SELF PITY?

Would you say that I go around acting like the world revolves around me &that everybody should feel sorry for me?
Does the fact that I have a highly swollen &possibly infected tattoo on my foot change anything? It shouldn't Yes, it hurts like hell, but have you seen me wallowing in self pity about it? No. Because I chose to get it done, and now I'm living with the consequences.
Does it make me a bad employee for calling in TWICE because I could barely move around my house, let alone stand on it for hours a day at work? I don't think it does, but according to SOME PEOPLE, it does.
The worst part of it all? I've tried to keep a smile on my face through it all, taking the mean remarks and the snide comments that people mumble about me, but tonight I just can't.
Tonight, I can't stop the tears.
Tonight, I can't vent enough.
Tonight, I need a good friend to be there for me, just as I have for them through the years.
Tonight, I need to be vulnerable.
Tonight, I need someone to reassure me that they will always be there for me.
Tonight, I need him to understand that it's not a fight.
Tonight, I need them to understand I just need someone to listen.
Tonight, I need a friend that will tell me the truth, but won't worry about hurting my feelings.
Tonight, I need my friends to have my back, no matter what.
Tonight, I need to be, dare I say, me.

Yes, I am a tough person. I'm a fighter. I fight for what I love, and I won't settle for less than what I know is my best. I have pushed myself through thick and thin, but for just tonight, I need to be the one that falls to pieces, with assurance that there will be someone at the bottom to catch me &put me together again. I need to be able to look at someone and just know that they know what I'm going through. For once, I just want to be the one being taken care of, not just the caregiver.
I just want someone, for once in my life, to tell me that I don't have to be strong. I don't have to have the walls around my heart.
&the part that makes it even worse? The fact that I wasn't exactly NICE tonight, but the people I was talking to, didn't take an extra second to think about it. They told me they understood, they completely know what I feel, and that I was more than welcome to take all the time I needed. He gave me the time I needed, and he didn't push it. I was rude, but they were understanding, and to boot, they were downright nice about it.
That I fear, is the hardest thing for me to grasp. That even though I was so mean to them, if only for a second, when it came down to it, they were still as sweet as ever, and more than willing to give me the space I needed. That's so hard for me to grasp, because in today's society, if you're mean to one person, you don't deserve the understanding smile of anyone. Not a friend, nor a stranger. If you're rude, even once, you deserve to be treated like hell, forever.

So with all of that being said, I don't see it as self pity, but if you do, I'm sorry. I don't, by any means, tend it to be that way. I'm in more pain than you would ever believe, I have taken the time that I believe I need, but for some reason, that still makes me the bad person? That sill puts me in the wrong? I just don't see the logic in that, but if it's true, then so be it. Maybe I've blinded myself to something. I just see it as taking care of what I love, and this week, it's my tattoo. I don't want to have to get a million touch ups, I don't want it to get infected. I want to let it heal like it should, and I just want it to look like it did the day I got it done. I just want the pain to be over with, so I can get back to being the me that I know I am. I want to be back to walking like I really do, to running around, to not having to worry about what will hurt, and what will hurt the tattoo. I want to get back, to life.
So if that takes a few extra days, so be it. Please, just let me take the time, so I can get back, to being, ME.

--HMills