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Before you get started, this is going to be hella random. I'm just ranting and venting and letting loose. Feel free to read if you dare, but don't expect it to make any sense at all.


I hate my life.
I think I'm bipolar, I think I have anger problems, it wouldn't surprise me if I had ADD or ADHD (I really don't know the difference), and I think I'm slowly going crazy.

Sometimes I just think life would be so much easier if I had no friends.
I mean, think about it. One minute I love life, I love my friends, and I'm going out of my way to do things to make everyone happy. The next minute I hate the world, I want nothing more than to just up and punch somebody in the face and just run away from everything.
One minute I want to live my life to make others happy, I want to change who I am in order to fit in with everyone else, and the next, I just want to stand out, I want to make a name for myself.

One minute I have huge plans for myself, I know exactly what I want in life and am ready to just get on with it, and the next, I have no idea what I want, who I am, if anybody really likes me, and I start to question everything that I am and know.

I realized something today. I don't know how to cry anymore. I mean yeah, I know the feeling and my eyes get glassy, but honestly, I can't remember the last time I felt tears run down my face, whether it be out of pure joy and happiness, or out of anger, pity, or honest to God sadness.
I have spent my whole life being strong for people, and that's all I know anymore. I don't know how to be weak. I don't know how to lose myself in anything. I've spend the past 18 years standing up tall, talking smack, gaining and losing friends, taking in the pain of my friends so they don't have to feel it, and making sure that I stay strong so people don't have to deal with my sadness. But then there's days like today, when there's nothing that I want more than to just sit down and cry. And I mean it, like full on bawl my freaking eyes out, but no. I don't know how to anymore. It's actually really sad. The person I've turned into.
I don't trust, I have very few friends, I rant, I'm all talk, and I can't cry, and I don't know what it means to be a true friend, or to have a true friend. I mean honestly, what kind of a person can say that? NOBODY but ME!

There has been so much happen in my life to make me the way I am today, and sometimes I wish I could change it, but I don't know how to. I don't know how to give myself more confidence without being cocky, I don't know how to trust without being walked over and used, I don't know how to have a friend because I don't REALLY know how to be one. I mean, yeah, I can be friendLY, but that's not being a FRIEND.

I don't have a male role model in my life, and some people are convinced that is the main reason I am the way I am. I don't know how to fall for people, I don't know how to trust a guy, I don't know how to let myself fall for somebody, and I don't know how to fight for what I want. I say I know exactly how to do this, but who am I kidding?
I am the most lost person you will ever meet.

The longer and longer I stay here, the further and further I start to go down. I'm suffocating, drowning. This place has nothing left to offer me except hurt, raw memories, bad people, scars, and everything bad. I need a new adventure. I need new people, new scenery, new chances, new experiences, and above all, a chance to find myself. I need to move out, move away, completely alone, with nothing but myself and a dream. I don't know who I am, who I trust, who I need, or what I want out of life. I just need to get away.

Anymore, this place is poison to me. There is nothing but girls taking away what I thought was mine, guys falling for my friends, people using me to get past me, and taking advantage of me. I need to start somewhere new with new friends, and new guys. I want a friend that is willing to go out of their way for me, and I want a guy who genuinely wants to get to know me; not through facebook, not over text, and not constantly asking me for dirty pictures. I want people to get to know me the old fashioned way. I want to go to a coffee shop and meet my best friend. I want to take an elevator somewhere and meet my future husband. I want to get away from technology, from the world, FROM REALITY, and just find myself.

I don't know who I am anymore, or what I want out of life. &The sense of being lost is one of the worst feelings you can have.
I hate feeling worthless, useless, and unwanted. I feel like all I'm doing anymore is just existing, and that is one of my biggest fears. I don't want to just exist. I want to live a life people look at and envy. I want to get into fights with people, but know that at the end of the day they'll still be there for me. I want to be able to voice my opinions and not have to worry about what others thin.
I want to be able to go somewhere and not have to worry about who I'll see, and what they've heard about me that may or may not be true. I want to be able to go somewhere and NOT have people stare at me the whole time for whatever reason.....


Have you ever had that one guy friend that you knew would never get anywhere? The one that is super cute and super fun to flirt with, but it was never anything more than that? Yeah, me too...
Until I gave him a hug yesterday, and now all of the sudden, it's something more. &I swear, I thought he was going to go in for a kiss right after, and I'm kind of surprised it didn't happen...
I know he feels it too because it's tense whenever we're around each other. And then he goes and hugs a friend today, yet he's watching me? I mean, I'm flattered, but that's the most awkward thing EVER.
Why can't a guy just tell me that he likes me, so that I can tell him the same thing, and then none of the questioning is there?!
I mean come on, we're done with high school, now can people just start acting like it?! PLEASE?!

And what is it with guys hitting on me out of nowhere? It gets really annoying. I don't know you, I won't send you pictures. You're a pervert. Thanks though. You want to hang out? Don't text me every two seconds, and when you do, don't act like a baby, you're older than me, start acting like it. Grow up a little. I want a REAL guy, not some creeper on facebook, to like me. Is that so much to ask for, I mean, REALLY?!
What have I done so wrong in a past life, honestly?!

Well, that's all the ranting I can do in one sitting. It's movie time. I'm going to lay in bed until the sun sets so my brain doesn't have to do any work, and then I think I'm gonna go for a walk. Blasting my iPod. Yep, that's what I'm gonna do. Where will I go? Good question. We'll see where I end up.


This is the kind of group of friends that I want someday. Guys and girls; they fight all the time, but at the end of the day, they're best friends, and they would do anything for each other. TRUE FRIENDSHIP <3

















+ JGarcia, GCelesting, SWilliams, SLaird, ARaynes, LMiller, SMiller, THale, all the fake friends I've had, all the true friends that I've had that I've pushed away, and Father, for royally screwing me up. THANKS.