Please give Nicki a break. She's been through so much in her life, and all she needs is the slightest glimmer of hope. She's got the biggest heart I know.
She laughs at herself, she tells it like it is, she makes friends with more people that I know, and she is simply beautiful, inside and out.
Please give everyone a friend like Sierra. She is extremely pure of heart. She's got such a head on her shoulders. She is one of those people you see and hear talk, and you just want to get to know her. I'm so very thankful for being blessed with a friend as magnificent as her, I just wish everyone could get the chance to experience that kind of friendship.
Thank you so much for Zach. That's all there is to it. Thank you for showing me, a girl who had nearly lost all hope in ever finding a genuine gentlemen, that there is still hope out there for boys. He is absolutely the most level headed person I know. He's a year younger than me, and knows more about what he wants in life that most people I know. He's such a wonderful person, thank you so very much for blessing me with such a great best friend as him. He is the glimmer of hope for the populous of teenage females.
Please help Kellyn figure out what is right for her. Tonight was the first time in our friendship that I've seen her truly vulnerable. We've had our share of talks and conversations about life, and all of the deep things you never talk to anyone about. But tonight, tonight was rough. I just pray that you give her some kind of inclination as to which road is the one she's supposed to be on.
I just want to thank you so much for Sabrina. She's one of the best friends I've ever had, and I thank you for giving me her for the past 7 years. Please show her that she can get and keep a guy interested without going out of her comfort zone. Please give her the guy that will push her to do her best, always ask more of her, but never push her over the edge. She's such a delicate person, I just hope you would help her find the one that's for her.
Thank you for Jourdan. That is literally all I can say. She is so much fun. She has an amazing sense of humor, she gets along with so many people, and she is the definition of beauty, inside and out. Before we had even known each other a month, she cried in front of me. &That takes guts. I've had friends for years that still have never seen me cry. They may have seen me right before, or right after, but none have actually seen me cry. So for her to be that comfortable around me so soon, I'm so thankful for that.
Thank you for Bryson. He is one of the greatest people I know. We've been friends, then we hated each other. Like downright hated each other. We couldn't stand to be around each other, or in the same room for that matter. Work sucked for the longest time. So thank you for letting us makeup. He is one of the best people I have in my life today. He is so funny, so good looking, and all around a good guy. He just goes to show that you can't judge a person by what you see at first glance, because if I did that with him, I would have written him off before I ever even met him.
&Last but certainly not least, thank you for Adam. Thank you for blessing my best friend with such a wonderful guy. He is the sweetest, most genuine guy that I've met in a really long time. He is such a great guy, and I'm glad that he and Kellyn found each other. Hanging out with them is such a breath of fresh air. When they're together, things seem so easy, like they just come naturally between them.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, for blessing me with such amazing people. They are what make my life worthwhile. I would do anything for any of these people, because I know they would do the same for me. These people have shown me what true friendship is, and how to find it in a room full of fake people. They're the ones that show me on a daily basis, that there are still good people in the world. &For all of that, I will be forever grateful. Thank you so much.
Love, Lydia (:
02 December 2011
29 November 2011
I'm stubborn.
In the past I have been walked over, made fun of, taken advantage of.
I've lost friends that were dear to me, and I've made friends that I could care less for.
I'm set in my own ways and have no intention to change them for anyone.
I've learned that unless I know exactly what I want, what I believe, how I am, or WHO I am, there will always be those people who will tell you that what you have in front of you is the best you'll ever get. I used to believe it. But I don't anymore, because I'm stubborn. I don't believe something is the best for me just because someone says so. I believe it when I actually feel it's true down to my core. When I can't even imagine my life with anything else.
I may be stubborn, hard headed, set in my ways, and extremely aggravating to some people, but I would rather be that, that be the girl that everyone gets, everyone understands, and everyone agrees with everything I do.
I'm more of the girl who will gladly wait until what I believe I deserve, not the girl who will try every bad seed before the right one finally comes along. I get feelings, my gut reaction, a woman's sixth sense if you will, and I choose not to ignore it.
I'm a very passionate person, about anything that's important to me in life. And when I don't get that feelings inside me of jumping for joy, the moment when I can't get the smile off my face no matter how hard I try, it's not going to happen.
I would rather not give pout every last little bit of my heart to the wrong person, when I can sit here, wit the little bit of my heart that I actually have left, that's not hurt or broken or betrayed, and wait until I know for sure, then give him my whole heart, knowing he won't take it and be the one to break it.
Basically, I know me better than you do. So do me a favor, and don't go around telling me what to do with my life, just because it works for you. We both already know that what's best for me isn't best for you, and vice versa. I know what's best for me, because I'm the only one who knows exactly what has gone on in my past to make me the way I am. I've changed because of it, and I know exactly the kind of guy that I will end up with. &I hate to break it to you, but you can't just expect me to fall into a relationship, especially just because it would be convenient for you. You can keep going on double dates, I'll stay at home and be a homebody; I've mastered the art very well. I'm just as happy going out with friends, going on dates with a group of people, as I am staying at home with a book, or just hanging out with a friend and chilling, making new friends, trying things I've never done.
My comfort zone is extremely broad, but being thrown into a relationship that I don't want to be a part of, just won't fly. It never has before, and it's not starting anytime soon.
I'm the kind of girl that 'plays hard to get.' Again with the stubbornness! Most people say that it's bad that I do this, but I say that it's the only way to weed out the people in my life who are just kind of there and the ones who actually want to be there. I've been betrayed by so many people, it's a habit to make people prove to me that they want to be in my life, other than just by default.
I feel like a guy needs to chase me. He needs to prove to me that he wants me for me. Yes, I play hard to get, but I don't go so far as to coming across as a lost cause. Confused? Good. I'm doing my job.
"You have pointed out my flaws again, as if I don't already see them."
I know what's wrong with me, so please don't go out of your way to point it out. I laugh at my flaws, because life would suck if I couldn't laugh at things like that.
I'm a confusing person, and there's 'more than meets the eye' with me. Cliche, but it's true.
I've lost friends that were dear to me, and I've made friends that I could care less for.
I'm set in my own ways and have no intention to change them for anyone.
I've learned that unless I know exactly what I want, what I believe, how I am, or WHO I am, there will always be those people who will tell you that what you have in front of you is the best you'll ever get. I used to believe it. But I don't anymore, because I'm stubborn. I don't believe something is the best for me just because someone says so. I believe it when I actually feel it's true down to my core. When I can't even imagine my life with anything else.
I may be stubborn, hard headed, set in my ways, and extremely aggravating to some people, but I would rather be that, that be the girl that everyone gets, everyone understands, and everyone agrees with everything I do.
I'm more of the girl who will gladly wait until what I believe I deserve, not the girl who will try every bad seed before the right one finally comes along. I get feelings, my gut reaction, a woman's sixth sense if you will, and I choose not to ignore it.
I'm a very passionate person, about anything that's important to me in life. And when I don't get that feelings inside me of jumping for joy, the moment when I can't get the smile off my face no matter how hard I try, it's not going to happen.
I would rather not give pout every last little bit of my heart to the wrong person, when I can sit here, wit the little bit of my heart that I actually have left, that's not hurt or broken or betrayed, and wait until I know for sure, then give him my whole heart, knowing he won't take it and be the one to break it.
Basically, I know me better than you do. So do me a favor, and don't go around telling me what to do with my life, just because it works for you. We both already know that what's best for me isn't best for you, and vice versa. I know what's best for me, because I'm the only one who knows exactly what has gone on in my past to make me the way I am. I've changed because of it, and I know exactly the kind of guy that I will end up with. &I hate to break it to you, but you can't just expect me to fall into a relationship, especially just because it would be convenient for you. You can keep going on double dates, I'll stay at home and be a homebody; I've mastered the art very well. I'm just as happy going out with friends, going on dates with a group of people, as I am staying at home with a book, or just hanging out with a friend and chilling, making new friends, trying things I've never done.
My comfort zone is extremely broad, but being thrown into a relationship that I don't want to be a part of, just won't fly. It never has before, and it's not starting anytime soon.
I'm the kind of girl that 'plays hard to get.' Again with the stubbornness! Most people say that it's bad that I do this, but I say that it's the only way to weed out the people in my life who are just kind of there and the ones who actually want to be there. I've been betrayed by so many people, it's a habit to make people prove to me that they want to be in my life, other than just by default.
I feel like a guy needs to chase me. He needs to prove to me that he wants me for me. Yes, I play hard to get, but I don't go so far as to coming across as a lost cause. Confused? Good. I'm doing my job.
"You have pointed out my flaws again, as if I don't already see them."
I know what's wrong with me, so please don't go out of your way to point it out. I laugh at my flaws, because life would suck if I couldn't laugh at things like that.
I'm a confusing person, and there's 'more than meets the eye' with me. Cliche, but it's true.
28 November 2011
Life Lessons
I have learned so many things tonight. That always happens to me, I realize the most random things when I’m having a good time or when I’m with friends, or just when I’m actually given time to process my thoughts. As if I need any more of that...
+ I SUCK at dating.
+ I know exactly what I want in a guy, but apparently being picky at my age isn’t okay.
+ I would rather meet a guy in a friendly setting and have a good time when him no strings attached before I even think of him romantically.
I would rather just be one of the guys than be the girl on the date that everyone is looking at and judging.
I hate being set up. I’m the kind of girl that meets a guy, gets to know him, THEN thinks of dating him
I need to be with somebody as outgoing and spontaneous and comfortable with the uncomfortable as I am.
When I’m with my friends, we can be extremely overwhelming to deal with and take in
Apparently I’m intimidating...? Not entirely sure about that.
I’ve been so independent for so long, it’s going to take someone very special to be able to accept that and accept me and accept the fact that I don’t need them to do everything for me, or really anything for that matter.
I don’t need anybody, I mean, I need my friends and family, but as to a guy, I don’t NEED someone.
I hate being set up on dates.
I’m so laid back, when people tell me that I’m supposed to be acting a certain way towards someone I may or may not know well, I get really offended.
I love meeting new people.
I prefer guy friends over girl friends; give me two or three really good girl friends, and I’m set. But a girl can never have too many guy friends.
People tell me that at my age, I just need to experiment and have fun. I know how to have fun, without drugs or alcohol or anything of that sort.
People say that I need to give a guy a chance. I’m sorry, and this will probably come across as shallow, but when I meet a guy, I pretty much know right away whether or not I’ll be interested. When I say I’m not interested, the chances of that changing are really low, like, next to impossible.
I’m 19, &never had a real boyfriend. But when I look at a guy, I picture my future, what I want out of life, and what I want to do in the long run,&if he doesn’t fit into the picture, I rule him out quite quickly.
I’m 19 and think of guys with my future in mind. I just don’t see the point in getting his or my hopes up if it’s not for the long run. Why go through the drama of a relationship if it’s not for the long run. and this may sound insane, but at this point, when I say the long run, I mean the LONG RUN. Like, marriage, the proposal, my life, my future, and whether or not I can see myself spending the rest of my life with a person.
I’m so out of my league with most people my age. I spend most of my time with people older than me.
I don’t have a lot of friends, but the ones that I do have are amazing and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.
People always tell me to give things time; the difference between me and most people though? I know, right off the bat, whether it’s what I want or not, whether it will work out or not, and I automatically get the feeling of who is more into whatever it is.
Dating, give it time, you guys may end up like me and my boyfriend! Well, I’m not you, and he’s not your boyfriend. I know what I want in a guy, and if I don’t see those aspects, I’m usually going to rule him out.
They always say that love is friendship on fire. That’s my motto for life. At this point in my life, there are only three different guys that I would even consider going out with, and they’re all my best friends. I’m the kind of girl that works better when there’s no pressure, and things just fall into place.
I would rather be best friends with a guy for years, have him know he can trust me, be able to tell him my secrets, and all in all, just spend time talking, seriously and sarcastically. Then, AND ONLY THEN, would I ever consider dating a guy. Yes, the typical point of dating someone is to get to know them better. But I get to know people better on my own terms.
I hate knowing that I’m going on a date, with someone I don’t know. That’s like telling two people, hey, you can’t find something for yourself, so let me throw you into a situation that is bound to SUCK, and you’ll be totally fine while I sit here with my boyfriend/girlfriend and laugh at you both make complete fools of yourselves.
Thanks for the offer, but I have my own methods of getting to know guys. &It’s not sleeping with a guy I don’t know, or going on blind dates, or being set up with people I don’t know.
Whenever I finally settle down with someone, he is going to have to be just like me, while also being my total opposite. He’s going to have to be one of the most outgoing people I know, he’s going to have to know how to let loose and have fun, he’s going to have to be my shoulder to lean on.
He’s going to have to be my best friend; the one person that I want to tell everything to.
He is going to have to be able to chase me and know that it’s not a lost cause. I have been hurt and betrayed and stabbed in the back by some of the most important people in my life, and that has caused me to run. From everything. I need a man who’s going to be able to prove to me that he wants me in his life, and that there is room for me in his life. He’s going to have to be able to be blunt and completely honest with me, because I’m way too honest. I have a hard time remembering that what I say might actually be taken the wrong way.
I need a guy who is independent from me, but at the end of the day, is okay with just watching movies with me all night and cuddling.
The bottom line of my life, is that I know what I want. I life, in a guy, in my friends, in my career goals. I know all of it. I’m just so different from my friends in so many ways, I sometimes feel like no matter what I do, what I say, who I like, or who I’m friends with, there will always be someone there telling me that there’s a better way to do something, a different way to achieve something.
It’s like they’re telling me that what I know, what I’ve been through, and the hoops I make people jump through just to prove to me that they want me in their lives, aren’t worth it.
Well, to me they are. Because I only want people in my life who will better me, challenge me, who will be able to make me cry, but also be there as a shoulder to cry on. I feel like people are always telling me that I’m not good enough, just because I’m different.
I’m sorry. I really am. But I know what I want. &At the end of the day, I will NOT settle.
+ I SUCK at dating.
+ I know exactly what I want in a guy, but apparently being picky at my age isn’t okay.
+ I would rather meet a guy in a friendly setting and have a good time when him no strings attached before I even think of him romantically.
I would rather just be one of the guys than be the girl on the date that everyone is looking at and judging.
I hate being set up. I’m the kind of girl that meets a guy, gets to know him, THEN thinks of dating him
I need to be with somebody as outgoing and spontaneous and comfortable with the uncomfortable as I am.
When I’m with my friends, we can be extremely overwhelming to deal with and take in
Apparently I’m intimidating...? Not entirely sure about that.
