing. But you know what? I know what all of my guy friends have told me, I know what she's been saying to them over text message just for attention, and they will all back ME up if I ever call her out on it. And the fact that I have other friends telling me that she's truly psycho, is just another sign that I've made a good choice in NOT being her friend. I just can't stand it when I sign up for a friend, and they turn out to be absolutely everything I avoid in a friend.
How in the world can you be so wrong about a person you were so sure you know so well? That, is a question that has gone unanswered for so long, and this is just another example to add to the list...

And now said persons mentioned above are all buddy buddy! It's laughable, really. It just makes me that much more thankful for the fact that I can notice when someone is being fake, and not feel obligated to stick around. I would so much rather have just a few real friends, than have tons of fake ones... Ya know?
I could go on and on, but I won't. I got most of it out last night, so this is just another form of release for me. But it's not like anyone actually reads my nonsense. Haha, it's just another way to get my brain to slow down enough to put words and actual thoughts together with the feelings. It's a way of putting my thoughts into words so I can figure out exactly how I feel about a situation...


In other news, I'm on a kick and it feels so good. I've decided that since I leave for school in June, why not improve my life now so it's amazing when I get there? &I'm referring to every aspect of my life: psychically, emotionally, who are true friends, spiritually, and my overall mindset. It feels so good. I've come to the resounding conclusion that you really can do whatever you want if you just set your mind to it. All my life, I've always half assed things. And I mean everything. That's the problem with society today, though. We do something once or twice and expect immediate results. We don't like working for things...
Maybe that's why everything anymore isn't as good as it was 10 years ago...? Just a thought.
But I've decided that if I want to be in better shape and actually like what I see when I look in the mirror, I have to commit and not quite until I'm genuinely happy with the outcome. I have to do something and keep up with it until the results are truly what I want, and not stop just because I don't feel like doing it anymore. &Some days it's hard, really hard. But I just tell myself, instead of watching TV for a half hour, go work out. Then you can read a book to actually STIMULATE your brain, and not watch the nonsense that's on television these days. I've been working at it for about two weeks, and so far so good! (: Which is really exciting. Basically, I have until the end of June to better myself while in comfortable surroundings. After that, I'll be at school and EVERYTHING will change. &I'm praying it's for the better. So, wish me luck!

"I feel like I'm never important enough for anyone, I'm never anyone priority, and I'm sick of always being second best. For once, I want to be first. I want someone to look at me and not be disappointed in what they see. It's the unrequited feelings that suck the most, but those feelings are what have defined my life for the past 19 years."

"Have you ever thought that maybe if you trusted people then you would be first priority?"

NO FUCKING WAY. I'M MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY, SOCIALLY, AND PSYCHOLOGICALLY SCREWED UP, BUT THE THOUGHT THAT MAYBE IF I LEARNED TO TRUST PEOPLE, THINGS WOULD CHANGE NEVER ONCE CROSSED MY MIND.
NINETEEN YEARS OF SHIT CALLED LIFE, AND THE THOUGHT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME.

Thank you captain obvious for pointing out yet another one of my flaws. You should be happy that I even told you that, considering that is one of the thoughts I've only ever kept to myself. You're the first person to ever hear me voice those thoughts, so before you go and start to fix things for me, why don't you start by simply listening. You just might learn something and figure something out about me.

But don't you dare go and bring up obvious things that cross my mind every day of my fucking life, and act like I've never even thought of them. EVER.

Well done, you've managed to make me feel even worse about myself. Cool. Great. Awesome.

GREATLY APPRECIATED.

You can leave now.