.GIRLNEXTDOORITIS.

What is wrong with me? Do I reek of the look that says, "don't date me"? I'm sick of just being the best friend to all of the guys. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love being the one that they feel comfortable telling things to. Hell, most guys see me as the friend they can come to for anything in the world; they tell me things they feel they can't tell their girlfriends or their best friends. Instead, I'm the friend that has to hold all of their secrets, when in reality, I don't want that burden. It's flattering they trust me like that, but I want their trust in another way. I want them to look at me and thinl, "Wow. She chose me. That beautiful girl standing right beside me chose me. What did I do to be so lucky?" But instead, I'm just the one they have fun with until something better comes around. That's why I don't wear my heart on my sleeve anymore. I have been hurt too many times to count and I'm sick of it. I will always be best friends with all of the guys, but when will it turn from best friend, to girlfriend?
I absolutely hate the label, but maybe one day I could get used to the idea. I'm the best friend, or the little sister that they're all protective of. But it's not the protective I want anymore. I'm 18 and I want them to fight for me.
When something is wrong, I'm good at covering it up, but I want somebody to be able to look at me and know there's something wrong. I want somebody to ask me," Lydia, what's wrong?" and when I say, 'nothing' I want them to look me in the eyes and say, 'don't you dare lie to me.'
I want to be able to run away from a guy crying, but know deep down that he will be chasing me because he truly wants to be with me; he wants to know what I'm thinking about. I want to be the girl in all of TSwift's songs. The one that gets betrayed by love time after time, and yet she never loses faith. I want to be the one worth fighting for. I want to be able to fight with someone about something impotant to me, but afterwards be able to kiss and make up.
I want to be able to hang out with my friends, and not always know that the guys want me to leave so they can be alone with my friends. I want to go to dinner with a friend, and have a guy not be able to take his eyes off of me. What is it about me that repells all guys? Do I have, "I love being single and miserable" written on my forehead? Is it the way I mess around with guys that makes them think I won't be good for anything except being the one to hear the things they don't have the balls to tell to anybody else? Is it the way I dress? The way I act? The way I don't really care what people around me think?
And do you want to know the worst part? I ask my friends these things all the time, and they either think they're rhetorical questions (they're not), or they tell me, "Lydia, none of the guys are good enough for you. When they look at you, they're intimidated. You're too pretty...." Blah, blah, blah. Gosh, could anybody else tell a worse lie?! Everybody always pretends that they will be the ones that end up dying alone, when in reality they're the ones who always have boyfriends. No, I'm going to be the old cat lady on the end of the street that is going to die alone at 93. Yeah, welcome to my life.