I’ve been so independent for so long, it’s going to take someone very special to be able to accept that and accept me and accept the fact that I don’t need them to do everything for me, or really anything for that matter.
I don’t need anybody, I mean, I need my friends and family, but as to a guy, I don’t NEED someone.
I hate being set up on dates.
I’m so laid back, when people tell me that I’m supposed to be acting a certain way towards someone I may or may not know well, I get really offended.
I love meeting new people.
I prefer guy friends over girl friends; give me two or three really good girl friends, and I’m set. But a girl can never have too many guy friends.
People tell me that at my age, I just need to experiment and have fun. I know how to have fun, without drugs or alcohol or anything of that sort.
People say that I need to give a guy a chance. I’m sorry, and this will probably come across as shallow, but when I meet a guy, I pretty much know right away whether or not I’ll be interested. When I say I’m not interested, the chances of that changing are really low, like, next to impossible.
I’m 19, &never had a real boyfriend. But when I look at a guy, I picture my future, what I want out of life, and what I want to do in the long run,&if he doesn’t fit into the picture, I rule him out quite quickly.
I’m 19 and think of guys with my future in mind. I just don’t see the point in getting his or my hopes up if it’s not for the long run. Why go through the drama of a relationship if it’s not for the long run. and this may sound insane, but at this point, when I say the long run, I mean the LONG RUN. Like, marriage, the proposal, my life, my future, and whether or not I can see myself spending the rest of my life with a person.
I’m so out of my league with most people my age. I spend most of my time with people older than me.
I don’t have a lot of friends, but the ones that I do have are amazing and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.
People always tell me to give things time; the difference between me and most people though? I know, right off the bat, whether it’s what I want or not, whether it will work out or not, and I automatically get the feeling of who is more into whatever it is.
Dating, give it time, you guys may end up like me and my boyfriend! Well, I’m not you, and he’s not your boyfriend. I know what I want in a guy, and if I don’t see those aspects, I’m usually going to rule him out.
They always say that love is friendship on fire. That’s my motto for life. At this point in my life, there are only three different guys that I would even consider going out with, and they’re all my best friends. I’m the kind of girl that works better when there’s no pressure, and things just fall into place.
I would rather be best friends with a guy for years, have him know he can trust me, be able to tell him my secrets, and all in all, just spend time talking, seriously and sarcastically. Then, AND ONLY THEN, would I ever consider dating a guy. Yes, the typical point of dating someone is to get to know them better. But I get to know people better on my own terms.
I hate knowing that I’m going on a date, with someone I don’t know. That’s like telling two people, hey, you can’t find something for yourself, so let me throw you into a situation that is bound to SUCK, and you’ll be totally fine while I sit here with my boyfriend/girlfriend and laugh at you both make complete fools of yourselves.
Thanks for the offer, but I have my own methods of getting to know guys. &It’s not sleeping with a guy I don’t know, or going on blind dates, or being set up with people I don’t know.
Whenever I finally settle down with someone, he is going to have to be just like me, while also being my total opposite. He’s going to have to be one of the most outgoing people I know, he’s going to have to know how to let loose and have fun, he’s going to have to be my shoulder to lean on.
He’s going to have to be my best friend; the one person that I want to tell everything to.
He is going to have to be able to chase me and know that it’s not a lost cause. I have been hurt and betrayed and stabbed in the back by some of the most important people in my life, and that has caused me to run. From everything. I need a man who’s going to be able to prove to me that he wants me in his life, and that there is room for me in his life. He’s going to have to be able to be blunt and completely honest with me, because I’m way too honest. I have a hard time remembering that what I say might actually be taken the wrong way.
I need a guy who is independent from me, but at the end of the day, is okay with just watching movies with me all night and cuddling.
The bottom line of my life, is that I know what I want. I life, in a guy, in my friends, in my career goals. I know all of it. I’m just so different from my friends in so many ways, I sometimes feel like no matter what I do, what I say, who I like, or who I’m friends with, there will always be someone there telling me that there’s a better way to do something, a different way to achieve something.
It’s like they’re telling me that what I know, what I’ve been through, and the hoops I make people jump through just to prove to me that they want me in their lives, aren’t worth it.
Well, to me they are. Because I only want people in my life who will better me, challenge me, who will be able to make me cry, but also be there as a shoulder to cry on. I feel like people are always telling me that I’m not good enough, just because I’m different.
I’m sorry. I really am. But I know what I want. &At the end of the day, I will NOT settle.
26 November 2011
Happy Birthday to... Me?
Weird. I’m a whole year older that I was yesterday, apparently. I
don’t know how it happened, but people kept telling me Happy Birthday
all day today for some reason… Not quite sure what that is about…?
How did I spend my day?
Let’s recap, shall we?
I go to work, and it’s pretty chill. My birthday is announced to EVERY SINGLE COWORKER during huddle. Coooooool, Target. So much for trying to keep it on the DL. :/
+ I find out that my best friend’s boyfriend is trying to set me up with the new guy at work, but he’s too shy to come talk to me. Story of my life. Aha, awesome. Just another one to add to the list.
+ I cashier when I’m supposed to be working in Guest Service.
+ Mental Breakdown.
+ All of my guy friends give me a hard time for this new ‘back room plan.’
+ Jourdan comes in to surprise me with the best present EVER! Thanks Kellyn &Jourdan, I love you both so very much. (:
+ I go on break to see that I have like 9 text messages saying happy birthday.
+ Get off break and get bombarded my PC kiddos. I was informed, by more that 5 people, that PineCreek made it to state! So for that, congratulations to all of you Pine Creekers! (:
+ Go home!!! :D
+ Dinner out with my mom.
+ Time to open presents! (A new photography book!)
+ Reblogging photos on tumblr.
+And well, I guess you’re all up to date. Because now you’re reading this, and this is what I’m currently doing. Well, never mind. Right now you’re reading this, and I’m probably finding way too many MORE picture to reblog. Cool.
Yep, I’m 19. &That’s how I spent my birthday. (:
Thanks to the amazing people that I have in my life : Kellyn, Jourdan, Nicki, Bryson, Zach, Adam, Chelsea, Grace, Sierra, Sabrina, &Chad. You all mean the world to me, and make my life what it is. Thank you for the birthday wishes and for everything you do for me and thank you for putting up with me for as long as you all have! (:
(And thanks to all of the coworkers that wished me a happy birthday today, whether or not we ever really talk!)
How did I spend my day?
Let’s recap, shall we?
I go to work, and it’s pretty chill. My birthday is announced to EVERY SINGLE COWORKER during huddle. Coooooool, Target. So much for trying to keep it on the DL. :/
+ I find out that my best friend’s boyfriend is trying to set me up with the new guy at work, but he’s too shy to come talk to me. Story of my life. Aha, awesome. Just another one to add to the list.
+ I cashier when I’m supposed to be working in Guest Service.
+ Mental Breakdown.
+ All of my guy friends give me a hard time for this new ‘back room plan.’
+ Jourdan comes in to surprise me with the best present EVER! Thanks Kellyn &Jourdan, I love you both so very much. (:
+ I go on break to see that I have like 9 text messages saying happy birthday.
+ Get off break and get bombarded my PC kiddos. I was informed, by more that 5 people, that PineCreek made it to state! So for that, congratulations to all of you Pine Creekers! (:
+ Go home!!! :D
+ Dinner out with my mom.
+ Time to open presents! (A new photography book!)
+ Reblogging photos on tumblr.
+And well, I guess you’re all up to date. Because now you’re reading this, and this is what I’m currently doing. Well, never mind. Right now you’re reading this, and I’m probably finding way too many MORE picture to reblog. Cool.
Yep, I’m 19. &That’s how I spent my birthday. (:
Thanks to the amazing people that I have in my life : Kellyn, Jourdan, Nicki, Bryson, Zach, Adam, Chelsea, Grace, Sierra, Sabrina, &Chad. You all mean the world to me, and make my life what it is. Thank you for the birthday wishes and for everything you do for me and thank you for putting up with me for as long as you all have! (:
(And thanks to all of the coworkers that wished me a happy birthday today, whether or not we ever really talk!)
25 November 2011
Be Thankful, No Matter The Day
What am I thankful for in my life?
Absolutely everything.
I’m thankful for every morning I get to wake up to such a beautiful view, with an amazing roof over my head, surrounded by the best family God could have given me.
I’m thankful for my best friend, my role model, and my everything: My Big Brother. I’m thankful for everything he does to protect our country, I’m thankful for the fact that he’s 21 and protects our country every day of his life. I’m thankful for the people like him that are willing to give up the holidays with their families because they know the duty they have to uphold for the safety and security of all of the random faces I see everyday.
I’m thankful for the friends God has blessed me with.
Sabrina, Sierra, Kellyn, Jourdan, Nicki, Bryson, Zach, Lindsay, Lindsey, Anthony, Jason, and so many more. These are the people that keep the smile on my face day in and day out, they keep my spirits high when I feel at my lowest. They are the ones who laugh with me at my jokes, remind me not to take everything so seriously, but there are time when laughter is inappropriate. My friends, past and present, are the ones who have shaped me into the person that I am today, and for that, I will be forever thankful.
I’m thankful for my family.
My mom and my brother are my best friends, and there will never be anybody that can ever replace them. I don’t know what I would do without either of them. My mom is my rock, she is my safe haven, she knows what I can and can’t handle, and she knows when pushing myself as far as I can go gets to be too much.
My brother is the one single person on the planet that I try to model myself after. He is the most down to earth person I have ever met, he has such a great head on his shoulders, he is one of the most loyal, and true people I have ever met, and for that, I will always try to better myself to be more like him.
I am thankful for my job.
No, it might not be the most glamourous, but it’s a job none the less. It provides me with the means to get my friends and family the gifts they deserve, and it allows me to meet new people every day of my life.
I am thankful for my passions in life, and the drive inside my soul.
I may not be good at photography, art, or writing, but I absolutely love them all, and my lack of gift of these three things will not go away. They are the things that inspire me, they are the things I turn to when life gets too much to handle. My artwork and my writing are the ways I express myself when words just can’t seem to cut it. I’m so extremely grateful for the love of at and beauty in everything that He has blessed me with.
I’m thankful for music.
The lyrics that say things that words I can’t. The melodies that express my mood better than anything else in the world. The beats that make me want to dance, the words that portray a message, and the meanings in the songs that bring to tears.
I’m thankful for my passion in life for everything.
I think there is so much for me to do with this life, I can’t even begin to express how much of a blessing it all really is. I find the biggest meaning and inspiration in the smallest of things..
There are so many more things in life that I’m thankful for. I’m thankful for life in itself. I’m thankful for all of the people who have been in my life that have taught me something. We may not be friends anymore, but we were for a moment, and those moments are the ones that really mean the most in life.
Absolutely everything.
I’m thankful for every morning I get to wake up to such a beautiful view, with an amazing roof over my head, surrounded by the best family God could have given me.
I’m thankful for my best friend, my role model, and my everything: My Big Brother. I’m thankful for everything he does to protect our country, I’m thankful for the fact that he’s 21 and protects our country every day of his life. I’m thankful for the people like him that are willing to give up the holidays with their families because they know the duty they have to uphold for the safety and security of all of the random faces I see everyday.
I’m thankful for the friends God has blessed me with.
Sabrina, Sierra, Kellyn, Jourdan, Nicki, Bryson, Zach, Lindsay, Lindsey, Anthony, Jason, and so many more. These are the people that keep the smile on my face day in and day out, they keep my spirits high when I feel at my lowest. They are the ones who laugh with me at my jokes, remind me not to take everything so seriously, but there are time when laughter is inappropriate. My friends, past and present, are the ones who have shaped me into the person that I am today, and for that, I will be forever thankful.
I’m thankful for my family.
My mom and my brother are my best friends, and there will never be anybody that can ever replace them. I don’t know what I would do without either of them. My mom is my rock, she is my safe haven, she knows what I can and can’t handle, and she knows when pushing myself as far as I can go gets to be too much.
My brother is the one single person on the planet that I try to model myself after. He is the most down to earth person I have ever met, he has such a great head on his shoulders, he is one of the most loyal, and true people I have ever met, and for that, I will always try to better myself to be more like him.
I am thankful for my job.
No, it might not be the most glamourous, but it’s a job none the less. It provides me with the means to get my friends and family the gifts they deserve, and it allows me to meet new people every day of my life.
I am thankful for my passions in life, and the drive inside my soul.
I may not be good at photography, art, or writing, but I absolutely love them all, and my lack of gift of these three things will not go away. They are the things that inspire me, they are the things I turn to when life gets too much to handle. My artwork and my writing are the ways I express myself when words just can’t seem to cut it. I’m so extremely grateful for the love of at and beauty in everything that He has blessed me with.
I’m thankful for music.
The lyrics that say things that words I can’t. The melodies that express my mood better than anything else in the world. The beats that make me want to dance, the words that portray a message, and the meanings in the songs that bring to tears.
I’m thankful for my passion in life for everything.
I think there is so much for me to do with this life, I can’t even begin to express how much of a blessing it all really is. I find the biggest meaning and inspiration in the smallest of things..
There are so many more things in life that I’m thankful for. I’m thankful for life in itself. I’m thankful for all of the people who have been in my life that have taught me something. We may not be friends anymore, but we were for a moment, and those moments are the ones that really mean the most in life.
17 November 2011
15 November 2011
There is a difference
I have been called a girly girl, and whenever I go to deny it, people say that I'm a liar.
I'm telling the truth, 110%. I'm not the girly type.
I live every day in jeans and a tshirt or hoodie.
I prefer to be one of the guys, than one of the 'hot girls' they look at all day long.
I would play video games all day long over hearing about the latest drama.
I like being the little sister and the best friend.
On the other hand though, I'm a hopeless romantic. I know what I want in a guy, what I want out of life, and I know all of the romantic experiences in life that I want to go through with my loved one.
I'm not a girly girl, but I am a romantic.
I have a good head on my shoulders.
I keep in mind reality, but there will always be a part of me that wants the happily ever after, the love story, the romance that people wait their whole lives for.
So no, I'm really not the girly type. I'm a hopeless romantic.
Next time you get the two confused, don't. They're very different. In every way possible.
I'm telling the truth, 110%. I'm not the girly type.
I live every day in jeans and a tshirt or hoodie.
I prefer to be one of the guys, than one of the 'hot girls' they look at all day long.
I would play video games all day long over hearing about the latest drama.
I like being the little sister and the best friend.
On the other hand though, I'm a hopeless romantic. I know what I want in a guy, what I want out of life, and I know all of the romantic experiences in life that I want to go through with my loved one.
