I HATE MY MIND

When something happens &I think it’s so beyond amazing, my mind decides to get in the way, and I end up processing the information. WAY TOO MUCH.

I take a simple situation, and over think it, and think the hell out of it. It gets so bad that I think something good isn’t nearly as good. I think something bad isn’t nearly as bad. I don’t let people in, and I never tell them what I really want to.

Have you ever been asked a question or seen something, and you know exactly what you want to say back, but can’t bring yourself to actually say? Like, when you get a text from that one special person and they’re asking you something really personal or private and you know exactly what you want to say back to them, but once you have it typed into the screen and you’re about to hit ‘send’ that little voice in your head whispers your doubts into your head, and you end up erasing it and saying something that probably isn’t true, but you know it’s what they want to hear?

Have you ever sat on someone’s facebook, myspace, twitter, tumblr, whatever page, just wishing they would take the leap of faith and tell you how you know they feel? Have you ever sat there, waiting for the day that they would put THEIR heart on the line for you, sparing you and all of your feelings? Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, they’re waiting for you to do the same thing?
Don’t you ever think that maybe it’s your turn to take the chance? Take the leap of faith. Maybe, it’s MY turn to put my heart on the line for someone, and feel what it’s like to be the one putting yourself out there, and not waiting on someone else who may never come around.

Do you ever just want to be that person that takes chances and doesn’t worry about the outcome of the situation? Like putting your heart on the line, and even if you don’t get the response you want, nothing really changes?

I wish I could be that person. But I’ve been hurt so many times. I’ve been betrayed by the people that I never thought would leave my side. I’ve been stabbed in the back too many times to count. And because of all of that, my heart is the one thing left that isn’t ruined, so I keep it all to myself, trying to save it for something special and for someone that won’t break it.

I just wish sometimes that I could say to people what I really want to. I wish I could look at a guy and tell him how I really feel and not think twice about his feelings for me. I wish I could just be bold like some girls are. But I’m not.

When I like a guy, I have a hard enough time admitting it to myself, let alone the people around me. I hate the label of ‘best friend.’ There has only been one person in my life that I trust with the title, and it’s my brother. Whenever I hear it, I get defensive, my walls come up, and I automatically distance myself. Do I do this on purpose? NO! I just do. There has been so much in my life that has screwed me up emotionally.

It takes a very special person to handle me. Flaws and All. Laughter and Tears. Good and Bad. I’m a very independent person, and it will take someone just like me to be able to handle me.
My biggest fear is finding someone that I think will be able to handle it, and then they leave me, alone, just like everyone else in my life has. I don’t have self esteem issues. I have trust issues. And in my opinion, that’s the worst thing you can have.

I just want to be able to jump, and  know I will land on my feet at the bottom, &never look back.
I want to go from </3 to <3. I just want to find someone who won’t ever break the one part of me that’s left whole. I want to find someone who will break through the walls, and never want to see me cry. I want to find my love story.

&If you think about it, I think that is part of the reason I love tattoos and piercings. It’s pain, but I control it. I know what to expect. I can get more and more of them, but they all hurt the same. And after a certain amount of time, it numbs and goes away. A broken heart will never be fully healed. The scar from the break will always be there.

Tattoos and piercings are a personal ‘eff you’ to myself, proving that I can take the pain. Just maybe not the same kind as everyone else. I like putting myself through that kind of pain. It’s a high for me. Knowing that I can handle it, and that I can make it stop whenever I want to. It’s pain, but it’s MINE. I know what it feels like. I know when it will stop, and I know when it will start.
With your heart and your feelings, it’s all uncharted territory. They say a broken heart always breaks the same way. I say differently. I say when it comes to love, and your heart, and your first heartbreak, it’s all new. And it’s never the same twice.

I fear the break. I fear the pain. I fear the honesty. I fear, not being loved in return. </3

+JGarcia, SWilliams, KGosnell