I'm not a girly girl, but I am a romantic.
I have a good head on my shoulders.
I keep in mind reality, but there will always be a part of me that wants the happily ever after, the love story, the romance that people wait their whole lives for.
So no, I'm really not the girly type. I'm a hopeless romantic.
Next time you get the two confused, don't. They're very different. In every way possible.
05 November 2011
I hate you all
Can I please just say for the record, I hate people who go around referring to every single person in their life as their best friend, bestie, or anything else of the sort. I am a firm believe in the idea that a best friend is someone who you can trust with anything and everything in your life, they’re the one who you can turn to for anything, and you know you will be friends no matter the disagreement you two may come to.
I believe that anyone who has more than like, three ‘best friends,’ they’re not true best friends, they’re just title they give people to make them feel important in their lives.
I have two best girl friends, and one best guy friend. This is besides my family, because when it all comes down to it, my mom and my brother are truly the only two people I would ever trust with everything in my life. After all, no matter what, they will always be there, whether or not I want them to be.
I hate it when people walk around referring to everyone, even people they hardly know, as their best friend. Seriously, PICK ONE!
Yes, there are quite a few people that have earned my trust in life, but there are still time when I look at my life and think to myself, do I really trust them, or are they just the kind of person that I want to be my best friend?
I have learned the hard way in life, that few can actually be trusted. So when I say that I trust someone, it's a really big deal. Trust for me, is the hardest thing to gain and the easiest thing to lose. It takes years to build up and just a moment to completely shatter. And once trust is lost, in my eyes, it's gone forever.
My family are the only people that will always have my trust, no matter what happens. Because deep down in my heart, I know that they do things with my best interests in mind. They tell me the truth, whether it's what I want to hear or not. They are the ones that have been there for me through EVERYTHING in life, and still love me unconditionally. They teach me the things no one else can, and they are the people that will be with me until my death bed.
24 October 2011
&This my friends,
Is why I never keep friends around for any given amount of time. I'm more of the loner type.
I don't deal well with people not telling me thing.
I hate it when I make plans with someone, and then they go and do said plans with someone else.
I hate it when my friends have nothing else to talk about but the guy their into.
When I'm with my friends, I want to find things to laugh at, I want to have a good time, not talking about a guy, or what someone did to make them mad this time, or holding grudges against people that I talk to.
This is why I hate having a group of THREE friends.
I'm always the one that gets cut out. I do everything I can to include both of them, I spend time with both of them, I make plans for all of us to spend time together, and what do I get for doing everything I can to be a good friend? I end up being the one to get cut out of the plans.
I'm the one that's always being forgotten about. I get left out on plans. They choose each other over me, the one they've known longer than they've known each other. They leave me in the dark when I was the only person that would talk to them; the only person willing to go out of their way to make them feel comfortable and welcome.
&what do I get in return? I get left out.
I'm always the one that find things out through, take a guess, facebook. Yep, they don't have the decency to tell me to my face...
This is why I read books, I'm addicted to music, and why I love spending so much time on my photography. None of these activities require anyone else there to do it with me. I can do it all alone. When I have the day off work, I'm free to just get in my car and drive. To wherever I want to. Blasting whatever music I want to, going wherever I want to. It allows me to just drive and drive, with any idea of where exactly it is that I want to end up. I'm free to lose myself in life.
I just wish that one day, I would be able to find the one person that would actually treat me like the friend I try so hard to be. I kill myself every day trying to make friends, and doing everything I can to make them last.
&after over 15 years of sucky friendships, anymore, it's a lost cause. It's tedious. Getting attached to someone, hoping with all of my heart that this friend will finally be the one that I've always wanted. The one that will treat me the same way I treat them. One that can take it as well as they can dish it. Someone who has bad days and has really good days. Someone who is willing to just sit, in the quiet with me, and be totally comfortable...
&now I realize, it's not a friend that I'm lacking. It's a soulmate. It's the one person that will accept me for me, want to actually spend time with me, and not make me feel like crap.
I'm so tired of spending all of my time and energy and the little trust I have left on people that will leave me as soon as something better comes along. I just want that one person in life, who won't ever leave me, no matter what I say or do to push them away, they'll always be there for me, just like I'll always be there for them.
Yes, I will continue to be friendly to 99% of the people that I talk to, but at this point, I'm just tired of looking so hard for that one person, who will treat me like a true friend. I just want to find a friend, that in 70 years, I can look back and be able to say, 'wow, they really have been there for me through everything, even if I didn't realize it at the time."
Yep, that day in life, you're more than welcome anytime now, really!
I don't deal well with people not telling me thing.
I hate it when I make plans with someone, and then they go and do said plans with someone else.
I hate it when my friends have nothing else to talk about but the guy their into.
When I'm with my friends, I want to find things to laugh at, I want to have a good time, not talking about a guy, or what someone did to make them mad this time, or holding grudges against people that I talk to.
This is why I hate having a group of THREE friends.
I'm always the one that gets cut out. I do everything I can to include both of them, I spend time with both of them, I make plans for all of us to spend time together, and what do I get for doing everything I can to be a good friend? I end up being the one to get cut out of the plans.
I'm the one that's always being forgotten about. I get left out on plans. They choose each other over me, the one they've known longer than they've known each other. They leave me in the dark when I was the only person that would talk to them; the only person willing to go out of their way to make them feel comfortable and welcome.
&what do I get in return? I get left out.
I'm always the one that find things out through, take a guess, facebook. Yep, they don't have the decency to tell me to my face...
This is why I read books, I'm addicted to music, and why I love spending so much time on my photography. None of these activities require anyone else there to do it with me. I can do it all alone. When I have the day off work, I'm free to just get in my car and drive. To wherever I want to. Blasting whatever music I want to, going wherever I want to. It allows me to just drive and drive, with any idea of where exactly it is that I want to end up. I'm free to lose myself in life.
I just wish that one day, I would be able to find the one person that would actually treat me like the friend I try so hard to be. I kill myself every day trying to make friends, and doing everything I can to make them last.
&after over 15 years of sucky friendships, anymore, it's a lost cause. It's tedious. Getting attached to someone, hoping with all of my heart that this friend will finally be the one that I've always wanted. The one that will treat me the same way I treat them. One that can take it as well as they can dish it. Someone who has bad days and has really good days. Someone who is willing to just sit, in the quiet with me, and be totally comfortable...
&now I realize, it's not a friend that I'm lacking. It's a soulmate. It's the one person that will accept me for me, want to actually spend time with me, and not make me feel like crap.
I'm so tired of spending all of my time and energy and the little trust I have left on people that will leave me as soon as something better comes along. I just want that one person in life, who won't ever leave me, no matter what I say or do to push them away, they'll always be there for me, just like I'll always be there for them.
Yes, I will continue to be friendly to 99% of the people that I talk to, but at this point, I'm just tired of looking so hard for that one person, who will treat me like a true friend. I just want to find a friend, that in 70 years, I can look back and be able to say, 'wow, they really have been there for me through everything, even if I didn't realize it at the time."
Yep, that day in life, you're more than welcome anytime now, really!
11 October 2011
I'm done aplogizing.
I'm done saying sorry for voicing my opinions.
I'm done letting people walk over me.
I'm done worrying about being vulnerable.
I'm done apologizing for my feelings.
I'm done saying I'm sorry for telling the truth.
I'm done saying I'm sorry about the way I feel about certain things and people.
I'm done worrying about what people will think when I finally tell them what I REALLY think about people.
I can't change how I feel about people or things. If I could, life would be much easier. I wouldn't be so self conscious, I wouldn't care about guys liking my friends better than me, I wouldn't care about what people thought of me when I admit to what I'm feeling.
I'm done being the one who tiptoes around everyone's feelings.
I'm done always thinking to myself, "Well, I'm sorry for not giving up on you. I'm sorry for wanting to be the one you turn to when you need someone. I'm sorry for wanting to talk to you. I'm sorry for you being ashamed of me. I'm sorry for wanting to be the one you think of when you hear a love story, a song with cute lyrics, &I'm sorry for wanting to be the one that pops into your head at random moments throughout the day. I'm sorry, for never being good enough for you."
I'm done letting people walk over me.
I'm done worrying about being vulnerable.
I'm done apologizing for my feelings.
I'm done saying I'm sorry for telling the truth.
I'm done saying I'm sorry about the way I feel about certain things and people.
I'm done worrying about what people will think when I finally tell them what I REALLY think about people.
I can't change how I feel about people or things. If I could, life would be much easier. I wouldn't be so self conscious, I wouldn't care about guys liking my friends better than me, I wouldn't care about what people thought of me when I admit to what I'm feeling.
I'm done being the one who tiptoes around everyone's feelings.
I'm done always thinking to myself, "Well, I'm sorry for not giving up on you. I'm sorry for wanting to be the one you turn to when you need someone. I'm sorry for wanting to talk to you. I'm sorry for you being ashamed of me. I'm sorry for wanting to be the one you think of when you hear a love story, a song with cute lyrics, &I'm sorry for wanting to be the one that pops into your head at random moments throughout the day. I'm sorry, for never being good enough for you."
Small World
Class : Hyperventilation 101
Teacher : Me
My gosh, out of a school of over 1500 people, the one person I never thought I’d see again, was of course, one of the first people that saw me.
+Jacob Michael Hoffman
Teacher : Me
My gosh, out of a school of over 1500 people, the one person I never thought I’d see again, was of course, one of the first people that saw me.
+Jacob Michael Hoffman
02 October 2011
My Side of the Story
In case anyone was wondering, this is what I have to say about it.
So before you go and call me a bad friend, accuse me of not trying hard enough, not reaching out to the other person, and telling me that I'm the one doing everything wrong, read this. Talk to me about it.
But don't EVER tell me that it's all my fault.
There are two people in every friendship. One person may do something wrong, but it takes BOTH people to stop talking to each other. It takes BOTH people for a friendship to fall apart. NOT ONE. NOT ME. BOTH OF US.
So before you go and start taking sides, you've heard hers... Now listen to mine.
So, I had this friend, we'll call her Sam for all intensive purposes.
Sam and I were really good friends. I don't know if I would say that we were best friends, because I haven't had a best friend since middle school. But we were definitely really close. I would tell her 95% of the things that were going on in my life, I would tell her the things that made me mad, stupid things that happened at work, and everything else that seemed to hold any importance to me at all.
We would talk for hours and never really run out of things to talk about. We would hang out every single day of the week, even if it were only for an hour some days, to ALL day other days of the week. We could sit together in the car and not talk, and be completely okay with the silence. She was the most comfortable with someone I had been in a very long time. So as soon as I let myself get attached to a friend, I hold on with everything inside of me. Which is exactly what happened.
We would spend every day together, and there was always something new to talk about, or something we could do together. We were practically sisters, and I loved that. I hadn't had that in so long, and to have the feeling back was like I'd found a part of me that had been lost for ages.
So this guy from work, let's call him... John. When Sam and John started talking, it was totally cool. I was so happy for her. She had finally found a guy that seemed like a good guy. Hell, I'm still happy for her. If she's happy, then I'm happy for her. I'm not saying it to make me seem less 'mean', I'm saying it because it's true. It's who I am.
So when Sam and John started talking, I was happy for them... Until I started to lose my best friend to this guy that she had only been talking to for a few days. Now, before you go and start judging, let me clarify. We spent literally, EVERY DAY together. And then she starts spending more time with this seemingly random guy. I get it, you get attention from a guy, you want to give him a chance, I do it too. But it's hard when you spend so much time with someone, and then all of the sudden you have to start sharing that little bit of time with someone else, which takes limited time with said person to an even lower amount of time you get to spend with said person.
So, yes. I was getting mad about the fact that she was spending more time with him, and less with me. But I got over that. Sharing, I get it. You have to have it to live. Fine, Awesome, Whatever. I'm over it.
But then, Sam started spending less and less time with me. I would text her every day asking her if she wanted to do something, and it was always a no.
"I can't today."
"No, I already have plans."
"I'm already doing something."
Ar first I took it with a grain of salt. I let it slide. Until that's all I started getting from her every time I texted her. I got the picture, that's for sure. Loud and clear. So I stopped texting her always trying to hang out with her when clearly she no longer wanted to make time for me. I figured she'd text me when she decided to talk to me again, and start being my friend again.
It never happened.
So, I made new friends. I've started talking to my old friends. I've gotten the chance to catch up with friends that I haven't seen in years, and it's all thanks to my little friendship break with Sam.
Is it great to be able to make new friends? Absolutely!
Is it nice being able to see the friends that I haven't talked to in years? You have no idea!
Is it nice losing one of your closest friends, just because a guy came into the picture? It's the worst feeling in the world.
I feel it's necessary to explain at this point, that I have a tumblr that I get on every day and post way too many pictures that I find from sites that apply to my life all too well. Half of the pictures are pieces of photography or art work that I find extremely inspiring and exactly what I want to do with my life. The other half are pictures with quotes &sayings on them that sum up my life in 20 words or less. They aren't ever meant for any one particular person, because when something happens, there's a 100% chance it has happened before. So when I see that one quote that somehow applies to my life at all, I post it to my tumblr.
Now, knowing that, I posted a picture on my tumblr that said something along the lines of, "Hey, remember me? Yeah, we were friends when we were single."
Keep in mind that I don't post pictures with any ONE person in mind. I have had so many friends in life that have dropped me like last season's fashions more times in my life than I can count, so when I saw this quote, of course I was going to post it. Sam read it and took it as a personal blow, which it was not meant to be.
So, I posted this picture on my tumblr, Sam saw it, and from there, all Hell broke lose. NOT what I wanted to happen. To me, it was just another picture that has applied to me my whole life. I have always been the friend that gets ditched when a guy comes into the picture. I've always been the best friend, until something better comes along. &then when things go South with the guy, I'm ALWAYS the friend that they run back to. I've always been the shoulder to cry on. I've always been the friend that has been ditched for the guy, and has been expected to still be there at the end of the day when they need someone to vent to. &Silly me, that's who I've always been.
To be frank, I'm getting tired of being THAT friend. Yes, I will always be a friend to those who need one, and I will always be a shoulder to cry on for those who don't have anyone else to turn to.
But at the same time, I will no longer be the second choice for a friend, just because SOME GUY has showed the least bit of interest in them.
I've been that friend my whole life. &After almost 19 years of it, it's getting really old.
So, I posted that picture just as another, "Oh hey look, yet another picture that sums up that part of my life. Cool."
Sam took it as a personal blow, which is understandable seeing as how rocky our friendship had been lately. YES, that part is my fault. I wasn't thinking about it, so I will gladly take the blame for that. &I hate to say it, but I think that was the thing that pushed this whole thing over the edge. We had a falling out a few times before, but me posting this, unconsciously, was the reason we are where we are now.
But is it all my fault? Hardly. As I said earlier, I texted her every day for nearly a week and a half suggesting we do something, just to be shot down. Every single time. &At a certain point, you can only take so much rejection from one person before you're bound to move on. &I had reached that point. I was sick of being the one to initiate it every day, and be told NO in a different way every time. &It's one of those things, even if she had, just once, said "Hey, I can't today but, maybe Tuesday" or something along those lines. Even with a no, I think people should give an alternative route. Especially after turning someone down more than two times in a row.
I mean, common sense. Put yourself in my shoes. If you asked anyone to do something, and got shot down every single time, at what point would you stop trying? You wouldn't be the one to wait around forever, I can guarantee you that. &Neither am I.
I had spent the past few weeks spending every day with Sam, and all of the sudden, she was hardly talking to me. Awesome. Cool. I lost a friend. Well, I guess it's time to find a new one since the one I had previously referred to as my best friend no longer had room in her life for me.
So that's just what I did. I found a friend in, let's call her... Lauren.
So Lauren and I started talking, and Sam and I stopped.
And then I notice that on her tumblr page, of which I still follow, said something along the lines of blaming me for the fact that when a guy comes into her life, her friendships fall apart. And she is saying that it's my fault for making it 'suck' for her, when I didn't do anything to make it suck. And first of all, since when in your happiness in the hands of other people. If you want to be happy, then be. There will always be those in the world that will want to see you fail, but honey, I'm not one of them. I'm honest and sarcastic. You have gotten very good at ignoring it, so why is this any different?! Don't even start blaming me for you not having any friends. I tried, and tried, and tried, to find time for us to hang out. But at some point, everyone is going to write it off as a lost cause and move on. &That is exactly what I did. You weren't being a friend to me, so I went and found someone who would.
I found a new friend, and you have your boyfriend. I have friends outside of work, and you have your boyfriend. I have time for me, and time for each and every one of my friends, and you have your boyfriend. Congratulations, we're so extremely opposite.
Do I want the friendship I had with Sam to be over? Of course not! I hate looking back on times knowing how it ended because of one little thing. I hate it when friendships end over a stupid fight when it's something as trivial as learning how to balance your time. I hate losing friends. It sucks. Even after the amount of friends that I've lost, it still hurts. &It's hard, getting close to someone and losing them. Knowing they hold your secrets, the things you don't advertise, they know your past, they know the parts of you that nobody else knows, and yet, they're gone. For now, forever, no one ever really knows for how long. Or if you'll ever get that person back.
Okay, moving on. As soon as Sam and John start dating, Sam informs me that John seems to think that I hate him. For whatever reason. Keep in mind that I have spoken to the kid like twice in my whole life, and that was ONLY because I knew he had a thing for my friend.
And now all of the sudden he thinks I hate him?! The hell?!
&You want to know what she has to say about it? Sam tells me that I need to prove to him that I don't have him.
Uhm, excuse me, FIRST OF ALL, he has absolutely no reason to think that I hate him. SECOND OF ALL, I will NOT prove something to someone that I hardly know, based on something that is premature and has no reasoning behind it. THIRD of all, I'm sorry if your new boyfriend doesn't understand sarcasm like a normal person, but that's me, and I won't apologize for who I am.
And now she's telling people at work why we aren't talking. To be frank, I think that's the dumbest thing ever. We aren't talking for a reason. A reason of which isn't the business of every single one of our coworkers. For reasons that are between she and I. For reasons that are of no concern to anyone that isn't her or me. And people at work are taking sides without hearing both sides of the story.
I have a story to tell from my perspective. She has a story to tell from her perspective. Are they going to be the same? Of course not, they never are. We're different people with different outlooks on a situation.
People ask me what I did wrong. People ask me what she did wrong. I tell her that it's not entirely any one person's fault. It takes two people to make a friendship. It takes two people to make a friendship WORK. We have both failed at the latter. We have BOTH stopped trying to make it work. We have both done things wrong. We have both been in the wrong in one way or another.
You ask me what I did? I'll tell you I didn't do any one thing to make it fall apart.
You ask me what she did? I'll tell you it isn't entirely her fault.
You tell me that's a mature response? Not really, it's the truth.
I see no reason to blame it all on one person when the blame belongs on each of us equally. We have failed each other as friends.
AND NO, IT'S NONE OF YOUR EFFING BUSINESS
&No, I'm not going to go around telling people this because it's not their business, &the amount of people reading this (if any at all) will be so slim it won't make any kind of difference anyways.
Basically, that's my side of the story. Are there other things that have happened in this that I have left out? Yes. This is my side of the story. There are things that have been left out, for whatever reason, and you don't need to know them. So before you go around placing the blame where blame shouldn't be, make sure you aren't taking a side that may or may not be entirely true. This is MY side of the story.
Bottom line of the story?
Everyone leaves. Everyone has left. I don't see the point anymore of getting close to people when all that's every gotten me is broken hearts, broken promises, and a broken me. I don't trust. I just don't. Every single person I have ever trusted in my life has left me, blamed me for problems, and told me I am worthless. That's why I don't deal with people. That's why I have few friends. People cause drama, and I'm so sick of it all. I just choose not to have friends. Am I friendly? Always, and I will be. People lie, steal, cheat, and blame. That's just people. I get it. But I'm so over the immaturity of those around me. I just choose to be a homebody instead and spend my nights in my bed reading books with characters that are nonexistent. They are easier to deal with than real people.
Just once in my life I want a friend, a guy, SOMEBODY to tell me that they won't leave, and actually prove it to me. I want someone to make me a promise and NOT break it. I want someone to chase me when I try to leave. I want someone to fight for me to stay in their life. I want ONE PERSON to prove to me that not every person that comes into my life is a total waste. I want one person in my life, to come and not every have the intention of leaving and proving yet again, that everyone leaves sooner or later. I want ONE person, to have the guts to stick around.
So before you go and call me a bad friend, accuse me of not trying hard enough, not reaching out to the other person, and telling me that I'm the one doing everything wrong, read this. Talk to me about it.
But don't EVER tell me that it's all my fault.
There are two people in every friendship. One person may do something wrong, but it takes BOTH people to stop talking to each other. It takes BOTH people for a friendship to fall apart. NOT ONE. NOT ME. BOTH OF US.
So before you go and start taking sides, you've heard hers... Now listen to mine.
So, I had this friend, we'll call her Sam for all intensive purposes.
Sam and I were really good friends. I don't know if I would say that we were best friends, because I haven't had a best friend since middle school. But we were definitely really close. I would tell her 95% of the things that were going on in my life, I would tell her the things that made me mad, stupid things that happened at work, and everything else that seemed to hold any importance to me at all.
We would talk for hours and never really run out of things to talk about. We would hang out every single day of the week, even if it were only for an hour some days, to ALL day other days of the week. We could sit together in the car and not talk, and be completely okay with the silence. She was the most comfortable with someone I had been in a very long time. So as soon as I let myself get attached to a friend, I hold on with everything inside of me. Which is exactly what happened.
We would spend every day together, and there was always something new to talk about, or something we could do together. We were practically sisters, and I loved that. I hadn't had that in so long, and to have the feeling back was like I'd found a part of me that had been lost for ages.
So this guy from work, let's call him... John. When Sam and John started talking, it was totally cool. I was so happy for her. She had finally found a guy that seemed like a good guy. Hell, I'm still happy for her. If she's happy, then I'm happy for her. I'm not saying it to make me seem less 'mean', I'm saying it because it's true. It's who I am.
So when Sam and John started talking, I was happy for them... Until I started to lose my best friend to this guy that she had only been talking to for a few days. Now, before you go and start judging, let me clarify. We spent literally, EVERY DAY together. And then she starts spending more time with this seemingly random guy. I get it, you get attention from a guy, you want to give him a chance, I do it too. But it's hard when you spend so much time with someone, and then all of the sudden you have to start sharing that little bit of time with someone else, which takes limited time with said person to an even lower amount of time you get to spend with said person.
So, yes. I was getting mad about the fact that she was spending more time with him, and less with me. But I got over that. Sharing, I get it. You have to have it to live. Fine, Awesome, Whatever. I'm over it.
But then, Sam started spending less and less time with me. I would text her every day asking her if she wanted to do something, and it was always a no.
"I can't today."
"No, I already have plans."
"I'm already doing something."
Ar first I took it with a grain of salt. I let it slide. Until that's all I started getting from her every time I texted her. I got the picture, that's for sure. Loud and clear. So I stopped texting her always trying to hang out with her when clearly she no longer wanted to make time for me. I figured she'd text me when she decided to talk to me again, and start being my friend again.
It never happened.
So, I made new friends. I've started talking to my old friends. I've gotten the chance to catch up with friends that I haven't seen in years, and it's all thanks to my little friendship break with Sam.
Is it great to be able to make new friends? Absolutely!
Is it nice being able to see the friends that I haven't talked to in years? You have no idea!
Is it nice losing one of your closest friends, just because a guy came into the picture? It's the worst feeling in the world.
I feel it's necessary to explain at this point, that I have a tumblr that I get on every day and post way too many pictures that I find from sites that apply to my life all too well. Half of the pictures are pieces of photography or art work that I find extremely inspiring and exactly what I want to do with my life. The other half are pictures with quotes &sayings on them that sum up my life in 20 words or less. They aren't ever meant for any one particular person, because when something happens, there's a 100% chance it has happened before. So when I see that one quote that somehow applies to my life at all, I post it to my tumblr.
Now, knowing that, I posted a picture on my tumblr that said something along the lines of, "Hey, remember me? Yeah, we were friends when we were single."
Keep in mind that I don't post pictures with any ONE person in mind. I have had so many friends in life that have dropped me like last season's fashions more times in my life than I can count, so when I saw this quote, of course I was going to post it. Sam read it and took it as a personal blow, which it was not meant to be.
So, I posted this picture on my tumblr, Sam saw it, and from there, all Hell broke lose. NOT what I wanted to happen. To me, it was just another picture that has applied to me my whole life. I have always been the friend that gets ditched when a guy comes into the picture. I've always been the best friend, until something better comes along. &then when things go South with the guy, I'm ALWAYS the friend that they run back to. I've always been the shoulder to cry on. I've always been the friend that has been ditched for the guy, and has been expected to still be there at the end of the day when they need someone to vent to. &Silly me, that's who I've always been.
To be frank, I'm getting tired of being THAT friend. Yes, I will always be a friend to those who need one, and I will always be a shoulder to cry on for those who don't have anyone else to turn to.
But at the same time, I will no longer be the second choice for a friend, just because SOME GUY has showed the least bit of interest in them.
I've been that friend my whole life. &After almost 19 years of it, it's getting really old.
So, I posted that picture just as another, "Oh hey look, yet another picture that sums up that part of my life. Cool."
Sam took it as a personal blow, which is understandable seeing as how rocky our friendship had been lately. YES, that part is my fault. I wasn't thinking about it, so I will gladly take the blame for that. &I hate to say it, but I think that was the thing that pushed this whole thing over the edge. We had a falling out a few times before, but me posting this, unconsciously, was the reason we are where we are now.
But is it all my fault? Hardly. As I said earlier, I texted her every day for nearly a week and a half suggesting we do something, just to be shot down. Every single time. &At a certain point, you can only take so much rejection from one person before you're bound to move on. &I had reached that point. I was sick of being the one to initiate it every day, and be told NO in a different way every time. &It's one of those things, even if she had, just once, said "Hey, I can't today but, maybe Tuesday" or something along those lines. Even with a no, I think people should give an alternative route. Especially after turning someone down more than two times in a row.
I mean, common sense. Put yourself in my shoes. If you asked anyone to do something, and got shot down every single time, at what point would you stop trying? You wouldn't be the one to wait around forever, I can guarantee you that. &Neither am I.
I had spent the past few weeks spending every day with Sam, and all of the sudden, she was hardly talking to me. Awesome. Cool. I lost a friend. Well, I guess it's time to find a new one since the one I had previously referred to as my best friend no longer had room in her life for me.
So that's just what I did. I found a friend in, let's call her... Lauren.
So Lauren and I started talking, and Sam and I stopped.
And then I notice that on her tumblr page, of which I still follow, said something along the lines of blaming me for the fact that when a guy comes into her life, her friendships fall apart. And she is saying that it's my fault for making it 'suck' for her, when I didn't do anything to make it suck. And first of all, since when in your happiness in the hands of other people. If you want to be happy, then be. There will always be those in the world that will want to see you fail, but honey, I'm not one of them. I'm honest and sarcastic. You have gotten very good at ignoring it, so why is this any different?! Don't even start blaming me for you not having any friends. I tried, and tried, and tried, to find time for us to hang out. But at some point, everyone is going to write it off as a lost cause and move on. &That is exactly what I did. You weren't being a friend to me, so I went and found someone who would.
I found a new friend, and you have your boyfriend. I have friends outside of work, and you have your boyfriend. I have time for me, and time for each and every one of my friends, and you have your boyfriend. Congratulations, we're so extremely opposite.
Do I want the friendship I had with Sam to be over? Of course not! I hate looking back on times knowing how it ended because of one little thing. I hate it when friendships end over a stupid fight when it's something as trivial as learning how to balance your time. I hate losing friends. It sucks. Even after the amount of friends that I've lost, it still hurts. &It's hard, getting close to someone and losing them. Knowing they hold your secrets, the things you don't advertise, they know your past, they know the parts of you that nobody else knows, and yet, they're gone. For now, forever, no one ever really knows for how long. Or if you'll ever get that person back.
Okay, moving on. As soon as Sam and John start dating, Sam informs me that John seems to think that I hate him. For whatever reason. Keep in mind that I have spoken to the kid like twice in my whole life, and that was ONLY because I knew he had a thing for my friend.
And now all of the sudden he thinks I hate him?! The hell?!
&You want to know what she has to say about it? Sam tells me that I need to prove to him that I don't have him.
Uhm, excuse me, FIRST OF ALL, he has absolutely no reason to think that I hate him. SECOND OF ALL, I will NOT prove something to someone that I hardly know, based on something that is premature and has no reasoning behind it. THIRD of all, I'm sorry if your new boyfriend doesn't understand sarcasm like a normal person, but that's me, and I won't apologize for who I am.
And now she's telling people at work why we aren't talking. To be frank, I think that's the dumbest thing ever. We aren't talking for a reason. A reason of which isn't the business of every single one of our coworkers. For reasons that are between she and I. For reasons that are of no concern to anyone that isn't her or me. And people at work are taking sides without hearing both sides of the story.
I have a story to tell from my perspective. She has a story to tell from her perspective. Are they going to be the same? Of course not, they never are. We're different people with different outlooks on a situation.
People ask me what I did wrong. People ask me what she did wrong. I tell her that it's not entirely any one person's fault. It takes two people to make a friendship. It takes two people to make a friendship WORK. We have both failed at the latter. We have BOTH stopped trying to make it work. We have both done things wrong. We have both been in the wrong in one way or another.
You ask me what I did? I'll tell you I didn't do any one thing to make it fall apart.
You ask me what she did? I'll tell you it isn't entirely her fault.
You tell me that's a mature response? Not really, it's the truth.
I see no reason to blame it all on one person when the blame belongs on each of us equally. We have failed each other as friends.
AND NO, IT'S NONE OF YOUR EFFING BUSINESS
&No, I'm not going to go around telling people this because it's not their business, &the amount of people reading this (if any at all) will be so slim it won't make any kind of difference anyways.
Basically, that's my side of the story. Are there other things that have happened in this that I have left out? Yes. This is my side of the story. There are things that have been left out, for whatever reason, and you don't need to know them. So before you go around placing the blame where blame shouldn't be, make sure you aren't taking a side that may or may not be entirely true. This is MY side of the story.
Bottom line of the story?
Everyone leaves. Everyone has left. I don't see the point anymore of getting close to people when all that's every gotten me is broken hearts, broken promises, and a broken me. I don't trust. I just don't. Every single person I have ever trusted in my life has left me, blamed me for problems, and told me I am worthless. That's why I don't deal with people. That's why I have few friends. People cause drama, and I'm so sick of it all. I just choose not to have friends. Am I friendly? Always, and I will be. People lie, steal, cheat, and blame. That's just people. I get it. But I'm so over the immaturity of those around me. I just choose to be a homebody instead and spend my nights in my bed reading books with characters that are nonexistent. They are easier to deal with than real people.
Just once in my life I want a friend, a guy, SOMEBODY to tell me that they won't leave, and actually prove it to me. I want someone to make me a promise and NOT break it. I want someone to chase me when I try to leave. I want someone to fight for me to stay in their life. I want ONE PERSON to prove to me that not every person that comes into my life is a total waste. I want one person in my life, to come and not every have the intention of leaving and proving yet again, that everyone leaves sooner or later. I want ONE person, to have the guts to stick around.
30 September 2011
Backwards
Note to Reader: Before you read this, just know. None of these references are about any one person. They are all just referring to observations that I have made over the past couple of months that keep proving true.
Why is it that things in life are always backwards?
The ones we adore are the ones that ignore us, yet the ones that we ignore are the ones that adore us.
The ones we love couldn't care less, and we couldn't care less about those that love us.
The people with the biggest hearts suffer the most heartaches and get treated the worst, and those who take everything for granted are the ones that get everything handed to them and have the world at the tips of their fingers...?
There are so many amazing people in my life, but when I sit down with them and talk to them, and we start to swap stories about the good things in life, the heartache, the way things have turned out, there's always one consistency. Those who thank God every night for what they're blessed for, and ask Him every morning for the day to be a good one, are the ones that get used, walked over, made fun of, taken advantage of, and mistreated. They are the ones who get the bad guys to treat them well until they get what they want from him/her, and they are the ones left out at the end of the day with nothing left.
Yet when I look around me, those who have so much going for them, good looks (but a rotten personality under it all), more friends than they know what to do with, and take everything for granted, are the ones that get the most. They're the ones who get the good guys to fall for them, they're the ones with the best clothes, and they're the ones who never seem to have a dull moment.
The girls with the biggest hearts and are always willing to put their heart on the line for a guy, are always the ones who land the biggest jerks, who get played all the time, and are the ones that fall hardest for the guys that never treat them right. &They're the ones who, even at the end of a day when nothing has gone the way they wanted, they're still smiling.
Yet those who are rude to everyone and take what they have for granted, are the ones that land the good guys in life, who have a great family, an amazing support system behind them, and have people who would do anything for them, are the ones who always make it seem like they have the worst life. They over dramatize all of the nonsense. They make the smallest things out to be the biggest, the guy who didn't say hi to them is made to be the end of the world, and when someone says something to them in a 'tone' they think it's acceptable to throw a fit.
Why is it, that those who are honestly thankful for what they have, and wouldn't trade anything, no matter how bad things may seem, are the ones that work the hardest for what they have, and still make it out at the end of the day with little?
Why is it that those who take life for granted and think the world should be handed to them on a silver platter, are always the ones who land the best guys in life, have the best family and have everything going for them, always the ones that make it seem to the world as though their life is absolutely terrible?
Those in life who truly need a break, never get it, but go on without complaint. &Those who have all of the time in the world, can waste their whole day, and still complain that they need a break.
Those who bend to the point of breaking are the ones who manage to still be able to hold it all together at the end of the day when the world would understand if they broke down. Those who have nothing to worry about complain about the smallest bit of stress on their plate and claim they are going to lose it if one more thing goes wrong in even the smallest way.
Maybe it's just me, but I think that's wrong. I get it, those who have been to hell and back and are still alive are going to be more thankful for the things they have. Versus those who have had it all their whole lives and don't know any different.
But really? KARMA. At what point in life does all of the good stuff start paying off and all of the bad stuff come around to bite people in the butt?
Just an observation... Maybe you agree, maybe you don't. It doesn't matter. Either way, this is the way I see it.
Why is it that things in life are always backwards?
The ones we adore are the ones that ignore us, yet the ones that we ignore are the ones that adore us.
The ones we love couldn't care less, and we couldn't care less about those that love us.
The people with the biggest hearts suffer the most heartaches and get treated the worst, and those who take everything for granted are the ones that get everything handed to them and have the world at the tips of their fingers...?
There are so many amazing people in my life, but when I sit down with them and talk to them, and we start to swap stories about the good things in life, the heartache, the way things have turned out, there's always one consistency. Those who thank God every night for what they're blessed for, and ask Him every morning for the day to be a good one, are the ones that get used, walked over, made fun of, taken advantage of, and mistreated. They are the ones who get the bad guys to treat them well until they get what they want from him/her, and they are the ones left out at the end of the day with nothing left.
Yet when I look around me, those who have so much going for them, good looks (but a rotten personality under it all), more friends than they know what to do with, and take everything for granted, are the ones that get the most. They're the ones who get the good guys to fall for them, they're the ones with the best clothes, and they're the ones who never seem to have a dull moment.
The girls with the biggest hearts and are always willing to put their heart on the line for a guy, are always the ones who land the biggest jerks, who get played all the time, and are the ones that fall hardest for the guys that never treat them right. &They're the ones who, even at the end of a day when nothing has gone the way they wanted, they're still smiling.
Yet those who are rude to everyone and take what they have for granted, are the ones that land the good guys in life, who have a great family, an amazing support system behind them, and have people who would do anything for them, are the ones who always make it seem like they have the worst life. They over dramatize all of the nonsense. They make the smallest things out to be the biggest, the guy who didn't say hi to them is made to be the end of the world, and when someone says something to them in a 'tone' they think it's acceptable to throw a fit.
Why is it, that those who are honestly thankful for what they have, and wouldn't trade anything, no matter how bad things may seem, are the ones that work the hardest for what they have, and still make it out at the end of the day with little?
Why is it that those who take life for granted and think the world should be handed to them on a silver platter, are always the ones who land the best guys in life, have the best family and have everything going for them, always the ones that make it seem to the world as though their life is absolutely terrible?
Those in life who truly need a break, never get it, but go on without complaint. &Those who have all of the time in the world, can waste their whole day, and still complain that they need a break.
Those who bend to the point of breaking are the ones who manage to still be able to hold it all together at the end of the day when the world would understand if they broke down. Those who have nothing to worry about complain about the smallest bit of stress on their plate and claim they are going to lose it if one more thing goes wrong in even the smallest way.
Maybe it's just me, but I think that's wrong. I get it, those who have been to hell and back and are still alive are going to be more thankful for the things they have. Versus those who have had it all their whole lives and don't know any different.
But really? KARMA. At what point in life does all of the good stuff start paying off and all of the bad stuff come around to bite people in the butt?
Just an observation... Maybe you agree, maybe you don't. It doesn't matter. Either way, this is the way I see it.
26 September 2011
25 September 2011
Life Life Life
Let’s see…
Next pay day, I’m going to get my telephoto lens(: For my birthday I’m getting a photoshop/lightroom combo pack! &I’m taking pictures all of the time.
Amazing the things you realize when you’re truly happy. The other day I went to the Memorial Skate Park to take pictures of the guys there, and I was having such a good time, without needing to scream with or to people, no car dancing, no needing to impress others… Just me, my camera, (Nicki of course!) and blank canvas of possibilities in front of my eyes for hours. That, to me, is my complete and utter happy spot. If I could spend the rest of my life with my camera in my hand, a good friend by my side, surrounded my people who are genuinely happy, and the world in front of me just waiting to see what I’ll do with it, my life would be complete. I wouldn’t need anything else. Ever.
Next pay day, I’m going to get my telephoto lens(: For my birthday I’m getting a photoshop/lightroom combo pack! &I’m taking pictures all of the time.
Amazing the things you realize when you’re truly happy. The other day I went to the Memorial Skate Park to take pictures of the guys there, and I was having such a good time, without needing to scream with or to people, no car dancing, no needing to impress others… Just me, my camera, (Nicki of course!) and blank canvas of possibilities in front of my eyes for hours. That, to me, is my complete and utter happy spot. If I could spend the rest of my life with my camera in my hand, a good friend by my side, surrounded my people who are genuinely happy, and the world in front of me just waiting to see what I’ll do with it, my life would be complete. I wouldn’t need anything else. Ever.
23 September 2011
Epiphany
I'm more secure and confident in myself when I know that someone hates me.
I hate not knowing if someone is mad at me, or thinking they are but not knowing why.
I like knowing that someone is mad at me. It just eases the mind.
I hate not knowing if someone is mad at me, or thinking they are but not knowing why.
I like knowing that someone is mad at me. It just eases the mind.
Current Day Society &The Flaws That Go With It
Don't you love it when society goes from confronting someone face to face, all the way down to technologically attacking each other? But then face to face denying to the person it's about, that it's actually about them.
Baby doll, I am calm. Completely calm, cool, and collected. You're no longer in my life, because apparently to you, having a boyfriend justifies ditching all of your friends. Well, I'm not the kind of person to sit back and let you walk all over me just so in the end you can come running back to me. I may not always know what I want, what I deserve, or anything about life, but I do know when someone is using me and just expects things out of me, that I'm not okay with.
You've never seen me truly riled up. So before you go and TELL me to calm down, you might want to check yourself first.
&Before you go and start blaming me for this 'sucking' for you, why don't you take a look around. Do you see me anywhere in your life anymore? No. Your happiness is not my problem. You are responsible for your own happiness and sorrow. If you were truly happy, you'd ignore my nonexistent snide remarks just like you used to. You wouldn't get mad about me being sarcastic, or me not talking to him.
Well excuse me for not giving him a reason to think I hate him, and there is no way in HELL that I will be 'proving' to him anytime soon that I don't hate him. He has no reason to believe that. I've never talked to him in my life. And I won't be 'proving' anything to anybody any time soon. As soon as I start to care that random people think I hate them for absolutely no fucking reason, I'll let you know. Until then, SHUT UP about it. Gosh.
You are just so full of bullshit. You put yourself in these spots in life, not me. Don't blame me for something when I have nothing to do with it. You want to be happy? THEN BE. Ignore me. Let me leave your life without starting stupid drama. People come and go. Apparently I was only there for a season, not a year. So be it. Whatever. I'm over it. I have new friends. I'm good at making them. But if you're going to let something as trivial as a BOY tear us apart, apparently what you thought was a 'great friendship' wasn't so great after all.
&It's not me causing all of this. Have you ever thought that tumblr is for posting pictures. Do you ever just see a picture and you're like, "Dude, this is my life in an icon. How sad is that?!" I do, all of the time. Hense the hundreds of pictures on my tumblr. Just because there's one that's on there that might have the slightest resemblance to you, does NOT mean it's about you.
Just because you're self conscious about something, doesn't mean that the world is out to get you. We were friends. You got a boyfriend. Now we're not. That's all it is. Let it be &just move on.
I don't feel obligated to be your friend when you're just going to treat me like I don't exist when you are with him. Not gonna fly, sweetie. I've moved on, now it's your turn.
Bottom line. If you're not happy, how about you look inward for the problem, instead of just blaming it all on me when I have nothing to do with it. You make or break your own happiness. We haven't talked in weeks. How in the Hell could this be even slightly my fault?! When you figure out how to balance a guy and a 'friend' let me know, then we can reevaluate this situation. Until then, I'll be having fun with friends who enjoy actually hanging out with me.
&Why am I saying this over blogspot instead of to your face, you ask? Because I haven't see you in weeks. "Best Friends" my ass. Stop blaming me for your 'unhappiness.'
&Just for the record, no, that wasn't about you. It was a picture that has applied to me my whole life. Just because it also works for you, doesn't mean it's ABOUT you. It's true for 99% of my life, and you just happen to fall into that percentage. Get over yourself.
Baby doll, I am calm. Completely calm, cool, and collected. You're no longer in my life, because apparently to you, having a boyfriend justifies ditching all of your friends. Well, I'm not the kind of person to sit back and let you walk all over me just so in the end you can come running back to me. I may not always know what I want, what I deserve, or anything about life, but I do know when someone is using me and just expects things out of me, that I'm not okay with.
You've never seen me truly riled up. So before you go and TELL me to calm down, you might want to check yourself first.
&Before you go and start blaming me for this 'sucking' for you, why don't you take a look around. Do you see me anywhere in your life anymore? No. Your happiness is not my problem. You are responsible for your own happiness and sorrow. If you were truly happy, you'd ignore my nonexistent snide remarks just like you used to. You wouldn't get mad about me being sarcastic, or me not talking to him.
Well excuse me for not giving him a reason to think I hate him, and there is no way in HELL that I will be 'proving' to him anytime soon that I don't hate him. He has no reason to believe that. I've never talked to him in my life. And I won't be 'proving' anything to anybody any time soon. As soon as I start to care that random people think I hate them for absolutely no fucking reason, I'll let you know. Until then, SHUT UP about it. Gosh.
You are just so full of bullshit. You put yourself in these spots in life, not me. Don't blame me for something when I have nothing to do with it. You want to be happy? THEN BE. Ignore me. Let me leave your life without starting stupid drama. People come and go. Apparently I was only there for a season, not a year. So be it. Whatever. I'm over it. I have new friends. I'm good at making them. But if you're going to let something as trivial as a BOY tear us apart, apparently what you thought was a 'great friendship' wasn't so great after all.
&It's not me causing all of this. Have you ever thought that tumblr is for posting pictures. Do you ever just see a picture and you're like, "Dude, this is my life in an icon. How sad is that?!" I do, all of the time. Hense the hundreds of pictures on my tumblr. Just because there's one that's on there that might have the slightest resemblance to you, does NOT mean it's about you.
Just because you're self conscious about something, doesn't mean that the world is out to get you. We were friends. You got a boyfriend. Now we're not. That's all it is. Let it be &just move on.
I don't feel obligated to be your friend when you're just going to treat me like I don't exist when you are with him. Not gonna fly, sweetie. I've moved on, now it's your turn.
Bottom line. If you're not happy, how about you look inward for the problem, instead of just blaming it all on me when I have nothing to do with it. You make or break your own happiness. We haven't talked in weeks. How in the Hell could this be even slightly my fault?! When you figure out how to balance a guy and a 'friend' let me know, then we can reevaluate this situation. Until then, I'll be having fun with friends who enjoy actually hanging out with me.
&Why am I saying this over blogspot instead of to your face, you ask? Because I haven't see you in weeks. "Best Friends" my ass. Stop blaming me for your 'unhappiness.'
&Just for the record, no, that wasn't about you. It was a picture that has applied to me my whole life. Just because it also works for you, doesn't mean it's ABOUT you. It's true for 99% of my life, and you just happen to fall into that percentage. Get over yourself.
22 September 2011
The Hypocracy in all of Us.
I want to be the one others trust. I don't know how to trust.
I want people to come to me for help. I hate asking others for help.
I want to be friends with everyone. I hate it when my friends make other friends.
I like having guy friends. I hate it when the guy I like has girl friends.
I hate it when people are rude to me. I'm sarcastic because it's a sneaky way to tell the truth.
I love it when people vent to me. I HATE venting to people.
I want to be the best friend, the ONLY friend they turn to. I have a million friends, that I never turn to for anything.
I judge others before I know them. I hate being judged prior to people getting to know me.
I'm a hypocrite. I don't want to be, but I am. THE BIGGEST. It's sad, really.
I want people to come to me for help. I hate asking others for help.
I want to be friends with everyone. I hate it when my friends make other friends.
I like having guy friends. I hate it when the guy I like has girl friends.
I hate it when people are rude to me. I'm sarcastic because it's a sneaky way to tell the truth.
I love it when people vent to me. I HATE venting to people.
I want to be the best friend, the ONLY friend they turn to. I have a million friends, that I never turn to for anything.
I judge others before I know them. I hate being judged prior to people getting to know me.
I'm a hypocrite. I don't want to be, but I am. THE BIGGEST. It's sad, really.
21 September 2011
Best Friends
It's a title, not a promise.
&It's a title that no one can seem to hold onto anymore.
I guess I'm just better off on my own. Good thing I don't depend on others for my own happiness, because if I did, I would be fucking suicidal by this point. Ha
Best Friends. It's a ten letter lie.
&It's a title that no one can seem to hold onto anymore.
I guess I'm just better off on my own. Good thing I don't depend on others for my own happiness, because if I did, I would be fucking suicidal by this point. Ha
Best Friends. It's a ten letter lie.
16 September 2011
Figure Yourself Out
Don’t ever tell me that I’m overreacting. Maybe to you, I’m making more of it than necessary. But this is me. I overreact to the small things in life, because to me, the smallest things are the things that end up meaning the most in life.
Don’t ever make me your second choice. Odds are, you’re my first, and I’m not the settling type.
Break the rules, NOT laws. Broken rules make for life changing stories.
Don’t give up on someone just because they screwed up once. No matter how badly they may have done you wrong, everyone has bad days. Even you.
Don’t hate people you don’t know. They could be fighting something that is trying to end their life. Smile and take them for who they are. You don’t like them? That’s fine, but don’t expect those around you to hate them as well.
Find a little beauty in everything around you, even when people say there is none. There always is, but sometimes it’s deeper than the surface.
Apparently ‘friendship’ means something different to me than other my age... Maybe that’s why I don’t keep friends for very long.
I’m better at being on my own, than dealing with the stress and drama of others. I’m good with a carefree life and not having to deal with others’ bullshit.
Don’t ever make me your second choice. Odds are, you’re my first, and I’m not the settling type.
Break the rules, NOT laws. Broken rules make for life changing stories.
Don’t give up on someone just because they screwed up once. No matter how badly they may have done you wrong, everyone has bad days. Even you.
Don’t hate people you don’t know. They could be fighting something that is trying to end their life. Smile and take them for who they are. You don’t like them? That’s fine, but don’t expect those around you to hate them as well.
Find a little beauty in everything around you, even when people say there is none. There always is, but sometimes it’s deeper than the surface.
Apparently ‘friendship’ means something different to me than other my age... Maybe that’s why I don’t keep friends for very long.
I’m better at being on my own, than dealing with the stress and drama of others. I’m good with a carefree life and not having to deal with others’ bullshit.
Be the Bigger Person
Always be the first to apologize, no matter the situation. Any relationship is more important than your ego.
Laugh when you should cry. It shows people how strong you really are, even when they would understand if you broke down right then and there.
Do what makes you happy, no matter what others say. Because in the end, you’re the only one that has to deal with what you did and didn’t do to impress others.
Take too many pictures. Some day they’ll be your only type of time machine left.
Be confident in who you are. Don’t be so narcissistic that it alienates the people around you.
Be friendly, but don’t be a pushover.
Know when to stand up for what you believe in. Know when it’s okay to be quiet.
Don’t judge what you don’t know. Get to know someone before you claim you ‘hate’ them.
Watch what you say to who. One thing that makes one person laugh, could drive another to tears.
Take chances. You’ll be more disappointed in yourself for things you didn’t do than those few that you did.
Be careful, but don’t be afraid to get out of your comfort zone once in a while.
Say what you mean and mean what you say. Always.
Guard you heart. Those that truly want in, won’t stop trying to break through your walls/
Let go of those that hold you back.
Ignore the stupid comments of others. Odds are they’re jealous or don’t know the truth.
Always find the good in people. Even when all you’ve heard is bad.
Never lose faith in who you are and where you’re headed, no matter what anybody else has to say.
Make more friends than enemies.
There will always be people who dislike you. When they do, make sure they have a reason to.
Like people for what you find in their heart, not what you see on the surface.
If you don’t care, don’t pretend that you do.
Don’t wish bad for people. If it’s meant to be, then karma will find them.
Live your life for you. You’re the only one that can change things, you’re the only one that matters. If you can’t live your life for yourself, then why are you living at all?
Laugh when you should cry. It shows people how strong you really are, even when they would understand if you broke down right then and there.
Do what makes you happy, no matter what others say. Because in the end, you’re the only one that has to deal with what you did and didn’t do to impress others.
Take too many pictures. Some day they’ll be your only type of time machine left.
Be confident in who you are. Don’t be so narcissistic that it alienates the people around you.
Be friendly, but don’t be a pushover.
Know when to stand up for what you believe in. Know when it’s okay to be quiet.
Don’t judge what you don’t know. Get to know someone before you claim you ‘hate’ them.
Watch what you say to who. One thing that makes one person laugh, could drive another to tears.
Take chances. You’ll be more disappointed in yourself for things you didn’t do than those few that you did.
Be careful, but don’t be afraid to get out of your comfort zone once in a while.
Say what you mean and mean what you say. Always.
Guard you heart. Those that truly want in, won’t stop trying to break through your walls/
Let go of those that hold you back.
Ignore the stupid comments of others. Odds are they’re jealous or don’t know the truth.
Always find the good in people. Even when all you’ve heard is bad.
Never lose faith in who you are and where you’re headed, no matter what anybody else has to say.
Make more friends than enemies.
There will always be people who dislike you. When they do, make sure they have a reason to.
Like people for what you find in their heart, not what you see on the surface.
If you don’t care, don’t pretend that you do.
Don’t wish bad for people. If it’s meant to be, then karma will find them.
Live your life for you. You’re the only one that can change things, you’re the only one that matters. If you can’t live your life for yourself, then why are you living at all?
14 September 2011
Note to the Unknown Reader
I don’t want to tell you my problems. Don’t force them out of me.
Don’t blame me for finally telling you what’s really on my mind. Suck it up &take it.
You think I’m mad, I say I’m not. Deal with the answer &move on.
When I tell you what’s on my mind, don’t pity me. Just sit there and pretend to listen.
People say they’re not made to date. I’m not made to date or have friends.
I don’t know what the word ‘trust’ means. &There’s a 99% chance I don’t have it for you.
I don’t want/need a boyfriend. I just want someone who will lay with me for hours ¬ have to say anything.
I hate most people. You’re no exception.
My highs are higher than yours. But my lows are much lower.
Don’t judge me before you know me. You WILL be wrong.
I’m sarcastic, I don’t lie.
I’m not mean, I’m just more honest than most people.
I love laughing. You won’t be able to tell the difference between the fake one &the real thing..
I want a relationship, but I DON’T KNOW HOW to be in a relationship.
I want a true friendship, but I DON’T KNOW HOW to be at true friend.
Things piss me off. All the time. &I won’t ever let you hear the end of it.
Don’t blame me for one thing, when that’s not the reasoning behind it.
“Put on your big girl panties, and get over it.” Yes, PLEASE.
I want forever. I know forever is a lie.
I’m a mess of emotions. Can’t handle it? Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
I want you to fight for me. Show me that you want me in your life. Even when I do everything I can to push you away.
I like having guy friends more than girl friends. I hate making new friends.
I say what I mean &I mean what I say. I don't say it for reassurance from you or so that you'll contradict me. I say it because I MEAN IT.
“Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to thin the sun shines out of your ass.”
Don’t try to make me do things. Ask me nicely.
Don’t expect me to dress up for you. I’ll do it if I want to.
I hate staying at home. I’m a homebody.
I won’t tell you how I feel about you. I expect you to tell me exactly how you feel about me.
Don’t judge me based on what you see once, what someone who hates me has to say about me, what you overhear me saying to someone, or what I wear once in my life. I can’t be summed up, not can I be taken seriously for once. I’m a walking joke, a world class hypocrite, and an overly honest person. Can’t take it, no ones stopping you from leaving &you wouldn’t be the first person to do it. I’m screwed up. For many reason. Reasons that you’ll probably never know. No one sticks around long enough to find out. I laugh too loud, I’m too emotional, I’m strong when I should be weak and I cry when I should be sucking it up. I attack when I’m hiding what I’m really feeling, and I take all of the crap when I don’t want to fight. I have no fucking idea what I want out of life, who I am, or anything else of any importance. I’m a mess. That’s the bottom line. I hate my life &odds are I hate you. Goodbye and goodnight.
12 September 2011
Get Mad For Once in Your Pathetic Life.
Yell at the top of your lungs. Scream at someone. Not have to hold back the tears until you’re alone. Tell them what you mean, and mean what you’re saying.
Do you ever just want to be 100% honest with the people around you, and not have to worry about whether or not they’ll still be your friend afterwards?
I do. All the time.
Just once, I wish I could be so riled up and not think twice about saying what I feel. Just one, being able to scream in their face and know that they won’t get offended, or even if they do, they’ll come back with something besides the usual comment that makes you seem like you’re the bad guy for actually feeling something?
Do you ever wish that you didn’t feel inferior to those around you? Like for once, you would have a story that they would all be WANTING to hear, instead of always being the one on the sidelines listening to the stories being told?
Do you ever wish you didn’t have to cry yourself to sleep, because your pillow is the only person/thing that really knows how you’re always feeling? The one thing you never feel obligated to hide anything from. You hug it when you’re happy, you smile and laugh, it’s your shoulder to cry on when life seems to be crumbling down.
Do you ever just wish, you could run away from everything? Just pack up and leave whenever you feel like it? Just be able to get away from reality & maybe even get a new one? Do you ever find yourself wishing you knew different people, and not the ones you currently know?
Do you ever wish that things were… different? Honest? REAL?
11 September 2011
Walking Flaw
I take things for what they aren’t.
I over exaggerate everything.
I over analyze basically every situation.
I read too much into things.
I find flaws in everything around me before I find the beauty.
I laugh too loud.
I’m too sarcastic.
I come across as rude to people I don’t know.
I find reasons to hate people because my friends hate them.
I judge people before I know them.
I’m a world class hypocrite.
I judge others for the same flaws that I have.
I don’t know what I want out of life.
I want change but at the same time the thought of it terrifies me.
I have gotten so used to covering up what I really feel, I don’t know how to feel what I feel.
I want people to trust me, even if I don’t trust them.
I retract myself from those around me when the smallest things don’t go the way I want them to.
I hate it when my friends get boyfriends.
All I want at this point is to get out of this town and meet new people.
I suck at staying in touch with people.
I twist things around to they are in my favor.
I hate my job, but I’m too lazy to look for another one.
I don’t like a lot of girls.
I have been told that I come across as abrasive.
I hate the fact that the previous statement has happened more than once.
I know the kind of person that I want to be, I just don’t know HOW.
I don’t see flaws in anyone but myself.
I have low self esteem, but talking to me, most wouldn’t think so.
I’m always afraid of being judged for the things I do, say or how I look.
I suck at being a good friend.
I don’t know how to have friends, keep friends, or be a friend.
I’m a homebody and like spending time alone.
I find it easier to keep a smile on my face than to explain what’s really wrong.
I don’t know how to show my real emotions anymore.
I’ve spent my whole life being strong for those around me, I don’t really know anymore how to be weak.
I believe in love, but I often doubt love believes in me.
I’ve lost the brutally honest person that I used to be. I miss being that person.
I’ve tried so hard to mold myself to the people around me, I’ve lost myself in the process.
Music always manages to say the things I can’t.
I’ve learned to live vicariously through those around me.
I can’t wait to move out and get my own place just so that I can decorate it the way I want to and not have to worry about others having a choice in it.
I want to be hugged and have it last more than 2 seconds.
I am the most insecure and clueless person you will meet.
I don’t want a ‘prince charming.’ I just want someone who will love me at my best and my worst.
I hate being around people that are overly negative.
I want people to look at me and think, ‘wow, she’s really genuine and always finds the good in people, and her heart is pure.’
I want people to want to know me for that reason, and that reason only.
I wish I had a much larger vocabulary than I currently do.
I’ve been hurt and let down by so many, I don’t know how to trust anyone.
I’m really good at faking the things I know others want to see or believe.
In the last 18 years of my life, I’ve found myself and lost myself too many times to count. I’ve had friends, and I’ve had people who have stabbed my in the back. I’ve been let down by those closest to me. I’ve betrayed people myself because of my doubts. I’ve learned too well to hid what I really feel, and to keep to myself what I really think. I’ve learned how to compose myself in public; in the process, I’ve lost ME. I don’t know who I am, where I’m going, or who will be with me through it all.
I myself, am the worlds biggest flaw, a walking train-wreck.
And because that’s all I see, I believe that’s all others see.
31 August 2011
Amazing, The things you manage to miss
I miss coming home from school &being able to play video games with my brother all evening.
Grand Theft Auto, Halo, Need for Speed, and so many more. Sometimes, I just want to be able to come home, take off all my makeup, put on my yoga pants &a hoodie, and just loose myself in a video game with my brother.The thing I never thought I’d miss, is one of the things I miss most of all. Being able to spend the whole evening &night trying to beat my brother on something as trivial as a video game. And the odds are, when I did manage to beat him, he wouldn’t let me save my score, because it would mess up his scores.
Sometimes, I just want to be able to have guy friends that will come over and do things like this with me. Along with being able to accept the fact that I’m off work, and I’m not in makeup, wearing a huge ass hoodie and yoga pants, and be willing to just sit with me for hours and play video games with me and treat my like one of the guys.
That one of the most calming feelings in the world for me. Just being one of the guys. That’s what I’ve been all my life, and now that I’m loosing all of my guy friends, and I’m finding that I have very few girl friends, it’s sad. I miss just hanging out with the guys. For hours. And them treating me like a sister or just another one of the guys.
I’m more comfortable around guys that I am with most girls. &I miss all of the guys I grew up with.
But most of all, I miss my brother.
</3
29 August 2011
THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY?
I had this conversation with two of my friends. Their reaction? THE EXACT SAME.
“I realized something the other day. It wasn’t intentional, but you know, I love the kid, and if he didn’t have a girlfriend, I would probably be want him to be my boyfriend. I mean, we’re good friends and all, but really the only thing stopping me, is the fact that he has a girlfriend of like two years.”
“Yeah, I can see it.”
Ahaha. I love it when my friends and I all agree on the same thing. :P
“I realized something the other day. It wasn’t intentional, but you know, I love the kid, and if he didn’t have a girlfriend, I would probably be want him to be my boyfriend. I mean, we’re good friends and all, but really the only thing stopping me, is the fact that he has a girlfriend of like two years.”
“Yeah, I can see it.”
Ahaha. I love it when my friends and I all agree on the same thing. :P
26 August 2011
I MISS YOU
I don't miss high school, by any means.
I don't miss the drama.
I don't miss the homework.
I don't miss the stupidity.
I don't miss the imaturity.
And I don't miss the fake people.
But I do miss all of the friends that I would see every single day. I miss being able to sit in class and do nothing but talk with my friends, make jokes, hang out with my teachers, and laughing at absolutely nothing while walking through the halls.
I miss having more friends that I knew what do with. I miss having a social life. Any more my life goes as follows: Wake up, shower, work, dinner, read, sleep, repeat. Every day. And It's driving me crazy. I don't know how people do it for life. It's driving me crazy, and I'm only 5 months into it. Kill me now. Please.
I'm dying here. I hate the people I see every day. I have no one to hang out with when I get off work, and whenever I'm free, the few friends that I still have are either working or in class. I hate being this girl. The girl that is already stuck in a rut.
And the worst part of it all is that I'm not going to school. BECAUSE OF MY BRACES.
If I didn't have the stupid things, I would have been gone long ago, but I have to stay in town until they come off, plus like 6 months or so after that. &I hate it so freaking much. The longer I stay here, doing the same thing, day in and day out, the more I hate my life. And it's not bad when I'm with people that I like, even at work. It's when I'm stuck in my house, with nowhere new to go, nothing new to experience, no new friends to make. It's all the same. People ask me why I hate it here so much.
Here's my answer : It's all old news. I've spent practically my whole life in Colorado, and as much as I can love it at times, and despite the fact that to me, it's HOME, more than anything, I need a change.
I need new things to see, new people to meet, new places to go, and most of all, new friends. I'm so sick of the friends that have a negative look on everything, the ones that NEVER have a bad day, the ones that take me for granted, the ones that walk all over me, and the ones that always need an ego boost to be in a semi good mood.
I am just so sick of what my life has turned into. It's nowhere near what I want it to be. I just need out of here. ASAP.
:/
But what I need most of all, are friends that will always be there for me, and for friends who are up for anything, and not willing to try new things with me. I need outgoing and insanely spontaneous friends. (: At this point in life, that's what I need more than anything. More friends that are more like me. I just miss having someone who I can tell anything and everything to. I miss having a true, best friend. That's what I miss more than anything.
And the more and more that I try to fill the void, the harder and harder it becomes. I just need a new, life. With everything brand new, with everything fresh, including the start.
I don't miss high school, by any means.
I don't miss the drama.
I don't miss the homework.
I don't miss the stupidity.
I don't miss the imaturity.
And I don't miss the fake people.
But I do miss all of the friends that I would see every single day. I miss being able to sit in class and do nothing but talk with my friends, make jokes, hang out with my teachers, and laughing at absolutely nothing while walking through the halls.
I miss having more friends that I knew what do with. I miss having a social life. Any more my life goes as follows: Wake up, shower, work, dinner, read, sleep, repeat. Every day. And It's driving me crazy. I don't know how people do it for life. It's driving me crazy, and I'm only 5 months into it. Kill me now. Please.
I'm dying here. I hate the people I see every day. I have no one to hang out with when I get off work, and whenever I'm free, the few friends that I still have are either working or in class. I hate being this girl. The girl that is already stuck in a rut.
And the worst part of it all is that I'm not going to school. BECAUSE OF MY BRACES.
If I didn't have the stupid things, I would have been gone long ago, but I have to stay in town until they come off, plus like 6 months or so after that. &I hate it so freaking much. The longer I stay here, doing the same thing, day in and day out, the more I hate my life. And it's not bad when I'm with people that I like, even at work. It's when I'm stuck in my house, with nowhere new to go, nothing new to experience, no new friends to make. It's all the same. People ask me why I hate it here so much.
Here's my answer : It's all old news. I've spent practically my whole life in Colorado, and as much as I can love it at times, and despite the fact that to me, it's HOME, more than anything, I need a change.
I need new things to see, new people to meet, new places to go, and most of all, new friends. I'm so sick of the friends that have a negative look on everything, the ones that NEVER have a bad day, the ones that take me for granted, the ones that walk all over me, and the ones that always need an ego boost to be in a semi good mood.
I am just so sick of what my life has turned into. It's nowhere near what I want it to be. I just need out of here. ASAP.
:/
But what I need most of all, are friends that will always be there for me, and for friends who are up for anything, and not willing to try new things with me. I need outgoing and insanely spontaneous friends. (: At this point in life, that's what I need more than anything. More friends that are more like me. I just miss having someone who I can tell anything and everything to. I miss having a true, best friend. That's what I miss more than anything.
And the more and more that I try to fill the void, the harder and harder it becomes. I just need a new, life. With everything brand new, with everything fresh, including the start.
23 August 2011
Day 13- Quote from a book
"When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through."
--Nicholas Sparks
This isn't the quote that I was looking for, but I can't seem to find it anywhere. So this will have to do for now.
"When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through."
--Nicholas Sparks
This isn't the quote that I was looking for, but I can't seem to find it anywhere. So this will have to do for now.
22 August 2011
SHUT THE HELL UP
Did I ask your opinion? Was my post about you? NO
Then get the fuck off my page and don't try to start stupid drama with me. I've never spoken to you in my entire freaking life, and you want to go and start shit with me? REALLY?
That seems like a good idea?
Just because your life is so incredibly boring and pathetic, you choose to take something that isn't anything, and turn it into something?
Gah, I hate highschoolers. Yes, I used to be one. Just like, 4 months ago. But honey, I hated everyone when I was there, and I still do.
You're just another prime example of WHY I hate you all.
You're dumb, you're annoying, and you aren't even half as 'cool' as you think you are. You find pleasure in creating drama? OVER FACEBOOK?
Seriously? Yes, because that proves how cool and mature you really are. You can't even say it to my face.
!@#$%^&*()(*&^%$#@!@#$%^&*()(*&^%$#@!
I hate you all. This is why I don't have friends in high school. Because you're all annoying, stupid, immature, and I hate you all. The End. Bye.
Did I ask your opinion? Was my post about you? NO
Then get the fuck off my page and don't try to start stupid drama with me. I've never spoken to you in my entire freaking life, and you want to go and start shit with me? REALLY?
That seems like a good idea?
Just because your life is so incredibly boring and pathetic, you choose to take something that isn't anything, and turn it into something?
Gah, I hate highschoolers. Yes, I used to be one. Just like, 4 months ago. But honey, I hated everyone when I was there, and I still do.
You're just another prime example of WHY I hate you all.
You're dumb, you're annoying, and you aren't even half as 'cool' as you think you are. You find pleasure in creating drama? OVER FACEBOOK?
Seriously? Yes, because that proves how cool and mature you really are. You can't even say it to my face.
!@#$%^&*()(*&^%$#@!@#$%^&*()(*&^%$#@!
I hate you all. This is why I don't have friends in high school. Because you're all annoying, stupid, immature, and I hate you all. The End. Bye.
I HATE MY MIND
When something happens &I think it’s so beyond amazing, my mind decides to get in the way, and I end up processing the information. WAY TOO MUCH.
I take a simple situation, and over think it, and think the hell out of it. It gets so bad that I think something good isn’t nearly as good. I think something bad isn’t nearly as bad. I don’t let people in, and I never tell them what I really want to.
Have you ever been asked a question or seen something, and you know exactly what you want to say back, but can’t bring yourself to actually say? Like, when you get a text from that one special person and they’re asking you something really personal or private and you know exactly what you want to say back to them, but once you have it typed into the screen and you’re about to hit ‘send’ that little voice in your head whispers your doubts into your head, and you end up erasing it and saying something that probably isn’t true, but you know it’s what they want to hear?
Have you ever sat on someone’s facebook, myspace, twitter, tumblr, whatever page, just wishing they would take the leap of faith and tell you how you know they feel? Have you ever sat there, waiting for the day that they would put THEIR heart on the line for you, sparing you and all of your feelings? Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, they’re waiting for you to do the same thing?
Don’t you ever think that maybe it’s your turn to take the chance? Take the leap of faith. Maybe, it’s MY turn to put my heart on the line for someone, and feel what it’s like to be the one putting yourself out there, and not waiting on someone else who may never come around.
Do you ever just want to be that person that takes chances and doesn’t worry about the outcome of the situation? Like putting your heart on the line, and even if you don’t get the response you want, nothing really changes?
I wish I could be that person. But I’ve been hurt so many times. I’ve been betrayed by the people that I never thought would leave my side. I’ve been stabbed in the back too many times to count. And because of all of that, my heart is the one thing left that isn’t ruined, so I keep it all to myself, trying to save it for something special and for someone that won’t break it.
I just wish sometimes that I could say to people what I really want to. I wish I could look at a guy and tell him how I really feel and not think twice about his feelings for me. I wish I could just be bold like some girls are. But I’m not.
When I like a guy, I have a hard enough time admitting it to myself, let alone the people around me. I hate the label of ‘best friend.’ There has only been one person in my life that I trust with the title, and it’s my brother. Whenever I hear it, I get defensive, my walls come up, and I automatically distance myself. Do I do this on purpose? NO! I just do. There has been so much in my life that has screwed me up emotionally.
It takes a very special person to handle me. Flaws and All. Laughter and Tears. Good and Bad. I’m a very independent person, and it will take someone just like me to be able to handle me.
My biggest fear is finding someone that I think will be able to handle it, and then they leave me, alone, just like everyone else in my life has. I don’t have self esteem issues. I have trust issues. And in my opinion, that’s the worst thing you can have.
I just want to be able to jump, and know I will land on my feet at the bottom, &never look back.
I want to go from </3 to <3. I just want to find someone who won’t ever break the one part of me that’s left whole. I want to find someone who will break through the walls, and never want to see me cry. I want to find my love story.
&If you think about it, I think that is part of the reason I love tattoos and piercings. It’s pain, but I control it. I know what to expect. I can get more and more of them, but they all hurt the same. And after a certain amount of time, it numbs and goes away. A broken heart will never be fully healed. The scar from the break will always be there.
Tattoos and piercings are a personal ‘eff you’ to myself, proving that I can take the pain. Just maybe not the same kind as everyone else. I like putting myself through that kind of pain. It’s a high for me. Knowing that I can handle it, and that I can make it stop whenever I want to. It’s pain, but it’s MINE. I know what it feels like. I know when it will stop, and I know when it will start.
With your heart and your feelings, it’s all uncharted territory. They say a broken heart always breaks the same way. I say differently. I say when it comes to love, and your heart, and your first heartbreak, it’s all new. And it’s never the same twice.
I fear the break. I fear the pain. I fear the honesty. I fear, not being loved in return. </3
+JGarcia, SWilliams, KGosnell
When something happens &I think it’s so beyond amazing, my mind decides to get in the way, and I end up processing the information. WAY TOO MUCH.
I take a simple situation, and over think it, and think the hell out of it. It gets so bad that I think something good isn’t nearly as good. I think something bad isn’t nearly as bad. I don’t let people in, and I never tell them what I really want to.
Have you ever been asked a question or seen something, and you know exactly what you want to say back, but can’t bring yourself to actually say? Like, when you get a text from that one special person and they’re asking you something really personal or private and you know exactly what you want to say back to them, but once you have it typed into the screen and you’re about to hit ‘send’ that little voice in your head whispers your doubts into your head, and you end up erasing it and saying something that probably isn’t true, but you know it’s what they want to hear?
Have you ever sat on someone’s facebook, myspace, twitter, tumblr, whatever page, just wishing they would take the leap of faith and tell you how you know they feel? Have you ever sat there, waiting for the day that they would put THEIR heart on the line for you, sparing you and all of your feelings? Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, they’re waiting for you to do the same thing?
Don’t you ever think that maybe it’s your turn to take the chance? Take the leap of faith. Maybe, it’s MY turn to put my heart on the line for someone, and feel what it’s like to be the one putting yourself out there, and not waiting on someone else who may never come around.
Do you ever just want to be that person that takes chances and doesn’t worry about the outcome of the situation? Like putting your heart on the line, and even if you don’t get the response you want, nothing really changes?
I wish I could be that person. But I’ve been hurt so many times. I’ve been betrayed by the people that I never thought would leave my side. I’ve been stabbed in the back too many times to count. And because of all of that, my heart is the one thing left that isn’t ruined, so I keep it all to myself, trying to save it for something special and for someone that won’t break it.
I just wish sometimes that I could say to people what I really want to. I wish I could look at a guy and tell him how I really feel and not think twice about his feelings for me. I wish I could just be bold like some girls are. But I’m not.
When I like a guy, I have a hard enough time admitting it to myself, let alone the people around me. I hate the label of ‘best friend.’ There has only been one person in my life that I trust with the title, and it’s my brother. Whenever I hear it, I get defensive, my walls come up, and I automatically distance myself. Do I do this on purpose? NO! I just do. There has been so much in my life that has screwed me up emotionally.
It takes a very special person to handle me. Flaws and All. Laughter and Tears. Good and Bad. I’m a very independent person, and it will take someone just like me to be able to handle me.
My biggest fear is finding someone that I think will be able to handle it, and then they leave me, alone, just like everyone else in my life has. I don’t have self esteem issues. I have trust issues. And in my opinion, that’s the worst thing you can have.
I just want to be able to jump, and know I will land on my feet at the bottom, &never look back.
I want to go from </3 to <3. I just want to find someone who won’t ever break the one part of me that’s left whole. I want to find someone who will break through the walls, and never want to see me cry. I want to find my love story.
&If you think about it, I think that is part of the reason I love tattoos and piercings. It’s pain, but I control it. I know what to expect. I can get more and more of them, but they all hurt the same. And after a certain amount of time, it numbs and goes away. A broken heart will never be fully healed. The scar from the break will always be there.
Tattoos and piercings are a personal ‘eff you’ to myself, proving that I can take the pain. Just maybe not the same kind as everyone else. I like putting myself through that kind of pain. It’s a high for me. Knowing that I can handle it, and that I can make it stop whenever I want to. It’s pain, but it’s MINE. I know what it feels like. I know when it will stop, and I know when it will start.
With your heart and your feelings, it’s all uncharted territory. They say a broken heart always breaks the same way. I say differently. I say when it comes to love, and your heart, and your first heartbreak, it’s all new. And it’s never the same twice.
I fear the break. I fear the pain. I fear the honesty. I fear, not being loved in return. </3
+JGarcia, SWilliams, KGosnell
20 August 2011
MIND GAMES
I hate them.
You like me, You hate me. You can’t get enough of me, You don’t want to be seen with me. You want to spend all of your time with me, You want to make me jealous. I hate immature games when it comes to relationships. I mean, seriously. Why can’t two people just look at each other and tell each other how they really feel?
Yes, I like you. Yes I want to be with you. Yes, I think you’re amazing. Yes, I think you’re the one for me. But will I ever be able to tell you? With the way you treat me, probably not.
Am I trying to make you jealous? Uh, no. Do I have other guy friends? Well, yeah. I had them before I knew you, &I won’t stop talking to them just because I’m into you.
I just wish you would realize that I have feelings for you. I want to spend time with you. I want to just be with you. But what you don’t realize are the little things. Like, you want my number? Bud, all you have to do is ask for it. It’s not like I’m going to say no to the one person I want to talk to most!
I say I hate boys, and I really do. I just with they would grow up &turn into men. Is that really so much to ask for? At this age, apparently it is.
&Can I just say that I'm sorry I haven't posted much on here lately. I have been really into tumblr &posting pictures on there. I will start posting on here more often. I need to get back into the swing of writing a few times every week...
I hate them.
You like me, You hate me. You can’t get enough of me, You don’t want to be seen with me. You want to spend all of your time with me, You want to make me jealous. I hate immature games when it comes to relationships. I mean, seriously. Why can’t two people just look at each other and tell each other how they really feel?
Yes, I like you. Yes I want to be with you. Yes, I think you’re amazing. Yes, I think you’re the one for me. But will I ever be able to tell you? With the way you treat me, probably not.
Am I trying to make you jealous? Uh, no. Do I have other guy friends? Well, yeah. I had them before I knew you, &I won’t stop talking to them just because I’m into you.
I just wish you would realize that I have feelings for you. I want to spend time with you. I want to just be with you. But what you don’t realize are the little things. Like, you want my number? Bud, all you have to do is ask for it. It’s not like I’m going to say no to the one person I want to talk to most!
I say I hate boys, and I really do. I just with they would grow up &turn into men. Is that really so much to ask for? At this age, apparently it is.
&Can I just say that I'm sorry I haven't posted much on here lately. I have been really into tumblr &posting pictures on there. I will start posting on here more often. I need to get back into the swing of writing a few times every week...
12 August 2011
Day 11- Quote from a band member
"But I realized that if you’re lucky enough to be different from everyone else, don’t change.”
--TSwift (:
"To me, Fearless is not the absense of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, Fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death."
--TSwift(: <3
Yes, both of these qualify. Don't hate.
"But I realized that if you’re lucky enough to be different from everyone else, don’t change.”
--TSwift (:
"To me, Fearless is not the absense of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, Fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death."
--TSwift(: <3
Yes, both of these qualify. Don't hate.
SERIOUSLY?!
I mean, you can't really think girls are that stupid. You hit on me one day, then you go and hit on her, when we're basically best friends?! I hope you realize when you do something as blatant as that, she WILL tell me. And the only thing that does for me is give me even more of a reason to despise you and for me to NEVER want to talk to you again. You may be cute, but dude, that will only get you so far.
I just want you to know that you're known as the 'man whore.' Yep, that's the truth. And the more and more I see you, the more and more you seem to be living up to that nickname. You DISGUST me more than words can even say.
I thought I was falling for you; looks like my mind was playing tricks on me again. You are the worst thing that could possibly happen to anybody.
I thought you were cool &chill, but apparently you're only good at playing girls against each other, leading people on, and giving girls a false sense of hope. CONGRATS.
!@#$%^&*()(*&^%$#@! There simply aren't enough words in the English language. Well done, you've manage to cause me to lose all respect for you that I previously had. I hope you're happy, because I no longer have any desire to know you in any way shape or form.
Have a nice life using girls and leading them on.
This, my friends, is why I don't date. I flat out refuse to. Because the moment I find a guy I think will prove to be different than the rest of them out there, they go and do something stupid like hitting on my friends.
&What is it with annoying little girls that have such major self esteem issues?! I mean, no, you may not be the prettiest girl on the block, but when a guy reacts to you like THAT, you're just annoying. Obviously, you get plenty of attention from guys. No, they may not be the guys that you want attention from, but honey, you clearly have nothing to complain about. SO STOP. You're annoying. Maybe that's why we aren't friends anymore. Or maybe it's something else. You'll never know.
But seriously, I'm just so sick of guys hitting on me until something better comes along. You say I'm pretty? Yeah, &how long is that statement true for? A day, an hour? Awesome, I'm so glad I was just your entertainment until you found something more fun to look at.
The day I find a guy who is genuinely interested in me for me, and not with ulterior motives, and proves that he is willing to pursue me and not just up and leave when I don't give him the attention he thinks he 'deserves'... that is the day I might change my mind on this whole dating thing. But until then, I will continue to just be one of the guys, the little sister, the stuck up bitch, or that one girl who is fun to mess with. :/
When it comes to my daily life and the amount of fun that I always manage to have &find, I have a beyond spectacular life. When it comes to guys, relationships, or anything dealing with any kind of commitment, FML.
I need new friends, a new life, a new house, a new job, and new people all around. HELP! I'm suffocating every day of my life, and it's not getting any better.
+JGarcia, CGilreath
I mean, you can't really think girls are that stupid. You hit on me one day, then you go and hit on her, when we're basically best friends?! I hope you realize when you do something as blatant as that, she WILL tell me. And the only thing that does for me is give me even more of a reason to despise you and for me to NEVER want to talk to you again. You may be cute, but dude, that will only get you so far.
I just want you to know that you're known as the 'man whore.' Yep, that's the truth. And the more and more I see you, the more and more you seem to be living up to that nickname. You DISGUST me more than words can even say.
I thought I was falling for you; looks like my mind was playing tricks on me again. You are the worst thing that could possibly happen to anybody.
I thought you were cool &chill, but apparently you're only good at playing girls against each other, leading people on, and giving girls a false sense of hope. CONGRATS.
!@#$%^&*()(*&^%$#@! There simply aren't enough words in the English language. Well done, you've manage to cause me to lose all respect for you that I previously had. I hope you're happy, because I no longer have any desire to know you in any way shape or form.
Have a nice life using girls and leading them on.
This, my friends, is why I don't date. I flat out refuse to. Because the moment I find a guy I think will prove to be different than the rest of them out there, they go and do something stupid like hitting on my friends.
&What is it with annoying little girls that have such major self esteem issues?! I mean, no, you may not be the prettiest girl on the block, but when a guy reacts to you like THAT, you're just annoying. Obviously, you get plenty of attention from guys. No, they may not be the guys that you want attention from, but honey, you clearly have nothing to complain about. SO STOP. You're annoying. Maybe that's why we aren't friends anymore. Or maybe it's something else. You'll never know.
But seriously, I'm just so sick of guys hitting on me until something better comes along. You say I'm pretty? Yeah, &how long is that statement true for? A day, an hour? Awesome, I'm so glad I was just your entertainment until you found something more fun to look at.
The day I find a guy who is genuinely interested in me for me, and not with ulterior motives, and proves that he is willing to pursue me and not just up and leave when I don't give him the attention he thinks he 'deserves'... that is the day I might change my mind on this whole dating thing. But until then, I will continue to just be one of the guys, the little sister, the stuck up bitch, or that one girl who is fun to mess with. :/
When it comes to my daily life and the amount of fun that I always manage to have &find, I have a beyond spectacular life. When it comes to guys, relationships, or anything dealing with any kind of commitment, FML.
I need new friends, a new life, a new house, a new job, and new people all around. HELP! I'm suffocating every day of my life, and it's not getting any better.
+JGarcia, CGilreath
11 August 2011
FEAR & BEING SCARED
What is it lately with people being so afraid of saying something to me? I mean, what do you think I'm going to do? Rip your freaking head off? Yeah, not likely. Nice try though.
Honestly, I'm really not a mean person. Am I honest? Yes. Do I tell you what I really think versus just what you want to hear? Yeah. Will I spare your feelings either way? Probably not.
I got a new tattoo and posted pictures on facebook, no big deal, right? WRONG. I have had so many guys come up to me and compliment it on person, which is all fine and dandy. But then they tell me they felt like they couldn't say anything about it on facebook, or even like the pictures. Uhhh, what?! Haha, I mean, what is so wrong with liking a picture you like, or saying something nice to somebody in a public fashion? Is it suddenly wrong for a guy to compliment a girl for something? Because if it is, I definitely never got the memo for that one. Sorry, world.
And what is it with people being so afraid of being happy? I mean, I'm the kind of person that is so often optimistic, it wouldn't surprise me if some people thought it was so happy, it was annoying. I laugh at so much, I find humor in basically everything, I try to be friends with as many people as I can, even though I rarely let anyone close. &I hate it when someone can't take a joke, or they walk around like the world is out to get them. I mean, yes, we all have our extremely pessimistic days. Hell, last week was my very own personal 'eff the world' week.
So, I am by no means saying that having bad days is wrong, because we all do. I just get tired of the people that have bad 'years'. I mean, come one. Seriously?! Is your life really that pathetic that you can't be happy about anything, and you just have to drag people down with you? Because that doesn't make you friends, it will lose you friends. Just a pointer.
&on another note, what is it with people thinking that if they just add a little 'haha' to the end of anything, it takes away any kind of ridicule, rude-ness, or the littlest bit of sarcasm. It still hurts.
They say
There's a little truth in every JustKidding
There's a little curiosity in ever JustWondering
There's a little knowledge in every IDon'tKnow
There's a little emotion in every IDon'tCare
I say this is far too true.
Just because you add a 'JK' or a 'haha' to the end of something, it still stings. Like, exactly how true is that, because you wouldn't have said it if it didn't have the littlest bit of honesty in it.
Some People just piss me off. End.Of.Story.
>:(
+Bcovington, JGarcia, KGosnell
What is it lately with people being so afraid of saying something to me? I mean, what do you think I'm going to do? Rip your freaking head off? Yeah, not likely. Nice try though.
Honestly, I'm really not a mean person. Am I honest? Yes. Do I tell you what I really think versus just what you want to hear? Yeah. Will I spare your feelings either way? Probably not.
I got a new tattoo and posted pictures on facebook, no big deal, right? WRONG. I have had so many guys come up to me and compliment it on person, which is all fine and dandy. But then they tell me they felt like they couldn't say anything about it on facebook, or even like the pictures. Uhhh, what?! Haha, I mean, what is so wrong with liking a picture you like, or saying something nice to somebody in a public fashion? Is it suddenly wrong for a guy to compliment a girl for something? Because if it is, I definitely never got the memo for that one. Sorry, world.
And what is it with people being so afraid of being happy? I mean, I'm the kind of person that is so often optimistic, it wouldn't surprise me if some people thought it was so happy, it was annoying. I laugh at so much, I find humor in basically everything, I try to be friends with as many people as I can, even though I rarely let anyone close. &I hate it when someone can't take a joke, or they walk around like the world is out to get them. I mean, yes, we all have our extremely pessimistic days. Hell, last week was my very own personal 'eff the world' week.
So, I am by no means saying that having bad days is wrong, because we all do. I just get tired of the people that have bad 'years'. I mean, come one. Seriously?! Is your life really that pathetic that you can't be happy about anything, and you just have to drag people down with you? Because that doesn't make you friends, it will lose you friends. Just a pointer.
&on another note, what is it with people thinking that if they just add a little 'haha' to the end of anything, it takes away any kind of ridicule, rude-ness, or the littlest bit of sarcasm. It still hurts.
They say
There's a little truth in every JustKidding
There's a little curiosity in ever JustWondering
There's a little knowledge in every IDon'tKnow
There's a little emotion in every IDon'tCare
I say this is far too true.
Just because you add a 'JK' or a 'haha' to the end of something, it still stings. Like, exactly how true is that, because you wouldn't have said it if it didn't have the littlest bit of honesty in it.
Some People just piss me off. End.Of.Story.
>:(
+Bcovington, JGarcia, KGosnell
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